Friday, February 25, 2011

TGI...WTF? Mint Madness

Call me evil, but one of my favorite varieties of news stories is People Getting Into (Non-Fatal*) Physical Fights Over Trivial Things.

*See? I have a heart.

My favorite sub category of that oeuvre is People Getting Into (Non-Fatal) Physical Fights Over Food.

And if I had to choose a favorite sub-sub category, it would have to be People Getting Into (Non-Fatal) Physical Fights Over Food That Costs Less Than $4.

Lucky for me, there have been not one, but two news items about this phenomenon in this month alone! They should rename February Don't Touch My Food, Bitch month. I'm sure Black History will understand.

First, in Staten Island (of course) last week, a 16 year-old kidnapped her boyfriend's daughter after he smacked her... for eating the last Hot Pocket.

And then, earlier this week, a Floridian woman threatened her roommate with scissors, hit her with a board, and then knocked her to the ground and beat her because the roommate had given a box of her Thin Mints... to the assailant's own hungry children.

Now, the Hot Pocket incident just seems silly to me, since that dude could easily have just gone to the nearest 7-Eleven. But Girl Scout cookies... those are precious. In the off-season, you'd have an easier time buying crack than getting your hands on a box of Samoas. Hersha Howard, the Thin Mint Thrasher, looks like she knows what I'm talking about:

I feel you, girl.
I've thought long and hard about this over the past ten minutes, and I can't think of a food item that would reduce me to violence. My sister brought over some Cadbury Creme Eggs last week--a four-pack--and after eating one I left the other three in the kitchen. The other day at work, I started fantasizing about eating another one, but when I got home I saw the empty box in the garbage. I'm not going to lie and say that I didn't stare wistfully at the trash for a second or two. But instead of storming into Jeff's office and assaulting him with a table lamp, I just rooted around in the fridge until I found something else that looked good.

I guess I passed the sociopath test, food-based rage variety!

Do not step to my Sassy magazines, though. Then you will know pain.

UPDATE: Already, readers have sent in more recent reasons to celebrate Don't Touch My Food, Bitch month. A woman was arrested in Dorchester, Mass. last Friday for threatening to kill an employee of a party store during an argument about the difference between fondant and fondue (to clarify: fondant is that thick, pasty Play-Doh-looking stuff they slap on wedding cakes to make them look perfect and smooth; fondue is delicious melted cheese or chocolate into which you dip chunks of bread or fruit, but which necessitates a special fondue set and those little toxic-looking blue hockey puck things that you set on fire to keep your melty concoction from turning into unappetizing glue). ALSO! A man in Latvia was shot dead for eating popcorn too loudly during a screening of Black Swan. That, of course, is a fatal cheap food-related incident, which technically does not fall into the category of my--or Oprah's--Favorite Things. But seriously, that's messed up. I can kind of understand Filipinos getting upset about bad karaoke renditions of "My Way," because that song is not easy to sit through even when done well. But chewing a food product with the word "pop" in its name is going to make some noise. And Black Swan isn't worth it. There, I said it. Passionate chewing would only have improved the screening I went to. But then, I always like to hear crunching while watching overblown, hallucinatory lesbian sex scenes. I'm weird like that.

P.S. I'm live-blogging the Oscars for The Huffington Post this Sunday from 6-12 pm EST. Check back here on Sunday for a link, or become a fan of TSC on Facebook to get updates.
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21 comments :

  1. My wife always assumes (correctly) that if there are chips sitting around the house, they'll just disappear.

    But if I touched her Easter Cream Eggs, I'd expect a beating!

    You're strong, girl!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hersha Howard obviously doesn't have girl scouts outside of every grocery and convenience store guilting you with their confections. I know they see through my "I'm sorry, I don't have any cash" routine. One even responded "We take checks." Had I actually had a check I might have given her the satisfaction. Way to not be spineless AND doing it yourself instead of having your parent alienate their entire office for a couple weeks.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I've been trying to think of a food item I might fight over...I can't really, although like you I might stare at the trash can thinking for a minute or two about why they would eat ALL of my tasty treats....but I don't resort to violence....although no one has ever eaten the last of my samoas.

    ReplyDelete
  4. One of Zack's super redneck friends is married to a woman who yells, "GO GET ME A FUCKING HOT POCKET" on a regular basis. I might have to punch her in the junk.

    I don't blame that lady for getting all wild over Thin Mints. You can't get them shits just anywhere.

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  5. My husband basically quit his last job because someone ate his chocolate pudding that he had in the fridge. I mean, who does that. It was the final straw.

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  6. I pity the family member (hubby, dogs) who touch my Weight Watcher's Lemon Creme Cakes...

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  7. overblown hallucinatory lesbian scenes you say... I'll need to go see this film and make my own mind up about its worth i think.

    Now where is my shotgun...

    ReplyDelete
  8. i would seriously ninja-injure someone if they finished off the last three cadbury cream eggs.

    in fact, if i were in a store and there was only one cadbury cream egg left, and i got to it first, but some little kid wanted it, i would manipulate the kid into wanting something else, instead of the egg. even if the kid was super cute, or had a puppy, or was even my own. that's how much i love my cadbury cream eggs.

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  9. What about the crazy white girl that starting beating the girl in the McDonald's drive thru then threw a beer bottle at her for not serving chicken nuggets at 7 o'clock in the morning. It was on You Tube..I could watch that shit over and over again...PRICLESS!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Not exactly on point, but certainly another vein you may want to explore:

    http://cjonline.com/news/local/2011-02-20/police-break-brawl-chuck-e-cheeses

    ReplyDelete
  11. Is it too much to want a cup of tea and something sweet after work? Apparently my kids thought so. Packages of cookies with nary a crumb left sitting in the pantry, Entenmann's goodies robbed of their icing, Pepperridge Farm bags filled with only those white fluted papers, and every kind of unimaginable atrocity.
    One day I snapped, yes, snapped, over not having anything to have with my tea after work. Since that day no one dares to eat the last of anything sweet. I also hide shit.

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  12. Bitch-slapped over Thin Mints? You say that like it's a bad thing. A friend of mine helped me score four more boxes on Sunday. She kept four boxes for herself. I just learned today that she's in the hospital for some intestinal thingie. I'm thinking she's probably hoping I help myself to those other four boxes. You know, so they don't just sit there.

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  13. Wait, he ate three Cadbury eggs? He could have at least left one for you.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I don't know if you know about this, but there's an app for iPhone called 'Girl Scout Cookie Locator,' and it actually works. It gives you ways to contact sellers in your area. Kind of creepy, but still. Best. Invention. Ever.

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  15. This story would be crazy if it were about, say, Tagalongs or Do-si-dos. I see nothing wrong with assault over Thin Mints. NOT GUILTY.

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  16. Anonymous2:01 AM

    Really the blogging is spreading its wings rapidly. Your write up is a fine example of it.


    Web Designing

    ReplyDelete
  17. Anonymous12:32 PM

    http://new.bangordailynews.com/2011/02/28/news/police-beat/man-charged-with-snubbing-out-cigarette-on-sisters-face/

    ReplyDelete
  18. ONE MORE!!!

    http://www.shreveporttimes.com/article/20110228/NEWS01/110228007/West-Monroe-couple-booked-dispute-over-pancake-mix?odyssey=mod|mostview

    ReplyDelete
  19. This woman trashed a cupcake bakery while her children screamed and cried....all because the shop ran out of her favorite cupcake- "Sweet Tooth Fairy". She didn't even give the employees the chance to tell her that they would gladly bake her a fresh batch. Lesson learned: don't come between a woman and her tiny frosted cakes.

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1362110/Mother-smashes-cake-shop-Cardiff-ran-favourite-cupcake.html

    ReplyDelete
  20. Anonymous6:44 PM

    http://www.myfoxboston.com/dpps/news/national/chicken-patty-fight-utah-ncx-02222011_11994002

    ReplyDelete
  21. I once came to fisticuffs over some grape Kool-Aid

    ReplyDelete

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