I watch, as you all know, a lot of TV. Like, a lot. I have a pretty busy work schedule, but I make time for what Jeff calls my "stories," whether I'm watching them on Hulu, downloading them from iTunes and watching them on my tiny iPod screen during my commute, or streaming them through some sketchy third-party website (thanks, Showtime, for not making your shows available anywhere that won't get me arrested. You air Weeds, man... I thought you'd be cool.)
I may waste a lot of brain space on being able to recall the sordid romantic history of every character on Gossip Girl, or the full names all of the Real Housewives' children, but I also learn things. In fact, I could, if pressed, cobble together a well-rounded education from my favorite programs. Ahem...
When seven beautiful girls stand before Tyra Banks, but she only has six photos in her hands, than means one girl is getting her skinny ass kicked to the curb. Subtraction!
If you work at a fictional hospital, you have a 5,000% chance of developing inoperable cancer, getting shot by a disgruntled former patient, falling into a freezing river, getting pregnant unexpectedly (women only), being hit by a bus, or being burned beyond recognition at least once every other season. But on the bright side, you will always look unnaturally sexy in your scrubs.
If you place five to six narcissistic idiots in the same general geographic area and have reality cameras follow them constantly, they will have the same fight, over and over, until one of them either has a nervous breakdown or gets a spin-off show.
Guidette (n): Female form of guido, slang for a working-class, urban Italian-American
Gorilla juicehead (n): Large-muscled guido fond of steroids and/or fresh-squeezed OJ; affectionate term sometimes used to describe Jane Goodall
Physics can help you locate the exact coordinates of a mystical, time-traveling island! But, once you get there your nose might start to bleed and then you might die (also file under: Health Ed.)
Jumping over a quickly rotating bar while standing on a slender column over a body of water is harder than you think. So is finding a small flag in a trough of whipped cream.
For $800... Of all the countries with español as an official language, this one is last alphabetically.
What is Venezuela, Alejandro!
Seriously, I might as well be watching Baby Einstein DVDs. Who needs a masters degree? I'm a graduate of the school of life... or, at least, Lifetime.