Thursday, March 3, 2011

Oscar Fashion Throw-Down, 4 Days Late... Because You Still Care, Right?

Woah, Nellie*! How about them Oscars, huh?! That was not so long ago that they are now irrelevant, right? Right?? Listen, the last thing I remember was nestling into my Slanket on Sunday night and now it's Thursday, and other than a $5 footlong I found wedged in the crook of my elbow I have no idea what went on. Except I'm pretty sure I missed the episode of The Bachelor where they all go to a remote island and get to use "the fantasy suite," which is totally code for boning. Sigh. That is my favorite episode.

*I wish I knew someone named Nellie, so I could say, "Woah, Nellie!" to her all the time and laugh and laugh. Because of this, though, the friendship would likely be short-lived. Like my friend Cecilia, to whom I kept complaining that she was breaking my heart and shaking my confidence daily, until she unfriended me on Facebook. Okay, that didn't really happen. I wish. I also want to find a Renee whom I can plead with to not walk away. Basically, avoid me if your name has been used in any popular song.

Anyway. There were some controversial looks at the Oscars. Looks that would not get you into the fantasy suite, if you know what I mean (what I mean is sex in the back of the limo). Like, take Cate Blanchett:


Actually, this wasn't controversial at all--everyone fell all over themselves loving Cate's gown, despite the fact that her boobs are looking out a giant porthole. I will grant that it has pretty colors and nice--if horseshoe-shaped--saddlebag detailing. But PEOPLE. It's like she's wearing Givenchy... for Maytag. If her hair wasn't so obedient to gravity I'd swear this was Swinton.

Nicole, on the other hand, looked like herself--albeit a self wrapped in a bedsheet bedecked with puff paint.


And crazy ol' HBC, our favorite velveteen saloon wench, showed off the luggage tag Tim Burton forgot to take off after he claimed her at LAX.


Melissa Leo was the favorite to win--and win she did, dropping the F-bomb along the way. But to me, the below photo begs the question, WHY would someone with a VERY HIGH PROBABILITY of being on a GLOBALLY-WATCHED program seen by MILLIONS AND MILLIONS of people choose to wear an intricate doily with cap sleeves? And what you can't see here is that the DOILY SHINES. It shines with the might of a thousand iridescent American Apparel hotpants! Melissa, this is the dress you wear to the Golden Globes when you're up against Meryl Streep twice for playing both Leni Riefenstahl and Margaret Thatcher. This is the dress you drink your sorrows in, the dress you still have on the next morning while Jeremy Piven is giving you a tour of his walk-in humidor. This is not the dress you win your Oscar in. Of course, it's too late now.


Sharon Stone wasn't up for any real awards, but she threw herself into the running for Most Literal Interpretation of Black Swan. And also, Most Unfortunate Placement of Sad, Flaccid Bow.


I'm not sure which upsets me more: Emma Stone's weird, Spirograph-inspired mini dress and 45 year-old Waffle House waitress wig...


... or the fact that Emma Stone used to look like this:


THAT IS NOT OKAY.

Moving on. Another red carpet trend this year was See-Through Lingerie Disguised As Eveningwear. Not even ScarJo could pull this off, in what looked like a Frederick's of Hollywood Victorian body stocking.


Ginnifer Goodwin, also known as Pouty McLemonFace van ChristianSirianoHair, also had trouble not looking like she fell out of the bordello tree, hitting every branch on the way down.


Jessica Szohr, the only marginally non-white Gossip Girl cast member, draped her Gap khaki skirt in a thorny shroud. I can only assume it was mourning her nipples, suffocating above in a wrinkled vinyl sack.


And Zooey, sweet Zooey. What happened to cotton, which I know is the fabric of your life because I have watched your insufferable commercial, the one in which you pretend that your natural singing voice sounds like Billie Holliday gargling cough syrup, approximately a bajillion times? Cotton would never have done you so wrong--you definitely wouldn't look like you had chest hair, for one. (And seriously, who is stockpiling the Spirographs? Because I WANT.)


Now that I've dispensed with the bad and/or fugly, I'll move on to the dresses I found myself torn over.

Mila Kunis, for instance, wore what amounted to some pasties and a dust ruffle, but somehow she made it look great.


And Michelle Williams looked like 1970s Mia Farrow crossed with a baby duck covered in sequins, and yet she also looked chic.


I don't love Amy Adams' dress--it's a little Tonya Harding for my tastes, and cap sleeves are not my friend--but I think she pulls it off. With the exception of the necklace. I spent the whole night just wanting to rip it off of her, like a jealous character out of Dynasty.


Oh, well. At least they let Anne accessorize her colostomy bag with some rosettes.


You can tell Tim Gunn is being really supportive. I bet in this photo he's whispering, "You know, Annie, normally I would say that ass goiters are a little last season, but you, Miss Mia Thermopolis, are Making. It Work."

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29 comments :

  1. As an Ellie I nearly qualify for the whoa. Actually, I ENTIRELY qualify for the whoa. Someone should say that to me MUCH more often. Is it sad I actually LIKED Cate Blanchett's dress until you said the word porthole? Because now that is indelibly and inescapably associated with that dress for me. Thanks. No, really.

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  2. more! more! you left out one of the most stunning women of the night, helen mirren.

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  3. I really like Zooey Deschanel (I liked her cotton commercial) and I always really WANT to love her fashion choices but sometimes it is so hard!

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  4. I love Cate Blanchette, but every time I saw her dress, I felt like I should say, "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the fugliest dresser of them all?" And then a weird little face would appear on her chest and I'd be freaked out.

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  5. I know that I'm in the minority, but I really liked Melissa Leo's dress. There. I said it.

    Granted, it doesn't look good in these photos, but it looked really pretty during the telecast, I thought. It did look stiff and uncomfortable, but the shiny gold stuff made me a fan.

    I'll never understand how Ginnifer Goodwin always gets cast as the sweet and chirpy character when she ALWAYS looks like such a b*tch on the red carpet. It's the strangest phenomenon. Either she's a *really* good actress, or she's saving her cheek muscles for real smiles.

    Cate's dress was hideous, I thought. It looked like something a third grader would have made if you'd given them a bunch of gems, macaroni, and a hot glue gun.

    Emma Stone is one of my favorite actresses now, and it kills me to see her as a blonde. I know that it's her natural hair color, but if red is wrong, I don't want her to be right. Every time I see her with that gorgeous auburn hair, it makes me want to color mine...even though I know I'll look nothing like her. :-/

    What did you think of Reese Witherspoon? I was annoyed that everyone as fawning all over her for such a simple dress. I could have designed that. Also, it looked REALLY similar to Julia Roberts a few years back, and that annoyed me. Out of all the dresses you could choose from, why choose something so...plain?

    I'll never get fashion, I guess. Good thing I'm not famous!

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  6. Thank you! I hated Cate's dress. I can't get over that weird design element on the chest area like something was missing.

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  7. My old boss used to sing "Delta Dawn" to me everyday as I came into work.

    I left the position.

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  8. I just feel like Cate ate a hotdog in the limo on the way to the red carpet, and some mustard dripped on her shoulders... Otherwise, lovely dress.

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  9. If Joan Rivers was this funny I might watch her stupid show... Scratch that, she looks like a goblin, I'd never watch her show.

    In conclusion, you are funny, she is not.

    She never was.

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  10. my best friend is named sara and i'm always telling her that no time is a good time for goodbye.

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  11. This was worth the wait Una! Your brain is on overdrive...Swinton's hair gravity comment and Ginnifer Goodwin falling out of the bordello tree, hitting every branch on the way down...pure genius! My Grandma's name was Nellie and my cousin had a boyfriend who used to say "Woah, Nellie" to her...she laughed but one time she socked him in the arm. :)

    Yours truly,

    Lisa Lisa Bo Beesa Banana Fanna Fo Feesa...you get the pic! Everyone's name is ripe for song!!

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  12. You think having a name referred to in a single Top 40 song is annoying? Try being named Mary. Really. Just TRY it. See how many times over the course of YOUR ENTIRE LIFE you can stand being asked, "Where's your little lamb?" before you shriek, "I ATE IT!!!" and whip a bloody butcher knife out of your purse. Which invariably leads to the offender asking why you're being so contrary. *sob*

    Love the Oscar couture commentary. Cate's dress made me uncomfortable. It looked like it needed to see a dermatologist, maybe get some ointment for those giant lavender pustules.

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  13. Oh, thank you for the Amy Adams/Tony Harding comment. I've been trying to figure out why I feel weird about Amy Adams, and that's it! She is Tony Harding's (mostly) good twin!

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  14. Greetings from the "I just met a girl named Maria!" girl. If only I'd collected a nickle for every time I've heard that...or "Take a letter Maria!" Tough being a secretary with the name Maria!!!

    Anyhoo, I too am a fan of the "falling from the bordelo tree" comment and I wholeheartedly agree that Cate was Tilda for a night.

    Keep up the good work Sassy. No matter how late you are, you are worth the wait. Awwww!

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  15. Totally Oscar unrelated... I have a sister named Patty. In mixed company I clean my language up and will exclaim things like, "Holy cow!" in place of real obscenities. When speaking to my sister, I always crack up laughing after every time I say, "Holy cow, Patty!" Get it? Cow Patty? Aha-ha-ha. This one never gets old.

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  16. Isn't it weird how much last minute ordering of Oscar gowns out of the Fredericks of Hollywood/Victorias secret catalog there was? So weird!!

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  17. I missed the snarky commentary on Monday, so I was happy to read your hilarious remarks here. Sharon Stone's literal interpretation of Black Swan...hah. I wanted to like Cate's dress until I read your porthole reference Sunday night.

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  18. I have a friend named Rhonda and somehow I always need her to help me. Ass goiter made me fall out of my chair.

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  19. Really glad I'm not the only one who saw the doily connection here. I wrote about it in my blog too.
    http://theadventuresofshaw.blogspot.com/

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  20. oh Sassy Molassy,
    This post was definitely worth the wait. The Cate Blanchet/Tilda Swinton comment was dead on an the ass goiter rosettes killed me!
    Thank you for your critical, sarcastic, and curmudgeonly commentary!

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  21. Magpie9:50 PM

    Wake up Maggie, I think I've got something to say to you - no that never gets old!

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  22. No one does fashion reviews quite like you.
    J'adore.
    That's a real shame about Emma Stone.
    I for one will never get used to whatever it is Sharon Stone did to her face.
    HBC actually looked matchy-matchy for her, didn't she? She will forever be Bellatrix Lestrange to me, the scariest you can't convince me she was only acting thing I've ever seen.

    My daughter is Allison and I aggravate her bad moods with Elvis Costello's "Allison, I know this world is killing you"

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  23. I knew a Sharona in college. You could see her begin to boil every time someone would break out in song.

    I was saddened by Emma Stone. Then again who said formal comes in mini? Her and Ms Diaz were obviously in cahoots.

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  24. You know I would love to be able to wear any of that stuff even if I would look hideous.

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  25. I laughed, I cried, I actually tried to watch the Oscars. I Like Mila's dress. I thought Cate was beautiful, but a bit Trekkie. As for the others, you are right. But you forgot about Barbie, I mean Ms. W. She had a million dollar dress on, but I kept thinking she was looking for her Ken and her pink Barbie-mobile all night.

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  26. Waffle House Wig. Most accurate assessment ever.

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  27. Tonya Harding! You are SO right. Now I understand why I don't like Amy Adams and why I will like her less after I see her play some trashy character in The Fighter. Thank you, Sassy!

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  28. Mirabai7:13 PM

    I thought Melissa's dress would look really good if it were a shirt with long bell sleeves, worn with jeans. But only on someone really thin, without large breasts.

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