“There are definitely some cartoon characters I would have sex with,” my sister texted me late Sunday night.
Immediately my brain set itself to the task, trying to picture Goofy by candlelight, and maybe without pants. It seemed so... wrong. Two legs or four, orange turtleneck or no, bestiality is still bestiality in 2-D.
Then I received a follow-up text. “Like Sterling Archer. You should watch Archer.”
Ohhhhh, human cartoons, I thought, relieved. And then, less relieved--why did I assume she meant animals? What is wrong with me?
Anyway, after some admittedly brief but animated (HA!) deliberation, here is my list of Drawn People I Would Totally Do, If Transported, Cool World-like, To Toon Town:
1. Trent from Daria
Now, ordinarily, a fez and harem pants would be a deal-breaker, ladies--as would a pet monkey and a fatwa. But he's just so... dreamy. He can give me a magic carpet ride any day.
3. Boomhauer from King of The Hill
Strong, leathery, silent (or unintelligible), with a kind of middle-aged neo-McConaughey vibe, Boomhauer is a man of mystery, and understated smolder.
4. Ned Flanders from The Simpsons as Stanely Kowalski in A Streetcar Named Desire
My specificity here is admittedly creepy, but look at those pecs!
5. Stan's Dad from South Park
Didn't think it could worse than Flanders, didja? I can't really explain this one. Suffice to say the file name of the above image is "Guitar Queer-o."
6. Lumiere from Beauty and the Beast
Not human on the outside*, granted, but the most sophisticated and seductive of the bunch. ("And he's the right shape!" says Jeff. Gross, honey. Gross.)
*I would not, for the record, have sex with the human Lumiere, who is pasty and balding.
As I was finishing this post, my sister texted me her complete list:
1. Sterling Archer
2. Trent from Daria
3. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Even though Donatello was kind of a dork. And also, they were turtles. But they were so buff. Haha
4. Tie between Prince Eric and Aladdin
OMG, we are so related.
Oh, now Jeff wants to play!
1. Jessica Rabbit
2. Betty Boop, "although I never thought of her that way."
3. Jane Jetson
4. "Uhhhh....mmmmm....the Bewitched cartoon, in the opening credits of Bewitched, but not the actual actress, just the cartoon version."
5. Maid Marion (Me: "Wait, the fox version?" Jeff: "Yes." [pause] "You would totally sleep with Robin Hood. You would." [pause] "And you'd say oo-de-lally." Touché.)
I don't think I even need to ask you to chime in in the comments. Just don't get too graphic. This is a family blog. By which I mean, my mom reads it. And then sits back, staring at the screen grab of a topless Ned Flanders, wondering where she went wrong.