Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Pimps and Woes

As a teenager, I had pretty bad acne. It wasn't the horrible cystic kind, but it was the red, splotchy, noticeable kind that didn't seem to have any qualms about taking up residence on any free space between my hairline to the north, my jaw to the south, and my ears to the east and west. I didn't have a T-zone, I had a T-face. For those of you long-term readers who have been keeping score, yes, this means that I endured the unholy trifecta of acne, braces, and unibrow, a hellish genetic jackpot that was only exacerbated by my penchant for wearing earrings featuring miniature Troll dolls dressed like Santas.

Anyway.

I figured that since I spent more time applying salicylic acid than socializing during my formative years (I didn't so much as make it to second base until college, but I did find time to memorize the them song to Oxy's Resi-DON'T facial cleanser, a ditty I still remember to this day!), I would enjoy a zit-free adulthood as some kind of karmic door prize.

But no.

It's baaaaa-aaaaaaaack!

WTF? I've got lines around my eyes and whiteheads on my chin? Pick a side, nature! It's hard to feel like a grown-up playing paint-by numbers on your face. Should I use my concealer for my under-eye bags, my broken capillaries, or my adult acne? SO MANY CHOICES! Maybe I'm born with it, maybe it's Maybelline, maybe I need a fucking Bloody Mary and a hockey mask.

In an attempt at making light of the situation, I've taken to referring to my blemishes as "my pimps," but out of context it can confuse people.

I'd love to meet you for lunch, but I can't go outside today. My pimp won't let me.

Jeff, I can't fall asleep. My pimps are hurting me.

I guess I should count my blessings, though. At least my actual pimples aren't wearing gold chains and platform shoes, because that would really draw attention to them. You can't cover that shit with True Match.
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23 comments :

  1. You are not alone, my friend. When I was a spotty teen, I always looked forward to the day when I was grown up and would have lovely skin. Never happened. Fortunately, I found a great dermatologist who prescribed retin-a, which not only works on my pimps, but also gets rid of fine lines and sun damage. Score!

    Unfortunately, it makes my skin all dry and peel-y, so that stuff has become my best friend and my worst enemy. Also, even though it's better than it was, I still get the big zits--sometimes in places I never got them before. Go figure.

    When I start to feel really bad about myself, I just google "Cameron Diaz hi resolution" and it makes me feel better. She's got bad skin too, and people still find her beautiful. It's aaaaall about the makeup (and the photoshop).

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  2. I hear ya, sister! I've never had too much trouble with acne, but several pimps have taken up residence on my chin. Ugh! Not fun!

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  3. Try a dairy free diet. It may help.

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  4. One word - Dermalogica. Ok, that was 3 words.

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  5. Sassy, I'm lying on my sofa reading your blog, with a dog nestled behind me using my rump as a pillow, and Queen helene's mint green anti-acne mask slathered across my face (it helps, slightly), so you are not alone.
    TB, good suggestion about Cameron Diaz.
    And btw, I find both of you ladies beautiful (sorry Chi-town Southerner, I haven't seen your pic!)

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  6. When I was in middle school the lunch lady asked me if I'd just gotten over the chicken pox....it was just really bad acne. Just thank your lucky stars you didn't also have dandruff, big ears, and a big nose with a crook in it. Talk about cruel genetics...

    P.S. At least your pretty and not the least bit fat.

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  7. Strange, my acne has just gotten way worse than it has EVER been (I'm almost 24). Maybe it's a worldwide epidemic.

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  8. Glad I'm not the only one. I had the acne, frizzy hair and uneven teeth, 'cos my parents couldn't afford the braces. Genetically doomed. I still get breakouts every so often (once a month).

    Thanks for making me laugh about it though :)

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  9. I didn't get acne until I was an adult in my early twenties so that was a bitch! Six years and a million products later, I took Claravis (generic Accutane). I was hesitant to take it, but sick of having acne and scars on my face from previous all-night pop/pick sessions. It wasn't fun being taking 'Tane, but it did it's job and I'm finally clear. So, I'd recommend it if you can't find anything else that works.

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  10. Hey Sassy, at least you don't have whiskas coming from those pimps! See, now do you feel lucky?? FYI to you and hubby...don't touch, rub, fondle or caress your chin...it's second nature to do that with pimps. And as with all pimps, avoiding them altogether takes away their $$$ source (dries them out) and they will go away. :)

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  11. What, no picture? Just kidding.

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  12. maybe it's maybellene hahahaha. I had acne too in high school solved by a year-long stint on accutane even when all the warnings came out. "You're taking accutane...are you depressed?"
    "Of course I'm depressed. I'm taking a pill everyday because my acne is so bad."

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  13. I feel your pain! My acne stint was in middle school though it seems to be back this month. Thank goodness it cleared up before high school or I wouldn't have survived. With frizzy hair, braces and the inability to figure out how to wear makeup the acne would have just tipped the scales! lol

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  14. A-to-the-Men. Except I had awesome skin as a teenage, super uber flawless. And then suddently at 23 my body decided that my skin should experiance the puberty it never had. Nothing I did, even including buying my uber expensive Clarisonic worked. ( I never did tell my husband exactly how much my fancy face brush cost)

    I don't know why I waited 3 years to go to a derm, I guess I was afraid but that beautiful bastard gave me two prescriptions that had my face clear in two weeks! wtf was wrong with me for waiting so long? Pimples are fun to pop and all, but I'd rather not have them.

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  15. Anonymous1:49 PM

    glad to know I'm not the only one just now getting acne at age 23.. I had great skin in middle school when no one would've noticed but now that I'm a grown up and everyone else's skin seems to have gotten past it, now I have acne?! wtf?! also anyone know how much a visit to a dermatologist would cost without insurance?

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  16. Word. Mine cleared up a bit when I was on the pill but when I went off to try to conceive, it came back full force. It does look jacked up next to the broken capillary on my cheek.

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  17. I feel your pain, sorta. But I've get the cyst type next to or under my black heads that itch like crazy and those pimples inside the ear! Ack! I feel like my mother lied to me when she said: 'Don't worry honey you're skin will clear up after you turn 20 or so.' Lies!

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  18. Tiny-pants SR.8:09 PM

    You don't have adult acne! Perhaps your hormones are just out of wack....

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  19. Nancy8:59 PM

    At least you didn't have the trifecta of glasses, braces, and behind the ear hearing aids from 4th to 8th grade when the braces came off and I got contacts.

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  20. I battled with that crap since I was a young pup, and still to this day. They are sporadic, but come on, at 34 years old and still getting pimples? It's not even socially acceptable for a guy.

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  21. i didn't even have acne as a teen. i would get maybe one pimple a month around that special time. once i turned 22, BAM acne was all up on that bitch. i agree that it's completely unfair of nature to give us acne AND wrinkles at the same time. i had a grace period from like 24-26 where it wasn't as bad, but it's come back with a vengeance and migrated. fuck growing up.

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  22. Call my mom. She'll be more than happy to plop you down next to the window and pop the hell out of those pimps.

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  23. It seems now would be a good time to get some coke bottle lens glasses!

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