Friday, April 1, 2011

The Go(d)spel(l) According to Jeff

So yesterday I got an email from Jeff's mom, Lee:
Una, what is the name of the musical that Jeff was in in high school? The one he won’t let you see (he played Jesus). Thanks.
The answer to her question is Godspell. I almost got to see it once. Back in 2004, when Jeff was still living in Massachusetts, I would come up for weekend visits. But since Jeff worked in retail he often had to work weekends, which left me and Lee free (I LOVE RHYMING!) to take long, romantic walks, get hopped up on Dunkin Donuts iced coffee, and go shopping for tracksuits. It also left time for her to show me Jeff's baby photos and all of his videotaped high school plays. One afternoon, she was getting ready to screen Godspell when Jeff came home. When he found out what we were up to, he basically did a slow-motion action movie dive between me and the cassette. "You can never watch that," he said in all seriousness. "I will break up with you."

At the time I chalked it up to the embarrassment of young love, similar to the first time you accidentally fart in front of the person (I first farted in front of Jeff after doing a somersault and an Olympic landing pose. True story.) But over the years, his adamance has only intensified.

"Hey," I'll sometimes joke, "You know what I'm in the mood to see? Godspell!" And he'll say, without looking up from what he's doing, "I will divorce you."

Jeff has seen me in Runaways, he has seen me in my Blossom hat, leggings, and ferocious unibrow. He has seen me try to drink wine from my own boobs.

I have heard him sing "My Way" completely drunk at karaoke in front of a roomful of strangers (who yelled out, "It's John Mayer!" Hahaha. But I digress.) How could this be worse?

In my mind, I picture loincloths, and jazz hands.
When pressed for comment, Jeff said only "I'll still divorce you," and "You'll never know," when asked what was on the tape that he was so ashamed of.

I fear that the urge to open this Pandora's Box will only grow stronger with time. You might say, day by day. (Right, honey?) The only thing currently saving my marriage is that we don't own a VCR... and the fact that I am easily distracted from plotting with new episodes of Modern Family.
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14 comments :

  1. Watch it now. If he gets upset, break into a sob and blame it on your raging, baby-building hormones.

    My wife rarely pulled out the Pregnancy card; but when she did, she got no arguement from me.

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  2. Anonymous8:47 AM

    Now's your chance!! Blame the baby, just like you said yesterday! Be really hormonal, sick, and sad and claim the only cure for any of is it to see the tape. If he denies you, then he's a bad husband AND father.

    Cheers!
    Mrs. Smith

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  3. The curiosity would suffocate me. I would have to watch it. Mind you, I made my Significant Other watch a video of a play I had written and directed during my final year of university. (Yes I was that person. I studied drama.) I was so excited, and also a tad nervous as I hadn't watched the video... Ever. It started off by showing a gig my friend's band played circa 1990. They were crap. And then went on to show the back of a head adorned with a fantastically massive hat, both of which belonged to some guy in the audience. The dingbat who had filmed the whole play only filmed the back of this guy's head. Maybe Jeff isn't in the video at all and is just playing hard to get to mask the fact that he is constantly hidden by a big ole hat. Just a thought.

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  4. Anything Modern Family is worthy of being distracted by :)

    But man, Godspell! You have to get your hands on it and watch it.

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  5. Sometime's you need just one thing to cling to. Something that stays yours and aside from an audience a permanent record(ing) of the event, he can do just that. Then again, he might have just crapped his pants on stage and can't bear the agony of anyone else new viewing the humiliation. Because I'm sure he's killed everyone else in attendance by now.

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  6. "Day by day, day by day, oh, dear Lord, these things I pray..."

    I, too, was in Godspell in high school. We wore different colored tee shirts based on class year, khaki pants, rainbow suspenders, and...oh, God...Keds.

    I wouldn't let anyone see that, either.

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  7. I will mail you a VCR if you somehow find a way to get it on youtube.

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  8. FYI After reading this I dedicated a blog to you. http://frances-pringle.blogspot.com/

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  9. I wonder if it would be worthwhile to procure another copy of Godspell and watch that, then imagine Jeff in it...it might satisfy (or strengthen) the desire to watch his version

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  10. Since 2004? Impressive(!)you've lasted longer than I ever would have. It has to be something that only he is mortified about if his mother wasn't hesitant to show it to you and no one in his family and none of his friends have mentioned it. Nothing in his yearbook?
    Poor guy. I guess his Godspell hell (rhyme!)will remain a private agony.

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  11. How bad could he have been if he played Jesus?

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  12. Una. You're knocked up. You seriously think baby daddy gonna leave your ass?? Now is the time to strike! Watch that shit! There is no possible way I could live with the knowledge of such a video without ever having seen it.

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  13. The part about the accidental fart made me have to stifle a laugh, and I almost let one go in front of my co-worker in the process. I guess if it can't come out one end, it must come out somewhere! Awesome.

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  14. just commenting to point out you're modern family shout out, thumbs up! Back to stalking...

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