According to the Today Show (and you know I trust me some Matt Lauer), my beloved Troll dolls have been defiled, their innocent, chubby bodies stretched into gaunt, freakish elf shapes, their wide noses filed down to nothing more than tiny nubs, their lips garishly inflated, their eyes transformed from gentle brown marbles to giant, creepy painted orbs. They've even tarted up the name--Trollz. What, are they just Bratz dolls that live under a bridge? Tiny hookers with candy-colored Al Sharpton hair? What, now they're too good for wholesome felt tunics and gingham? They have to dress like Britney Spears circa 1998? Is nothing sacred? Is Dora the Explorer one questionable map away from stumbling into Katy Perry territory? Do metal pasties even go with a backpack?
STOP STEALING MY CHILDHOOD MEMORIES, CORPORATE AMERICA.
You are officially on notice.
UPDATE: Reader Michelle writes in:
The sad news is - they've already made over Dora.
I remember hearing about it a few years ago on the news. Caused quite a stir, if I recall correctly. Granted, she's not super sexy - but why? I remember the argument being that they wanted to reflect her growing older, but isn't that the best thing about cartoons? They never age?
This has turned into a troubling epidemic. First Strawberry Shortcake, then Rainbow Brite...even Plumpy from CandyLand got turned into "Mamma Ginger Tree" (Lipo AND a sex change. Not cool, Hasbro.) What's next, sexy baby dolls? (Don't even answer that; you know it's coming.)