Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Fun With Idio(t)syncrasies

1. It's been a cold, rainy winter here in NYC, but more than once (more than twice, more than three times a lady) I've found myself wearing heavy rubber waterproof boots on days with bright sun and clear blue skies. I never check the weather. It's just something my brain will not abide, like calculus or being able to identify birds. So every morning I wake up, and if the sky is gray, I put on my rain boots and grab my umbrella (somehow it never occurs to me that the sky might be gray because the sun hasn't risen yet--Phi Beta Kappa is so proud). And so, a few hours later, I walk down the street trying to act like my sweater dress and wellies are a statement, like how the Olsen twins used to dress like hobos totally on purpose.

2. I say farhead instead of forehead. Jeff gives me shit about this all the time. I don't know why I do it, but in my defense, the forehead is the part of your head farthest from the ground. Well, except for your scalp, but that's really just an extension of the farhead when you think about it.

3. I can't whistle unless I suck in instead of blowing out. I literally suck at whistling.

4. I can snap the fingers on my left hand but not on my right hand. So if I need to say "Snap!" and illustrate it with a sassy hand gesture (which happens more often than you might think even though this is not 1992), the object of my display must be on my left; otherwise I have to incorporate a spin, which is an advanced move that I really don't have the ankles for.

5. Thanks to Jeff, I can now only remember his dirty joke lyrics to certain songs. Like "Blinded By the Light" ("Wrapped up like a douche, another boner in the night!") or "If You Don't Know Me By Now" ("If you don't blow me right now... you will never, never, never, never blow me... oooooh.") Technically that's his idiotsyncrasy, not mine, but it still means I can't sing karaoke when children are present.

Also: I have yet another somewhat graphic post about my ladyparts up on Aiming Low! Phi Beta Kappa is, again, SO PROUD. But on the bright side, two separate companies have offered to send me kegel exercisors (basically, vagina barbells), so I must be doing something right.
Share/Bookmark

15 comments :

  1. Love the lyrics, can I buy the cd?

    Oh, have you been offered vagina weights? Yeah, they start sending catalogs with that stuff in it before you turn 40....

    Not that I might be close to that age or anything!


    mywarpedworld.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  2. As a child I thought it was "revved up like a douche, another boner in the night." Hell, it makes about as much sense as the rest of the song.

    ReplyDelete
  3. have you ever thought about writing a daily meditations books?

    ReplyDelete
  4. The origin of saying "farhead" can often be traced to listening to the They Might Be Giants song "We Want a Rock" at a formative age.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Whoa whoa whoa--so, all I have to do to get free vagina weights is write a blog post about how I can't exercise my vagina properly? Hot Damn! I've gotta get bloggin'!


    Also, I don't think I'll ever be able to look at you the same way, knowing that you can't whistle or snap properly.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I don't check the weather either, maybe we're setting a rainboots on sunny days trend. And I can only snap with my right hand. hmmm

    ReplyDelete
  7. i have the same snapping problem. I like to think it's because my right hand is better at giving the finger to shitty drivers and in backgrounds of stranger's pictures.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I can only sort of snap with my right hand. And I only recently found out the lyrics to "Blinded By the Light" *weren't* "Revved up like a douche. . ." So relieved. Can't tell you what nightmares the mental picture of a revved-up douche evoked.

    ReplyDelete
  9. At least his inappropriate lyrics are not to the songs featured in "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer." Because I can never. watch. again.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I don't care how many times I'm told that it's deuce. He says douche, and he did that just for the purpose of making people like me giggle when it comes on the radio.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I suck at whistling too. I've tried the blow approach to no avail. My husband can do the long and loud finger whistle--which is exclusively used at sporting events. I'm so jealous of him, however, he cannot do a blow whistle either. How will my 4 year old ever learn how to do it properly?? :-)

    ReplyDelete
  12. I can't snap with my left hand. This post inspired me to research and then make this discovery.

    Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  13. In France kegals are covered by social security. As in, with a specialist and a little ... well I won't explain it. But the PT said it's like playstation for moms.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Fabulous. I'm partial to 'foresthead' and thoatily moaning 'purple vein! purple vein!' while doing a downwards air guitar strum towards my nether region (you know, to make it clear that I'm talking about a purple peen vein)whenever Prince's Purple Rain comes on.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I say Far-head too! I don't know why, but I get called out on it a lot. So now I just point and mumble. It is the most advanced humans who suffer the most, I say.

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...