Tuesday, February 15, 2011

In Which I Respond Sarcastically To Spam Because I Have Nothing Better To Do

From: JENNIFER MOORE [mailto:machsssa@aim.com]
Sent: Tuesday, February 15, 2011 2:43 PM
Subject: URGENT.

My Dear Friend,

My name is jennifer moore, who is diagnosed with oesophageal cancer. To cut the long story short, I have few hours left to live, depending on my surgery which will take place soon. Although I am rich, but it doesn’t matter anymore.
I want God to be merciful to me and accept my soul and so with that reason I decided to give what I have to charity and I never had children. I want this to be one of the last good deed on earth. I now give you the authority to dispatch my last funds to any charity of your choice.
I have Six million dollars in a financial institution. I want you to keep fifty percent of this amount for yourself and time, while you keep the other fifty percent to any charity of your choice. May God be with you as you carry out this task.I believe with this,
I can now be free to depart peacefully. You can then contact my lawyer who will assist you in getting the funds to you when I pass. He would give you more details. His name is Richard Wetton, and his email address ( richwetton@aol.co.uk ) He would guide you through receiving the funds.
Lot of Love
jennifer moore


My dear Jennifer,

You poor thing! I can't believe you're using your last hour to live writing emails to strangers. And call me nitpicky, but you could have at least entered paragraph breaks, since this is the last correspondence you'll ever write. Also, I'm concerned that you capitalize My Dear Friend but leave your own name in lower case. This indicates poor self-esteem. Oh, Jennifer, don't be sad that you never had children. If you had, you would have spent most of your riches on dolls that wet themselves. Be happy that you were able to spend all that money on yourself--even if it doesn't appear you used it for any books on basic sentence structure. But there I go again, judging you, when I should just be thankful that you have chosen ME, a complete stranger, as the beneficiary of your wealth.

Speaking of which, are you sure you want to trust a lawyer who still uses AOL? I know it's charmingly retro now, like taking old-timey photos with an iPhone, but six million dollars is a lot of money to entrust to someone who still relies on dial-up internet. Nevertheless I will email this Mr. Wetton tout de suite and instruct him to funnel that three mil over to a group I know who are providing smart phones to all surviving Munchkins from The Wizard of Oz. As for the rest, I plan to invest it entirely in pluots. They're having a moment.

Kisses, and good luck with the surgery!

Una
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15 comments :

  1. Hilarious! Does it seem there has been an over abundance of spam lately?

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  2. I've always wanted to do that. Please tell me that you actually sent that response!

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  3. I would never hire a lawyer who still uses a modem from 1996. Definitely not a good business practice.

    I also wonder about her name in lowercase. Maybe it's an artistic statement?

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  4. I wonder if she knows the prince who keeps emailing me...

    I am concerned that this scam is still around and evolving. It means it must work. Sigh.

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  5. I love the ones from a poor African state where all their money is tied up but could be miraculously freed if I wire $10k to some offshore account.

    And yes, you must follow up if you get any response...

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  6. AH ha ha ha ha ha ha HA HA HA HA HA!! Some African princess (do those even exist?) really want to give me her money too.

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  7. Sounds familiarly pathetic...

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  8. una, ME lisa. COULD USE A FEW BUCKS.

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  9. Is that any way to talk to a dying woman? ;)

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  10. You know, as I was sitting here at 5 in the morning, watching retro Spiderman with my vomiting 4-year-old (on a brief vomiting hiatus) while the baby screamed her head off and my groggy husband attempted to console her with a cup of milk, I thought "There is nothing that could make this okay."

    And then I read this post. And? It DID! Thank you, Una, for making lemonade out of screaming vomit poop.

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  11. Can you actually still use aol? Maybe I'll get an account. In a cool, throw back retro kind of way. .

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  12. How do you keep something TO someone?

    Do you think she meant keep 50% FROM the charity of your choice? Like maybe you should taunt them and be all, "I got this money, but you can't have it, motherfuckin' habitat for humanity 'n shit... BOOYAH!"

    Jennifer, you will be missed.

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  13. Very funny.

    I actually live 40 min away from Wamego, KS. It home to the actual surviving "Munchkins" (I think there are two?)and the annual "Oz Fest," which they attend (not involving the Osbournes), should you need someone to transport this 3 million...or buy the iphones. I just hope they are through Verizon or those little Lollipop kids will be out of luck, much like Jennifer.

    Interesting Wizard of Oz fact: The dog in the film was paid more than the Munchkins, because the Munchkins were all part of a group/circus run by a man who did not properly disperse the wages they made for being in the film.

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