Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Learning Math From Tyra Banks, and Other Benefits of Too Much TV

I watch, as you all know, a lot of TV. Like, a lot. I have a pretty busy work schedule, but I make time for what Jeff calls my "stories," whether I'm watching them on Hulu, downloading them from iTunes and watching them on my tiny iPod screen during my commute, or streaming them through some sketchy third-party website (thanks, Showtime, for not making your shows available anywhere that won't get me arrested. You air Weeds, man... I thought you'd be cool.)

Anyway.

I may waste a lot of brain space on being able to recall the sordid romantic history of every character on Gossip Girl, or the full names all of the Real Housewives' children, but I also learn things. In fact, I could, if pressed, cobble together a well-rounded education from my favorite programs. Ahem...

Math:
When seven beautiful girls stand before Tyra Banks, but she only has six photos in her hands, than means one girl is getting her skinny ass kicked to the curb. Subtraction!

Health Ed.:
If you work at a fictional hospital, you have a 5,000% chance of developing inoperable cancer, getting shot by a disgruntled former patient, falling into a freezing river, getting pregnant unexpectedly (women only), being hit by a bus, or being burned beyond recognition at least once every other season. But on the bright side, you will always look unnaturally sexy in your scrubs.

Social Studies:
If you place five to six narcissistic idiots in the same general geographic area and have reality cameras follow them constantly, they will have the same fight, over and over, until one of them either has a nervous breakdown or gets a spin-off show.

English:
Guidette (n): Female form of guido, slang for a working-class, urban Italian-American
Gorilla juicehead (n): Large-muscled guido fond of steroids and/or fresh-squeezed OJ; affectionate term sometimes used to describe Jane Goodall

Science:
Physics can help you locate the exact coordinates of a mystical, time-traveling island! But, once you get there your nose might start to bleed and then you might die (also file under: Health Ed.)

Gym:
Jumping over a quickly rotating bar while standing on a slender column over a body of water is harder than you think. So is finding a small flag in a trough of whipped cream.

Spanish:
For $800... Of all the countries with espaƱol as an official language, this one is last alphabetically.
What is Venezuela, Alejandro!

Seriously, I might as well be watching Baby Einstein DVDs. Who needs a masters degree? I'm a graduate of the school of life... or, at least, Lifetime.
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12 comments :

  1. I think we go to the same school, and Science is my favorite class. I sleep during Spanish. Learning is fun!

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  2. My kind of homeschool. As a fellow fan of Weeds, I also feel as though I've earned and MBA. I do look elsewhere for Parenting 101, however. Toddlers & Tiaras, for example.

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  3. I think I may actually rival you for the queen of trash tv. I stayed up late watching the Real Housewives of NYC and OC last night. What was Sonja THINKING? I don't like her. I don't like her one bit. I need to catch up on Pregnant in Heels ever since you got me hooked through the HuffPo recaps.

    ...for a while there, Grey's Anatomy made me want to be a doctor. Up until all the cancer and ghosts and shooters.

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  4. Don't forget this one, which can get cross-indexed under Sex Ed. and Sociology:

    Having a baby before one has finished high school can lead to domestic violence, alcohol abuse, reliance on social services, poor decisions, and difficulty completing one's education. Babies make studying hard. 16 year olds don't make the most intuitive mommies or daddies.

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  5. I share your lust for TV. I am proud to say that during the fall of 2010 I was watching more than 40 hours of TV a week, while also working a full-time office job. My skin became translucent cause it hadn't seen the sun in so long.... ha!
    I know I have a problem. But hey, at least it's not heroin, right?

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  6. what i still can't explain is how nancy grace got her own courtroom judge program...what's the justice in THAT?!

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  7. Bravo! To you and it's also my homeschool learning channel. I use plenty of others to supplement my education. Review, reinforce, drill, it's good for the mind.
    This summer will be my 13th in summer school with Big Brother and Professor Chenbot. It counts under pyschology and sociology because it meets three times a week.

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  8. Haha! Funny! I am definitely a student of politics via Family Guy, American Dad, the Simpsons, and Robot Chicken!

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  9. I totally share your love of television. I'm practically a doctor and a lawyer now. Oh and I could solve a crime faster than almost anyone.

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  10. Thank you for this validation that TV addiction is justifiable and educational. I love TV. I don't feel I've truly enjoyed a day or at the very least, relaxed at all, unless I've watched TV. Even if it's only 10 minutes of something super stimulating like 'Quints by Surprise' or TMZ. Although the quints show makes me uneasy because didn't these people watch the Gosselins go up in smoke? Playing with fire, they are.

    I don't really have an affinity for Yoda but apparently when commenting on other people's blogs I find it necessary to speak in that manner.

    Enjoy.

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  11. Marie Moore7:39 PM

    Thank you for a Double Dare flashback that I now can not get out of head. They always had so much trouble finding the flag because they ended up throwing it out onto the floor 2 seconds in.

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  12. OMG that was GREAT!!! I LOVEDDDDD Health Ed! And I busted out laughing at Math. I'm forwarding this post to my friend who is also a t.v.holic so she knows she's not alone on this journey of life education.

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