Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Troubleshooting Your Vagina

Last week, I received an email from one of the women’s health (read: obsessive fitness and starvation) magazines I subscribe to. The title of this email was: Troubleshooting Your Vagina.

I didn’t read said email, because I decided I would rather imagine what it said. My mind immediately cartwheeled into a magical world in which genitals, like computers, required technical support...

Vagina specialist: Hello, Vagina Solutions.
Man: Hello. Uh, I’m calling because... my wife’s... well, my wife’s vagina doesn’t seem to be working.
Vagina specialist: I see, sir. Have you checked to make sure it’s turned on?
Man: What?
Vagina specialist: I know it seems simple, but I can’t tell you how many times I’ve fielded calls like this. Can you tell me if it’s turned on?
Man: Uh... I think so. How can I tell?
Vagina specialist: There’s a button.
Man: Where?
Vagina specialist: On most current models it's located near the anterior junction of the labia minora.
Man: Listen, pal, I’m not a real technical guy.
Vagina specialist: Sorry. It’s near the top.
Man: I... hmm. I’m gonna need more direction.
Vagina specialist: Certainly, sir. Let me transfer you to our clitoral location department.

Or, maybe, all women would receive owner's manuals at the onset of puberty, complete with helpful flow-charts!

 Click to enlarge. I made it myself*, using Photoshop... and science.

*Except for the beaver cartoon, which I borrowed from Beaver 96.7 FM

Come on, Geek Squad... are you ready to put down the laptops and pick up some ladyparts? Vagina Solutions needs YOU.

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37 comments :

  1. I love to start off the day with a helpful chart so thanks!

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  2. Hilarious. I got that email too and was like whaaa? You've got to be kidding. I'm glad I didn't open it and read your post instead...this version is waaaay better than whatever the lady mag came up with...

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  3. Anonymous8:26 AM

    While we're on the subject of vaginas....
    I thought you might enjoy one of my all time favorite sarcastic blog posts--an analysis of a douche ad:

    http://www.dailykos.com/story/2010/08/26/896386/-Want-a-raise-Wash-your-vagina

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  4. Una- That chart is sheer brilliance. I work as an ER nurse at night, and I seriously wish I could print it out and pass out to the females that come in. I can't even imagine trying to estimate a number of how many times the discharge diagnosis from the doctor is, "Ma'am. You're having your period," or having to go "spelunking" for a lost tampon. There was even the time a girl stuck a tampon up her ass because she didn't realize there are three orifices "down there." Sigh. Treating these idiots has definitely made me a curmudgeon.

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  5. Holy.shit. The whole time I was reading the chart I was like, there's no way Una made this, it's TOO genius. You really overshot yourself this time. Don't worry, I'm on my p right now so nature has already punished me for being such a negative Nancy.

    I smell a book deal.....

    Love this, and you.

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  6. The beaver clip art was my favorite part!

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  7. OMG best post ever, although all your posts give me the gigglefits. I love reading your blog, the ups, the downs, the in betweens and your obsession with various junk food (groups).

    Love from Canada (eh?)
    Vanessa

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  8. I kind of want to print that chart out onto a poster and put it up in my cubicle.

    I'll credit you if I do, of course.

    Seriously, you should make t-shirts.

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  9. That's a GREAT chart! You need to watermark that thing before it's too late, or at least put your blog address somewhere unobtrusive.

    All this time, I thought there was ONE hole down there. You learn something new every day! Thanks, Una!

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  10. awesome chart. seriously. you should print them up and hand them out at junior high schools.

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  11. This is very good but I have to admit I enjoy the comment from Kelli about the ass tampon. That's just not okay! Who does that. How can you not tell a difference. Just imagine, if you will, inserting a tampon into your asshole. Ouch.

    That would require a Troubleshooting Your Ass chart...or Troubleshooting your IQ of 55...

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  12. I can't help but picture a newbie at the V.T. call center frantically scrambling to find his sheet and stammering, "Is it brown? Are there eyes? GOD HELP US ALL ARE THERE EYES?"

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  13. LOL! I loved that. reading this at work was fun ... I kept minimizing whenever anyone walked by

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  14. lmao, that's freaking hilarious! I agree you should put your mark on it somewhere so it doesn't get jacked by someone less brilliant.

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  15. Thanks, guys! I took your advice and watermarked my Vagina Chart. Never thought I'd type that sentence.

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  16. I love flow charts so much! I loved the part that said, "Does it have eyes?" I'll be laughing about that all day!

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  17. You just made my day. I'm laughing so hard nothing can ruin my day today. :-)

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  18. Troubleshooting Your Vagina - where the Geek Squad all look like Chippendales dancers.

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  19. Absolute Brilliance.

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  20. Una, this is why you are still the best and funniest thing going!

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  21. This is the most awesome thing EVER!!! Thank you :)

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  22. If you get a bunch of IT guys offering to help with troubleshooting, it's because I posted a link on my fb page.

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  23. i needed this laugh desperately and all the comments have kept the laugh going. keep up the good work!

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  24. Hilarious!! Thank you for brightening my day!

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  25. I read this at work earlier and nearly fell out of my chair laughing! Thanks so much for making my work day bearable :)

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  26. My god. Where have you been all my life?

    How would you feel about me making copies of that flow chart and leaving a stack at my doctor's office when I go for my vagina appointment next week? Eh?

    Hilarious.

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  27. Sung to the tune of B.O.B. f/Bruno Mars' Aint Got Nothin' on You Baby:

    Vagina Monologues Aint Got Nothin' on You, Una-a
    Nuth, Nuth, Nuthin' on You, Una-a

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  28. I absolutely love your chart. Well done. I think my effort to quell my laughter still disturbed half the library occupants. My dad gives sex ed talks at the base middle and high schools in england. I should forward this post to him. It may just come in handy.

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  29. I got the same email and couldn't stop laughing!

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  30. almost just snorted diet coke out my nose.

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  31. What a great idea! You need to leave some room for an ebb and flow chart for the aging vagina.
    You best believe those inquiries will keep the Geek Squad busy.

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  32. amazing flow flow chart. amazing.

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  33. i could well be the 'man' as above.

    when i tap wife on the shoulder tonight and she tells me to 'forget it' i shall produce a clipboard with your chart from under the bed and go through it with her to see if i can work out what's goin on.....

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  34. hahaha awesome, good job!

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  35. This post takes the cake (muffin?, Sassy. Great, now I look like I've been crying just before work. How do I explain this one? "Well, there was this vaginal flow chart, see, and, like, vagina technical support... Nevermind."

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  36. THAT CHART! THAT CHART!!! It is so many levels of brilliance I cannot even begin to lavish it with appropriate praise. And thank you so much...I thought I had three kids, but apparently I only have two and one potato. Good to know!

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