Wednesday, March 23, 2011

You Give My Heart A Bone-On

Wow. I had no idea how my post yesterday would strike a chord with you guys. I got super weepy reading the comments. And even though I didn't mean for my story to be so depressing (I sort of pictured telling it as a stand-up comedy monologue with lots of Seinfeldian word emphasis), I was touched by how many of you shared your stories of middle school misery with me. It was like an "It Gets Better" for the non-gay but unpopular.

Anyway, to lighten the mood and cleanse the palate a bit, I wanted to share an email I received yesterday, titled "For Your Robust Bone-On." I've added my reactions in red.

Dear Una,

Yes?

Experience the efficiency of most innovative medications we have for your penis!

Oh. Haha. You mean the penis with which I get bone-ons? Not only are you bad at gender identification, but I suspect English is not your first language.

Do you worry, when you climb under the covers, that you’re starting something you can’t finish?

How did you know I was reading Oprah's unauthorized biography?

Well, now advancements in natural medicine are making it easier than ever to promote a strong libido, firm, natural erections and enhanced desire.

It's really not that titillating. I don't think she even does it with Steadman.

Now thanks to this exciting natural breakthrough, you could get an erection “on demand” and when you do, sustain it long enough – and keep firm enough — to fully satisfy your wife in bed. Even if you’re in your 70s, 80s or older!

Gross.

As a doctor,

Oh, I highly doubt that.

I’ve learned something over the years that may surprise you—age has very little to do with sex. There are men out there having the best sex of their lives well into their 80th year and beyond.

Hef doesn't count. I've read he just watched gay porn and falls asleep.

Lucky? You bet.

Eh, I don't think it's luck. Bone-ons don't just fall from trees, you know.

But you too could give your body the nutrients it needs to support your entire sexual health.

OK, fine. I'm listening. What?

Best doctors al over the world use antibiotics to treat they're patients’ bacterial infections.

Wait, what?! Where did that come from? Are you saying I have a UTI? What happened to your spelling? And what happened to my penis? I knew I should never have trusted anyone who couldn't come up with a proper euphemism for erection. Good day, sir.
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8 comments :

  1. Jesus Una! I laughed so hard I lost my Bone-on. Thanks I needed that...you know what they say about having one more than four hours! Great Post.

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  2. Darn it. I hate it when I get all excited about exciting developments when it comes to my lady bone-ons and then it turns out I have a bacterial infection. It's always worse when the bad news is presented in poor grammatical fashion.

    I don't think Oprah gets bone-ons either. She had some show on her network about a woman who couldn't get a 'bone-on' when having sex with her husband so instead she knelt in front of an overturned laundry basket and made the corner of it her bitch.

    I couldn't make that up if I tried.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I worked with a girl who pronounced 'erection' "election" and 'penis' "peanuts." So when she once said that on a first date the guy's peanuts became elected, we encouraged her to keep on dating him...the Oprah references are a hoot!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I get about 500 Viagra ads a day in my Spam folder...I'm not sure what the internet is trying to tell me...

    ReplyDelete
  5. 1. I couldn't comment yesterday because the pain of my unpopular childhood is still THAT acute. And I'm 32.
    2. My husband and I have created a hobby of finding the best spammer names. The best to date is "Junko Peacock."

    ReplyDelete
  6. Your responses in red gave me a bone-on, lol.

    ReplyDelete
  7. It's an amusing yet long story, so I'll go to the punchline. Once, while I was enjoying a seemingly normal cup of tea with my 81 year old mother she said to me "Well, you know, your father is a rather demanding lover".
    As IF!! Can you even? He was 84 at the time!
    I stammered around a bit but thought to ask if she wanted me to talk to him, tell him to knock it off or something. Really, I couldn't imagine why she'd say this to me unless she wanted help with it. Her reply? She waved her hand at me, chuckled, and said that wasn't necessary.
    And these are my memories.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Geeze--what kind of prospect was that? They neglected to offer to make your penis larger...clearly unaware of the competition!

    ReplyDelete

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