*See? I have a heart.
My favorite sub category of that oeuvre is People Getting Into (Non-Fatal) Physical Fights Over Food.
And if I had to choose a favorite sub-sub category, it would have to be People Getting Into (Non-Fatal) Physical Fights Over Food That Costs Less Than $4.
Lucky for me, there have been not one, but two news items about this phenomenon in this month alone! They should rename February Don't Touch My Food, Bitch month. I'm sure Black History will understand.
First, in Staten Island (of course) last week, a 16 year-old kidnapped her boyfriend's daughter after he smacked her... for eating the last Hot Pocket.
And then, earlier this week, a Floridian woman threatened her roommate with scissors, hit her with a board, and then knocked her to the ground and beat her because the roommate had given a box of her Thin Mints... to the assailant's own hungry children.
Now, the Hot Pocket incident just seems silly to me, since that dude could easily have just gone to the nearest 7-Eleven. But Girl Scout cookies... those are precious. In the off-season, you'd have an easier time buying crack than getting your hands on a box of Samoas. Hersha Howard, the Thin Mint Thrasher, looks like she knows what I'm talking about:
|I feel you, girl.|
I guess I passed the sociopath test, food-based rage variety!
Do not step to my Sassy magazines, though. Then you will know pain.
UPDATE: Already, readers have sent in more recent reasons to celebrate Don't Touch My Food, Bitch month. A woman was arrested in Dorchester, Mass. last Friday for threatening to kill an employee of a party store during an argument about the difference between fondant and fondue (to clarify: fondant is that thick, pasty Play-Doh-looking stuff they slap on wedding cakes to make them look perfect and smooth; fondue is delicious melted cheese or chocolate into which you dip chunks of bread or fruit, but which necessitates a special fondue set and those little toxic-looking blue hockey puck things that you set on fire to keep your melty concoction from turning into unappetizing glue). ALSO! A man in Latvia was shot dead for eating popcorn too loudly during a screening of Black Swan. That, of course, is a fatal cheap food-related incident, which technically does not fall into the category of my--or Oprah's--Favorite Things. But seriously, that's messed up. I can kind of understand Filipinos getting upset about bad karaoke renditions of "My Way," because that song is not easy to sit through even when done well. But chewing a food product with the word "pop" in its name is going to make some noise. And Black Swan isn't worth it. There, I said it. Passionate chewing would only have improved the screening I went to. But then, I always like to hear crunching while watching overblown, hallucinatory lesbian sex scenes. I'm weird like that.
P.S. I'm live-blogging the Oscars for The Huffington Post this Sunday from 6-12 pm EST. Check back here on Sunday for a link, or become a fan of TSC on Facebook to get updates.