Friday, March 25, 2011

TGI...WTF? Ultra Unsound

Hey ladies! Have you been looking for a belt that doubles as a Storm Trooper helmet AND X-rays your nether regions to broadcast your uterine activity like so many episodes of Keeping Up With The Kardashians?

"Nice belt buckle!" "Oh, thanks... it's my fetus."
Well, look no further than the PreVue pregnancy screen, an "abdomen attachment" that acts like the oven light God forgot, projecting an image of your developing baby using ultrasound technology.

Before I continue mocking this, let me say that I understand, on a basic level, why some people might want it. As someone who's had a miscarriage, I understand that many women have pregnancy-related anxiety that might be soothed by being able to check in on the baking bun whenever they needed reassurance that all is well. But come on, people. This is fucked up. You are subjecting your baby--not to mention your body--to constant, high-intensity sound pressure that has been shown in some cases to enhance inflammatory response and heat soft tissue. You might as well just hump a microwave, is what I'm saying. Well, you might be saying to yourself (hopefully with a finger snap), Tom Cruise bought an ultrasound machine for to use at home on his employee wife Katie Holmes. To which I say, yes, that is true. And if you want to take medical advice from someone who believes in Xenu and feels that it is acceptable to place his feet on Oprah's couch without asking, then be my guest. But in my opinion, when you're taking it a step further than Tom Cruise, you'd better stop, drop, and roll yourself over to Betty Ford before you become a danger to yourself or others.

But I'm not being fair. According to the PreVue site, the device lets family members (or bodega clerks or bank tellers) "connect with the fetus in its context." The context, I guess, being just floatin' in amniotic fluids tryin' to grow some organs! The site's illustrations are helpful in demonstrating its myriad* uses.

*R.I.P. Heather Chandler.


Like, forget playing Mozart to your belly! Why not teach your fetus how to read? After all, it's never too early to start your unborn child on the path to an Ivy League education. (Only, since the ultrasound doesn't go both ways, does she realize the baby can't actually see her book?)


Judging from the above, I'm assuming that the PreVue doubles as a delicious, steaming bowl of spaghetti bolognese that your husband can munch on in lieu of intercourse. Which is, actually, a really savvy feature.


Just make sure to read the manual, and don't under any circumstances, push "eject."


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28 comments :

  1. OMG, that's frighteningly hilarious!

    Let the mutant engineering commence!!

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  2. LMAO LMAO LMAO LMAO LMAO!!!!

    '...the oven light God forgot...' equals BEST LINE EVER! Thank you for making my Friday all that it can be! xD

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  3. psychsarah9:33 AM

    Woh-that is some creepy. Have you seen the 3D ultrasounds-the baby looks like some kind of alien. I can't imagine this would be any better. Plus, can't the baby daddy just talk to the belly if he wants to? Why does he need an immediate visual? This is just tooooooo weird.

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  4. I'm equally fascinated and repulsed by this. I can't decide which emotion is winning. I might get one even though I'm not pregnant. It would be great for parties.

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  5. I have no words, well I do, but no polite ones. As you said..."this is fucked up." I was not aware of the existence of this extraordinary product of madness.

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  6. Also useful for fat ladies who are weary of constantly explaining that they're not pregnant and that they just really enjoy ham. "See?! I'm not pregnant! Just hungry!"

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  7. That was flippin' hysterical! I cannot believe it! What will they think of next ultrasound bars next to coffee bars??

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  8. I just had a disturbing mental image of pregnant women walking around in public with these things strapped on, showing off their fetuses like the hottest new accessory. Sigh.

    Yes. Madness.

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  9. One word: F*cking disturbing. Ok, two words.

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  10. I'm speechless. I have no speech.

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  11. This is hilarious, you made my morning! This device, however...highly disturbing.

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  12. My first thought was that I wish I'd invented it, quickly followed by *that can't be safe* and *there's no way the real image looks that clear*.

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  13. uummmmmmmmmmmmmmmwhat.the.fuck.

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  14. You are hilarious--eject button! I can't imagine how anyone thinks this is a good idea. Ever.

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  15. Okay, I'm thinking that anyone who would do this to their fetus should wear the matching helmet. "Look! I have a baby, but no brain!"

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  16. No. That's it. Just no.

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  17. Eject!! Bahaha!

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  18. LMFAO that's just plain creepy

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  19. The oven light God forgot. A good line indeed.
    This is insanely f*cked up. I can just imagine the build a better baby people will be all over this, and that's frightening.
    Una, I'm very sorry for your loss.

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  20. Lou Briccant10:34 PM

    Your blog is the jelly on the peanut butter sandwich of life.

    Thank you.

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  21. High-intensity sound pressure...'nuff said. And...sorry for your loss...:(

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  22. WOOWWW!!!!1
    I couldn't imagine this...
    this is really an extreme and such a hilarious.
    I couldn't imagine this thing. It's a new accessory for a Preggy woman.

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  23. Anonymous10:56 AM

    They should call it Fetal Facebook! All information all the time.
    I am appalled.

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  24. I love the Heathers reference, "RIP Heather Chandler". Tooooo much. And by the way...that device is very fucked up.

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  25. I would really like to see a feature where you can attach little clothing cutouts for your fetus. Like something sporty for one day or something sassy for another...

    Also, if we could get this in 3D with a little holder on the side for 3D glasses and easy distribution for those in line with you at the grocery store or while you're waiting in line at the bank.

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  26. Anonymous3:53 PM

    this post now makes so much more sense after the preggers one... i was wondering where you came across that monstrosity, but obviously you were all diving into that topic! anyhow. congrats. big time!!!

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