Tuesday, April 5, 2011

I'll Take My Brotherly Love With Whiz, Please... Wait, That Sounds Wrong

This weekend I squired Jeff to Philly (can a woman squire? You know what, I don't care, I totally squired, especially if squire means "drove somewhat erratically on the PA Turnpike, occasionally calling other drivers assholes while adjusting her glasses") for a whirlwind weekend. The pilgrimage was, ostensibly, to see my patron saint David Sedaris do a reading, but we were also looking forward to seeing nerdy sights like Independence Hall and partaking in the local steak-and-cheese-based cuisine.

Jeff decided to take his film camera with him (what is this, 1998?), so there are no instant memories for me to share. I guess I'll just have to post random photos from the past to illustrate. Like...

Jeff (right) and his brothers posing in short shorts in front of a Pennsylvania well! This is relevant to our trip because we passed Armani Exchange on Walnut Street and saw a sign advertising a sale on men's shorts--two for $100. I laughed and laughed, because if there is one item of clothing that should not cost that much money, it is manshorts. Especially since Jeff can just wear my homemade Daisy Dukes if he feels the need to show off those gorgeous gams of his (no, seriously, he has great legs. But shorts don't do much for him since he's covered in fur. It's like he's always wearing pants.)

Where was I? Oh, right, cheesesteaks.

The last time Jeff was in Philly was for a bachelor party last summer. He does not remember much, except for going to two strip clubs (one classy, one trashy, you know--for balance) and almost getting arrested for trying to use his ID to get one of his buddies into a casino (the guy was over 21, but had left his wallet at the hotel, probably because he was so drunk). But Jeff does remember experiencing cheesesteak nirvana, sometime around 2am on South Street, so after we checked into our hotel we wandered over to try to find this meat mecca. You should know that Jeff does not often get truly excited about food, so the fact that he was leading me around like a bloodhound to track down this place was telling. All he could recall was that it was "chrome" and "awesome." But somehow his Spidey sense prevailed and we eventually found ourselves at Jim's Steaks. There was a line wrapped around the block, and as soon as we got on it, four guys dressed as the Ghostbusters walked by. It was kismet.

An hour later, after I had inhaled my first cheesesteak ever, I looked like this...

Also taken in Philly, circa 2006! Relevant!
...even though I spilled beef on my pants. Or, maybe, especially because I spilled beef on my pants.

I had made dinner reservations at a schmancy steakhouse, but Jeff and I looked at each other, congealed Cheez Whiz glistening in the corners of our mouths, and said, "Fuck that." Instead we bundled up our third, emergency cheesesteak and high-tailed it back to the hotel, where we took a bubble bath and watched Dante's Peak while Jeff drank a fifth of Jack Daniels. It was literally one of the best dates of our almost 8 years together. When we checked out the next morning, Jeff insisted that we leave the Mr. Bubble and the bottle of Jack so that the housekeeping staff could see what fun we'd had (although, in retrospect, the Mr. Bubble combined with the chicken fingers I'd ordered from room service off of the kids' menu might suggest the presence of a single, alcoholic parent and their lonely, albeit clean, progeny...)

The next day, we were planning on taking a tour of Independence Hall, but after we got our (free) tickets, we started walking, and all of a sudden where did we find ourselves but back in line at Jim's. Yes, friends, we consumed a sum total of 5 cheesesteaks in under 24 hours and didn't see a single goddamn sight. In fact, on our way to the suburban theater where D-Sed was reading, we even stopped at an Outback Steakhouse so that we could eat even more and see even less. Then I got to watch my idol, in a bow tie, read from his diary and make multiple blow job jokes.

Best weekend ever.


  1. Mmmm... meat!

    That's all I've got.

    Oh yeah, and I'm totally envious that you saw David Sedaris. He was in Ottawa last week and I missed him. Grr.

  2. 5 Cheesesteaks in 24 hours well done! Glad you guys enjoyed my hometown!

  3. Coming from a native Fluffyan (that's how Philadelphians say Philadelphian), Jim's is good, but Steve's Steaks on the boulevard (Roosevelt Boulevard or Route 1 to outsiders) is THE best. They make them with American cheese. Next time you squire Jeff to Philly, please promise me you'll make a pilgrimage there.

  4. Did you get to meet David at the reading? I saw him when I was living in Columbus and he was so sweet and had me so star-struck! He told me I won the "best hair award" and even recorded my accomplishment in his autograph.

    I'm pretty sure I was in Jim's quite a few years ago. I don't eat red meat, so I just watched as my friend inhaled her cheesesteak while moaning inappropriately. Good times!

    It does sound like a great date! Enjoy the alone time while it lasts!

  5. Wow! - Love David Sedaris. Who wants to see a silent Liberty Bell when beef, bubbles and blow job jokes await?!
    Relevant indeed.

  6. I love cheesesteaks. I'm now planning my trip to Philly. Sights? No. Just cheesesteaks.

  7. Ah, David Sedaris. Love him. Love your shorts too.

  8. that sounds gross.

  9. Anonymous10:36 AM


  10. I saw a flyer in a local eatery for Philly SHRIMP & Cheese just last Friday. Ummm, no.

  11. Ha! The Hubby and I are making an overnight trip to Chicago in a week and a half, and I've been afraid that it will just turn into a huge pizza and hotdog fest, especially since we have no real plans to speak of.

    Fortunately, this blog post made me feel about a thousand times better about that prospect, so thanks! :)

  12. I'm trying to imagine David Sedaris eating a Philly cheesesteak...

  13. Anonymous4:24 PM

    I live in Philly and drive past that theater on my way to church every Sunday. I saw that David Sedaris was appearing and was upset that I couldn't make it. Wish I would have known he would be there before then. Oh well. Also, good for you for avoiding the Pat's and Genos tourist traps- also agree with the poster who mentioned Steve's on the Blvd. MMM...now I want one!

  14. I want to go to that. ( :

  15. Jeff does have nice legs!

    Oh, and I adore David Sedaris!! Have seen him live 4 times, loved him every time. Was it totally awesome? Did he give away any trinkets?

  16. Okay. I talked to David Sedaris at a party once (I didn't know it was him) it was after his second or third book came out. We discussed our feelings about dodgeball in grade school gym class. I was against (obviously) - while he was surprisingly pro. He reasoning? You get beamed with the ball, and GYM IS OVER. I was like, OMG. I am such an idiot, while this man is clearly a genius.

  17. I think squire means to impregnate. ;-) Good luck with that.

  18. That really does sound like the best weekend ever. I love Dante's Peak! You know what would have made it even better? Watching Dante's Peak in a Mr. Bubble bubble bath (together) while eating cheese steaks.
    The Hubby and I have taken said bubble bath together while watching the news and eating pizza... not the same...at all.

  19. I've totally been to Jim's! Ha! Sadly though, without the whiz. Philly fail.


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