Friday, March 11, 2011

TGI...WTF? Troll Dolls Trolling For More Than Just Hugs

Seriously, what in the name of She-Ra is this?


According to the Today Show (and you know I trust me some Matt Lauer), my beloved Troll dolls have been defiled, their innocent, chubby bodies stretched into gaunt, freakish elf shapes, their wide noses filed down to nothing more than tiny nubs, their lips garishly inflated, their eyes transformed from gentle brown marbles to giant,  creepy painted orbs. They've even tarted up the name--Trollz. What, are they just Bratz dolls that live under a bridge? Tiny hookers with candy-colored Al Sharpton hair? What, now they're too good for wholesome felt tunics and gingham? They have to dress like Britney Spears circa 1998? Is nothing sacred? Is Dora the Explorer one questionable map away from stumbling into Katy Perry territory? Do metal pasties even go with a backpack?

STOP STEALING MY CHILDHOOD MEMORIES, CORPORATE AMERICA.

You are officially on notice.

UPDATE: Reader Michelle writes in:
The sad news is - they've already made over Dora.
I remember hearing about it a few years ago on the news. Caused quite a stir, if I recall correctly. Granted, she's not super sexy - but why? I remember the argument being that they wanted to reflect her growing older, but isn't that the best thing about cartoons? They never age?

This has turned into a troubling epidemic. First Strawberry Shortcake, then Rainbow Brite...even Plumpy from CandyLand got turned into "Mamma Ginger Tree" (Lipo AND a sex change. Not cool, Hasbro.) What's next, sexy baby dolls? (Don't even answer that; you know it's coming.)
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28 comments :

  1. Ugh. Not an improvement.

    On the bright side, maybe now the original dolls will be worth a lot of money. Perhaps your troll doll earrings could put your future spawn through college one day!

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  2. Today's toys are creepy in a whole new way.

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  3. Ummm... you obviously don't watch enough Saturday morning cartoons on Fox. The Trollz have been on t.v. like this for at least 2 summers.

    They just run around town, not listening to their parents, trying to tame their powers, and generally getting into trouble.

    I think they're cute. But I also hated the original trolls. Hated.

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  4. They went from creepy non-gendered things that stare at you to creepy Toddlers and Tiaras -esque things that stare at you.

    I don't see the improvement.

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  5. And why are they all girls now??

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  6. Those are supposed to be trolls?? For real?
    Nothing is sacred anymore

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  7. That's just not right! Next they'll be redoing my little ponies and slap bracelets . . . When will it end?! Be original in a non-trashy sort of way.

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  8. I heard Barbie's Ken is out of the closet too - at last

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  9. Honestly I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner.

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  10. They've already redone My Little Pony. Transformers...Strawberry Shortcake.... If someone can just find a way to destroy He-Man, She-Ra, and Faerie Tale Theatre, the raping and pilaging of my childhood will be complete.

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  11. I saw these too. And was shocked. I love my old trolls.

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  12. Wow, this actually makes me sad; I used to have an abundance of trolls. They were my absolute favorite. They got rid of the Back to the Future ride at Universal studios and NOW they're discontinuing Cap'n Crunch. <--I feel everyday like my childhood is becoming more and more socially irrelevant.

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  13. The troll dolls (excuse me, DOLLZ) are weird, but why are they doing away with Cap'n Crunch!?!?!

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  14. Anonymous2:16 PM

    What about the monstrosity of Rugrats, all grown up?

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  15. My psychic powers forsee:
    Doug Funny--a middle-aged accountant by day/Chippendales dancer by night, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtlez--drag queens with Splinter as their manager/pimp, and the entire cast of "Eureeka's Castle" (did that spelling bother anyone besides me?) making porno.
    I'm just sayin'.

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  16. Now I'm sad, REALLY sad.
    It's a travesty.
    Bring back my Trolls!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  17. And this is why America is full of eating disorders.
    This is the first time I heard of 'mama ginger tree' and it totally broke my little heart. Candy Land is my favoritest game ever!

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  18. Pieces of leftover fabric and pinking shears and 20 minutes later my trolls had new wardrobes! You can't make frocks for these Trollz...plus their freakin' hair is already styled. Trolls don't have side bangs...and I bet they don't dance to Touch Me by The Doors like mine do, er, did...

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  19. OMG on Dora! That is super weird.

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  20. WOAH WOAH WOAH!!!! Rainbow Brite was made over????

    What has the world come to when even Rainbow Brite gets a make over?

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  21. Woah! This is crazy.
    I loved and I mean LOVED trolls as a child. Looking back on it, it was weird how much I loved them and their bejewled navels.

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  22. In related news, you know Jon Cryer is a troll, right?

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  23. Sexy baby dolls already happened. Remember "Bratz"? They made "Bratz Babyz." Not kidding.

    http://0.tqn.com/d/toys/1/0/L/9/Babyz.jpg

    http://cn1.kaboodle.com/hi/img/2/0/0/a6/c/AAAAAlQdezcAAAAAAKbORw.jpg?v=1196804130000

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  24. I'm a frequent shopper at toy stores, discount toy stores and dollar store toy isles.
    I'm always happy to see Legos, Matchbox, and Playdoh, all basically the same. I have found a Whoppee Cushion, a cash drawer with fake dollars and coins, and a bag of plastic cowboys and indians.
    Most everything else seems crazy different, horribly complicated, poorly constructed, and
    spoilers of imaginative play.
    Children's books are still great and there are some great new authors and illustrators.

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  25. Trollz!?!? Ugh.

    But it reminded me... did you hear Jon Cryer's (hilarious) rebuttal to Charlie Sheen calling HIM a troll? Haha!

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  26. Anonymous10:43 AM

    I LOVED my old trolls, and had about 20 of them, added to my best friend's 20 or so. We used to hold massive beauty pageants for them on the dining room table, make them satin gowns, twirl their hair into massive updos clipped into place with my mother's old rhinestone earrings, and hold Miss America pageants with them. My poor stepfather was routinely called upon to play Burt Parks and sing "There she goes, Miss America" as we crowned the winner. Of course it was the contrast between their goofy, ugly little bodies and faces and the concept of a beauty pageant that gave the whole game its transgressive pleasure.

    P.S. We hated Barbies.

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  27. You should have seen the My Little Ponies before the backlash. They were heinous. Thank god for Lincoln Logs - you can't make those ANY sexier.

    Love your blog!

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  28. Sandra2:59 AM

    Dammit, I loved my trolls! :( I also loved that Dora was a chubster! Not that I "support" unhealthy children or want to encourage childhood obesity, but I loved that there was one superfamous little cartoon kid who was out there representing all the actual chubby kids out there! BOO indeed, Corporate America!

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