I didn’t read said email, because I decided I would rather imagine what it said. My mind immediately cartwheeled into a magical world in which genitals, like computers, required technical support...
Vagina specialist: Hello, Vagina Solutions.
Man: Hello. Uh, I’m calling because... my wife’s... well, my wife’s vagina doesn’t seem to be working.
Vagina specialist: I see, sir. Have you checked to make sure it’s turned on?
Man: What?
Vagina specialist: I know it seems simple, but I can’t tell you how many times I’ve fielded calls like this. Can you tell me if it’s turned on?
Man: Uh... I think so. How can I tell?
Vagina specialist: There’s a button.
Man: Where?
Vagina specialist: On most current models it's located near the anterior junction of the labia minora.
Man: Listen, pal, I’m not a real technical guy.
Vagina specialist: Sorry. It’s near the top.
Man: I... hmm. I’m gonna need more direction.
Vagina specialist: Certainly, sir. Let me transfer you to our clitoral location department.
Or, maybe, all women would receive owner's manuals at the onset of puberty, complete with helpful flow-charts!
*Except for the beaver cartoon, which I borrowed from Beaver 96.7 FM
Come on, Geek Squad... are you ready to put down the laptops and pick up some ladyparts? Vagina Solutions needs YOU.
I love to start off the day with a helpful chart so thanks!
ReplyDeleteHilarious. I got that email too and was like whaaa? You've got to be kidding. I'm glad I didn't open it and read your post instead...this version is waaaay better than whatever the lady mag came up with...
ReplyDeleteWhile we're on the subject of vaginas....
ReplyDeleteI thought you might enjoy one of my all time favorite sarcastic blog posts--an analysis of a douche ad:
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2010/08/26/896386/-Want-a-raise-Wash-your-vagina
Una- That chart is sheer brilliance. I work as an ER nurse at night, and I seriously wish I could print it out and pass out to the females that come in. I can't even imagine trying to estimate a number of how many times the discharge diagnosis from the doctor is, "Ma'am. You're having your period," or having to go "spelunking" for a lost tampon. There was even the time a girl stuck a tampon up her ass because she didn't realize there are three orifices "down there." Sigh. Treating these idiots has definitely made me a curmudgeon.
ReplyDeleteHoly.shit. The whole time I was reading the chart I was like, there's no way Una made this, it's TOO genius. You really overshot yourself this time. Don't worry, I'm on my p right now so nature has already punished me for being such a negative Nancy.
ReplyDeleteI smell a book deal.....
Love this, and you.
The beaver clip art was my favorite part!
ReplyDeleteOMG best post ever, although all your posts give me the gigglefits. I love reading your blog, the ups, the downs, the in betweens and your obsession with various junk food (groups).
ReplyDeleteLove from Canada (eh?)
Vanessa
I kind of want to print that chart out onto a poster and put it up in my cubicle.
ReplyDeleteI'll credit you if I do, of course.
Seriously, you should make t-shirts.
That's a GREAT chart! You need to watermark that thing before it's too late, or at least put your blog address somewhere unobtrusive.
ReplyDeleteAll this time, I thought there was ONE hole down there. You learn something new every day! Thanks, Una!
awesome chart. seriously. you should print them up and hand them out at junior high schools.
ReplyDeleteThis is very good but I have to admit I enjoy the comment from Kelli about the ass tampon. That's just not okay! Who does that. How can you not tell a difference. Just imagine, if you will, inserting a tampon into your asshole. Ouch.
ReplyDeleteThat would require a Troubleshooting Your Ass chart...or Troubleshooting your IQ of 55...
I can't help but picture a newbie at the V.T. call center frantically scrambling to find his sheet and stammering, "Is it brown? Are there eyes? GOD HELP US ALL ARE THERE EYES?"
ReplyDeleteLOL! I loved that. reading this at work was fun ... I kept minimizing whenever anyone walked by
ReplyDeletelmao, that's freaking hilarious! I agree you should put your mark on it somewhere so it doesn't get jacked by someone less brilliant.
ReplyDeleteThanks, guys! I took your advice and watermarked my Vagina Chart. Never thought I'd type that sentence.
ReplyDeleteI love flow charts so much! I loved the part that said, "Does it have eyes?" I'll be laughing about that all day!
ReplyDeleteYou just made my day. I'm laughing so hard nothing can ruin my day today. :-)
ReplyDeleteTroubleshooting Your Vagina - where the Geek Squad all look like Chippendales dancers.
ReplyDeleteAbsolute Brilliance.
ReplyDeleteUna, this is why you are still the best and funniest thing going!
ReplyDeleteThis is the most awesome thing EVER!!! Thank you :)
ReplyDeleteIf you get a bunch of IT guys offering to help with troubleshooting, it's because I posted a link on my fb page.
ReplyDeletei needed this laugh desperately and all the comments have kept the laugh going. keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteHilarious!! Thank you for brightening my day!
ReplyDeleteI read this at work earlier and nearly fell out of my chair laughing! Thanks so much for making my work day bearable :)
ReplyDeleteMy god. Where have you been all my life?
ReplyDeleteHow would you feel about me making copies of that flow chart and leaving a stack at my doctor's office when I go for my vagina appointment next week? Eh?
Hilarious.
Sung to the tune of B.O.B. f/Bruno Mars' Aint Got Nothin' on You Baby:
ReplyDeleteVagina Monologues Aint Got Nothin' on You, Una-a
Nuth, Nuth, Nuthin' on You, Una-a
I absolutely love your chart. Well done. I think my effort to quell my laughter still disturbed half the library occupants. My dad gives sex ed talks at the base middle and high schools in england. I should forward this post to him. It may just come in handy.
ReplyDeleteI got the same email and couldn't stop laughing!
ReplyDeletealmost just snorted diet coke out my nose.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great idea! You need to leave some room for an ebb and flow chart for the aging vagina.
ReplyDeleteYou best believe those inquiries will keep the Geek Squad busy.
amazing flow flow chart. amazing.
ReplyDeletei could well be the 'man' as above.
ReplyDeletewhen i tap wife on the shoulder tonight and she tells me to 'forget it' i shall produce a clipboard with your chart from under the bed and go through it with her to see if i can work out what's goin on.....
hahaha genius.
ReplyDeletehahaha awesome, good job!
ReplyDeleteThis post takes the cake (muffin?, Sassy. Great, now I look like I've been crying just before work. How do I explain this one? "Well, there was this vaginal flow chart, see, and, like, vagina technical support... Nevermind."
ReplyDeleteTHAT CHART! THAT CHART!!! It is so many levels of brilliance I cannot even begin to lavish it with appropriate praise. And thank you so much...I thought I had three kids, but apparently I only have two and one potato. Good to know!
ReplyDelete