I've had this problem before, most notably in 2003, a year in which I put on 10 pounds thanks to post-collegiate stress disorder and a part-time job at a sweater factory with its own (free!) peanut M&Ms dispenser. That time, I dieted on vodka, cigarettes and Luna bars. This time, it's not an option. I have to wear pants to work if I want my coworkers to take me seriously, and my belly is only getting started.
I had to do something.
First, I got all Survivor Man on my pants and fastened them with a hair elastic:
|Yeah, I am basically MacGyver. Try not to be jealous.|
Cons: Fly at half-mast no matter what you do; bad hair day will cause pants to fall down
When the hair elastic got too tight, I decided to class things up a bit:
|Because nothing says "business casual" like pinstripes and a rubber band.|
Cons: You're not even trying anymore. There are two buttons, you know.
As a last resort, I even tried wearing the denim leggings Jeff convinced me to buy as part of his Sartorial Humiliation Quest '10 (see also: rompers). But they cut me off mid-bump, much to my (and, I imagine, the baby's) chagrin:
|Just because you're only 3 oz. doesn't mean it's too early to worry about bulge maintenance.|
Cons: Muffin top; muffin bottom
People were telling me to get the Bella Band, or some other such product that would extend my pants' life while making me looking less like someone who lived in a tent on the side of the highway, but I was all, no thanks, I've got a whole ball of rubber bands and a drawerful of ill-fitting leggings, thankyouverymuch.
That's when Jeff stepped in and bought me the Tummy Tube.
The Tummy Tube is a spandex tube that hold your pants up while making the rest of you look like it is wearing a t-shirt that has been cropped at the wrong end. (Warning: photos below--courtesy of Jeff (I have to write that so he doesn't sue)--mildly NSFW).
|Why, hello, officer. Is there a law against looking this sexxxxxy?|
|Oh, God. This is the most unflattering photo I have ever posted. Why am I the color of raw chicken?|
My fly may be down, but my summer wardrobe is definitely looking up.