Wow. I had no idea how my post yesterday would strike a chord with you guys. I got super weepy reading the comments. And even though I didn't mean for my story to be so depressing (I sort of pictured telling it as a stand-up comedy monologue with lots of Seinfeldian word emphasis), I was touched by how many of you shared your stories of middle school misery with me. It was like an "It Gets Better" for the non-gay but unpopular.
Anyway, to lighten the mood and cleanse the palate a bit, I wanted to share an email I received yesterday, titled "For Your Robust Bone-On." I've added my reactions in red.
Experience the efficiency of most innovative medications we have for your penis!
Oh. Haha. You mean the penis with which I get bone-ons? Not only are you bad at gender identification, but I suspect English is not your first language.
Do you worry, when you climb under the covers, that you’re starting something you can’t finish?
How did you know I was reading Oprah's unauthorized biography?
Well, now advancements in natural medicine are making it easier than ever to promote a strong libido, firm, natural erections and enhanced desire.
It's really not that titillating. I don't think she even does it with Steadman.
Now thanks to this exciting natural breakthrough, you could get an erection “on demand” and when you do, sustain it long enough – and keep firm enough — to fully satisfy your wife in bed. Even if you’re in your 70s, 80s or older!
As a doctor,
Oh, I highly doubt that.
I’ve learned something over the years that may surprise you—age has very little to do with sex. There are men out there having the best sex of their lives well into their 80th year and beyond.
Hef doesn't count. I've read he just watched gay porn and falls asleep.
Lucky? You bet.
Eh, I don't think it's luck. Bone-ons don't just fall from trees, you know.
But you too could give your body the nutrients it needs to support your entire sexual health.
OK, fine. I'm listening. What?
Best doctors al over the world use antibiotics to treat they're patients’ bacterial infections.
Wait, what?! Where did that come from? Are you saying I have a UTI? What happened to your spelling? And what happened to my penis? I knew I should never have trusted anyone who couldn't come up with a proper euphemism for erection. Good day, sir.