*I wish I knew someone named Nellie, so I could say, "Woah, Nellie!" to her all the time and laugh and laugh. Because of this, though, the friendship would likely be short-lived. Like my friend Cecilia, to whom I kept complaining that she was breaking my heart and shaking my confidence daily, until she unfriended me on Facebook. Okay, that didn't really happen. I wish. I also want to find a Renee whom I can plead with to not walk away. Basically, avoid me if your name has been used in any popular song.
Anyway. There were some controversial looks at the Oscars. Looks that would not get you into the fantasy suite, if you know what I mean (what I mean is sex in the back of the limo). Like, take Cate Blanchett:
Actually, this wasn't controversial at all--everyone fell all over themselves loving Cate's gown, despite the fact that her boobs are looking out a giant porthole. I will grant that it has pretty colors and nice--if horseshoe-shaped--saddlebag detailing. But PEOPLE. It's like she's wearing Givenchy... for Maytag. If her hair wasn't so obedient to gravity I'd swear this was Swinton.
Nicole, on the other hand, looked like herself--albeit a self wrapped in a bedsheet bedecked with puff paint.
And crazy ol' HBC, our favorite velveteen saloon wench, showed off the luggage tag Tim Burton forgot to take off after he claimed her at LAX.
Melissa Leo was the favorite to win--and win she did, dropping the F-bomb along the way. But to me, the below photo begs the question, WHY would someone with a VERY HIGH PROBABILITY of being on a GLOBALLY-WATCHED program seen by MILLIONS AND MILLIONS of people choose to wear an intricate doily with cap sleeves? And what you can't see here is that the DOILY SHINES. It shines with the might of a thousand iridescent American Apparel hotpants! Melissa, this is the dress you wear to the Golden Globes when you're up against Meryl Streep twice for playing both Leni Riefenstahl and Margaret Thatcher. This is the dress you drink your sorrows in, the dress you still have on the next morning while Jeremy Piven is giving you a tour of his walk-in humidor. This is not the dress you win your Oscar in. Of course, it's too late now.
Sharon Stone wasn't up for any real awards, but she threw herself into the running for Most Literal Interpretation of Black Swan. And also, Most Unfortunate Placement of Sad, Flaccid Bow.
I'm not sure which upsets me more: Emma Stone's weird, Spirograph-inspired mini dress and 45 year-old Waffle House waitress wig...
... or the fact that Emma Stone used to look like this:
THAT IS NOT OKAY.
Moving on. Another red carpet trend this year was See-Through Lingerie Disguised As Eveningwear. Not even ScarJo could pull this off, in what looked like a Frederick's of Hollywood Victorian body stocking.
Ginnifer Goodwin, also known as Pouty McLemonFace van ChristianSirianoHair, also had trouble not looking like she fell out of the bordello tree, hitting every branch on the way down.
Jessica Szohr, the only marginally non-white Gossip Girl cast member, draped her Gap khaki skirt in a thorny shroud. I can only assume it was mourning her nipples, suffocating above in a wrinkled vinyl sack.
And Zooey, sweet Zooey. What happened to cotton, which I know is the fabric of your life because I have watched your insufferable commercial, the one in which you pretend that your natural singing voice sounds like Billie Holliday gargling cough syrup, approximately a bajillion times? Cotton would never have done you so wrong--you definitely wouldn't look like you had chest hair, for one. (And seriously, who is stockpiling the Spirographs? Because I WANT.)
Now that I've dispensed with the bad and/or fugly, I'll move on to the dresses I found myself torn over.
Mila Kunis, for instance, wore what amounted to some pasties and a dust ruffle, but somehow she made it look great.
And Michelle Williams looked like 1970s Mia Farrow crossed with a baby duck covered in sequins, and yet she also looked chic.
I don't love Amy Adams' dress--it's a little Tonya Harding for my tastes, and cap sleeves are not my friend--but I think she pulls it off. With the exception of the necklace. I spent the whole night just wanting to rip it off of her, like a jealous character out of Dynasty.
Oh, well. At least they let Anne accessorize her colostomy bag with some rosettes.
You can tell Tim Gunn is being really supportive. I bet in this photo he's whispering, "You know, Annie, normally I would say that ass goiters are a little last season, but you, Miss Mia Thermopolis, are Making. It Work."