Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Texts From My Sister: Coitus Animatus

“There are definitely some cartoon characters I would have sex with,” my sister texted me late Sunday night.

Immediately my brain set itself to the task, trying to picture Goofy by candlelight, and maybe without pants. It seemed so... wrong. Two legs or four, orange turtleneck or no, bestiality is still bestiality in 2-D.

Then I received a follow-up text. “Like Sterling Archer. You should watch Archer.”

Ohhhhh, human cartoons, I thought, relieved. And then, less relieved--why did I assume she meant animals? What is wrong with me?

Anyway, after some admittedly brief but animated (HA!) deliberation, here is my list of Drawn People I Would Totally Do, If Transported, Cool World-like, To Toon Town:

1. Trent from Daria


2. Aladdin

Now, ordinarily, a fez and harem pants would be a deal-breaker, ladies--as would a pet monkey and a fatwa. But he's just so... dreamy. He can give me a magic carpet ride any day.

3. Boomhauer from King of The Hill  

Strong, leathery, silent (or unintelligible), with a kind of middle-aged neo-McConaughey vibe, Boomhauer is a man of mystery, and understated smolder.

4. Ned Flanders from The Simpsons as Stanely Kowalski in A Streetcar Named Desire

My specificity here is admittedly creepy, but look at those pecs!

5. Stan's Dad from South Park

Didn't think it could worse than Flanders, didja? I can't really explain this one. Suffice to say the file name of the above image is "Guitar Queer-o."

6. Lumiere from Beauty and the Beast

Not human on the outside*, granted, but the most sophisticated and seductive of the bunch. ("And he's the right shape!" says Jeff. Gross, honey. Gross.)

*I would not, for the record, have sex with the human Lumiere, who is pasty and balding.

As I was finishing this post, my sister texted me her complete list:

1. Sterling Archer
2. Trent from Daria
3. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Even though Donatello was kind of a dork. And also, they were turtles. But they were so buff. Haha
4. Tie between Prince Eric and Aladdin

OMG, we are so related.

Oh, now Jeff wants to play!

1. Jessica Rabbit
2. Betty Boop, "although I never thought of her that way."
3. Jane Jetson
4. "Uhhhh....mmmmm....the Bewitched cartoon, in the opening credits of Bewitched, but not the actual actress, just the cartoon version."
5. Maid Marion (Me: "Wait, the fox version?" Jeff: "Yes." [pause] "You would totally sleep with Robin Hood. You would." [pause] "And you'd say oo-de-lally." Touché.)

I don't think I even need to ask you to chime in in the comments. Just don't get too graphic. This is a family blog. By which I mean, my mom reads it. And then sits back, staring at the screen grab of a topless Ned Flanders, wondering where she went wrong.


  1. Xander Crews from Frisky Dingo is pretty dreamy!

  2. Jeff has great taste in drawn ladies. And in keeping with the Jetson animators, I'd also add Wilma Flintstone and Betty Rubble to the mix. At the same time.

    Also, Marge Simpson.

    And, from the big screen, Susan Murphy, the white-haired giant in "Monsters vs. Aliens." Totally, in 3-D!

  3. 1) Darien/Tuxedo Mask from Sailor Moon
    2) Jughead. Don't ask me why. It's that whole laid-back, couldn't care less about women thing. He's a challenge.
    3) Gambit from X-Men. Hottest Mutant Ever.

    And Kudos to you for Trent and Boomhauer. Both excellent choices.

  4. Anonymous9:41 AM

    How about the Native American from King of the Hill. You know...then one bangin' Boomhauer's wife.

  5. I've had some disturbing dreams involving Captain Planet in the past.Just saying.

  6. Prince Eric from the Little Mermaid. And I never knew Ned Flanders was so buff...possibly him too, if I could get past the moustache.

  7. Shame on Jeff for leaving out:

    -She-Ra Princess of Power
    Royalty, and smoking hot. Nuff said.

    -Jem and the Holograms
    Maybe it would be asking a lot to get them all at once, but hey, since we are suspending our disbelief here...

    That is all.

    P.S.: I shit you not, the text that it is asking me to write out below this comment is GONADS. Best day ever.

  8. Claudia10:39 AM

    I used to love James Bond, Jr! I thought he was the sexiest cartoon ever!

  9. Here here for Captain Planet! And I'm a little younger (22), so I totally say Arnold from "Hey Arnold!" He's just so smooth. Oh and Doug Funnie! He can bang on my trash cans any day. Haha.

  10. And here I thought I was the only one who had a thing for Trent from Daria.....*drool* ;0)

  11. Trent from Daria is #1...of course.
    The prince in Anastasia...Prince Dimitri, I believe. That's all...

  12. Prince Phillip from Sleeping Beauty. Oh and Hefty Smurf. I don't care that he's not human. He's so smurfin' manly!

  13. I always had a crush on John Smith's friend Thomas in Pocahontas (I cannot explain this, and to date I am the only person I know who feels this way). And definitely Aladdin and Prince Eric, too. Disney sure doesn't make em like they used to!

  14. I second the Xander from Frisky Dingo- which you should check out cause the guy that drew Sterling Archer did that series too.

  15. Lumiere looks very lascivious in that pic. He could burn your candle at both ends (I hate myself for that pun).

  16. At the risk of showing my age (as if that is the only potential problem with this one), Tinker from Speed Buggy....oh and maybe Johnny Bravo!

  17. What about Hercules and Garrett from Quest for Camelot? There's just something about a stubborn blind man...
    Peter Pan, Prince Adam from Beauty and the Beast, Tarzan, Milo Thatch from Atlantis, Prince Philip from Sleeping Beauty, Shang from Mulan
    And can I say Woody from Toy Story? I mean, come on...his name is Wood-y.... *snicker*
    (I love Tom Hanks)

    P.S. I thought you would love the word varification for this: migis

  18. Oh and it's ok Jackie D, I looked up Thomas and he is a cutie, especially since Christian Bale is behind the character!! Woot!

  19. I would totally do Randy Marsh (Stan's dad), too. I don't know what it is about him. He's my favorite character on that show, though.

    When I was little I used to want to marry Donald Duck. haha

  20. When I was in high school I had a recurring dream about Bluto from Popeye. Yeah. I just said that out loud. Maybe I need therapy....

  21. OOhh Thumbs up whoever mentioned Johnny Bravo.

    And yeah, Hey Arnold had that awesome laid-back thing too. Too bad he's like.. nine. Creepy.

    Ohh.. And Prince Lir from the movie The Last Unicorn - he was pretty.. ow ow!

  22. Oh and I'm kind of down with the Lumiere thing, but probably because he was voiced by Jerry Orbach (RIP) and I had a HUGE old-guy crush on Jerry Orbach.

  23. I have a pretty consistent top five list:
    Panthro (I mean, obviously!Rrrawr.)
    Ash from "Kidd Video" (My cartoon Duckie Dale)
    Lance from "Voltron" (My cartoon Steff...)
    Johnny Quest (from Real Adventures of...circa 1996...dude looks good in a mock turtle-neck.)
    Man-At-Arms (it's the mustache)

  24. Anyone remember "Fern Gully"? I had such a crush on that guy!

  25. Trent is absolutely #1! And then maybe Shaggy from Scooby Doo...but in the back of the Mystery Machine.

  26. For the record, this post comes up 3rd when you google 'human lumiere'...

  27. Oh my gosh your husband is a riot! Oo-de-laly!!! lol

    I have to agree with you about Aladdin, and add Goliath (when he got turned into a human by Puck... or not...), Bruce Wayne, and Norman from Mighty Max.

    Your poor mom.lol
    Just blame society ma'am. It's an infective thing, and quite a handy scape goat. It's what I plan to blame when my (as of yet hypothetical) children hit 13 and continue into adulthood.

  28. There is a reason men play video games as hot women. The whole 2-D oddity seems far less restrictive to the male libido.

    Just about any X-(wo)Men fits the bill for me. Jean Grey, Rogue & Storm were total hotties.

    Betty from the Flintstones and Veronica from Archie were definitely geared toward pervy boys of our parents generation!

  29. 1. Batman
    2. Zak from Fern Gully
    3. Inspector Gadget
    4. The Red M&M

    What? Don't judge me.

    Also, Jem = Lady Gaga. For reals. Google images.

  30. we're neglecting the disney afternoon here, people. i myself had legitimate crushes on both Gadget from Rescue Rangers and Magica deSpell from DuckTails.

    neither of them could ever touch Teela or Cheetara, though, cause seriously, hubba hubba, am i right?

  31. I think we all missed my FAVORITE! Betty Rubble!
    She likes short guys and I'm sure it wasn't Dino makin all that noise over the side yard.
    Fred could keep Wilma but Me and Betty....ahhh *eyes glazed, drooling*

  32. What??? I can't believe Jeff doesn't want to get his groove on with Josie and all her Pussycats!

  33. Can I just say, guilt no more over my adoration of Lumiere?? And let me add Cosmo from "Fairly Oddparents"... there is no "why?"... LOL!

  34. My Women's History class junior year in high school totally had a moment where we collectively drooled over the dude from Mulan (sorry, dunno what his name is). You got to see him sing and dance while working out at the same time. How hot is that? No real man could pull that shizz off.

    Awesome post!

  35. Ok so No.1 is definitely Jim Hawkins from Treasure Planet (turns out the character was voiced by Joseph Gordon-Levitt, this may be why i always liked him). Obviously Aladdin is up there, so is Cale from Titan A.E (voiced by Matt Damon :P ) and Tarzan and last but not least one or both of the characters from The Road to El Dorado (Tulio and Miguel). Quite a nice selection I feel

  36. Lumiere is Jerry Orbach. I'd do them both.

  37. I'm really impressed that you found so many hot cartoon men. Who knew? I would absolutely add Fred from Scooby Doo. I know. . cheesey - but I think he was like one of my first crushes when I was like five.

  38. So, first of all, I love this post, because this is something my sister and I used to do, as well. Admittedly, it was slightly more innocent, because we were little and instead of saying who we'd "do" we'd call dibs on the characters as our boyfriends, and it was not limited to cartoons. Here's my cartoon list, as best I can remember, in no particular order:

    -Bobby Bear from a cartoon called Maple Town (to my knowledge my sister and I are the only ones who have seen this cartoon, because we lived in Japan, but the series was in English). Yes, he was a bear, but when you're 3, that doesn't doesn't seem like an issue.

    -Brian and the blue haired guy from Rainbow Brite. The best of both worlds, the goody two shoes, and the bad boy.

    -Robin Hood, the fox version, Jeff is right about this one. Btw, I made my husband watch this movie because he'd never seen it (and most Disney movies). His parents are Long Island hippie types and he was deprived, so it's up to me to make sure he is caught up on all things pop culture.

    -Christopher Robin, because he was a "sensitive type," owning a stuffed teddy bear and all. In retrospect he is probably gay and/or schizophrenic.

    -Jem's boyfriend. She totally didn't appreciate him enough.

    -Gambit from X-men. Everytime he said "Cher" my heart melted. Plus, I have always had a thing for red heads...and I'm from the Gulf Coast.

    -The blonde guy from Pirates of Darkwater...he was hot, and a pirate!

    -Trent from Daria made the list much later on.

    -I don't recall ever being smitten by the typical Disney princes, but I loved Arthur from Sword in the Stone, Peter Pan (even though he was clearly a player), and the husband from 101 Dalmations, because he was a musician and had a sense of humor.

    -Demetri from Anastasia was definitely hot, too.

  39. Anonymous2:07 PM

    Any of those floppy haired, vaguely androgynous male anime characters.

  40. Flynn Rider from Tangled. I'm not even ashamed of that one. No one can resist the smolder.

    Human Shrek... and Prince Charming. Maybe simultaneously?

    Tidus from the Final Fantasy series.

    Riku from Kingdom Hearts.

  41. Umm, I've always had a thing for the fox Robin Hood. Hey, I was 5 when it started...pretty sure I thought I could turn into a fox at the time.

    Thought this post deserved the Disney prince's redrawn (sorry about the pics that may show up on the side...) my friends and I have definitely had a whole discussion after these: http://popdynamite.com/nonsense/disneys-princes-get-made-up-into-sexy-hunks/

  42. Okay, how about Sinbad from Sinbad: The Legend of the Seven Seas? Brad Pitt in cartoon form...rawr! LOL I also loved Tarzan, and Prince Edward from Enchanted. (James Marsden -- HOT!!)

    When I was a little girl, I had the HUGEST crush on Chip from the Rescue Rangers. I used to wish he was human, so I could marry him. xD

    HAHA!!! WV is 'phallut', which is pretty damn funny if you think about it! xD

  43. Well, Grounds-Keeper Willie (Simpsons) is a total double-bagger. And Bart - why does he have to stay 8? We were supposed to be together forever!

    As far as Disney - Aladin most def, but gotta give props to Gaston' from Beauty and the Beast. Sure, he was an a-hole, but he seems like he would be intense in the bedroom.

  44. Definitely Latin Buzz from Toy Story 3. Can't get any sexier than that.

  45. 1. Fox Robin Hood....totally in love with him for a long time when I was a wee lass.
    2. Spiderman....loved his sense of humor and the rescuing of MJ.

  46. Race Bannon & Dr. Quest from Johnny Quest. And/or Tarzan...

  47. Vicki5:50 PM

    I'm way late commenting, clearly, but I wanted to chip in that: A) Trent was hot like burning, and B) I once read the sweetest (!) slash story about Goofus and Gallant and totally bought it.


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