Monday, February 14, 2011

I'm With Cupid

Well, it's Valentine's Day.

In 2006, I was incredibly earnest about it.
In 2007, I was succinct.
In 2008, I let Jeff do the talking.
In 2009, I farted at an inopportune moment.
In 2010, we celebrated with photobooths and Tater Tots.

I think I've run out of angles, you guys.

Also, part of me feels like, why even bother with a Valentine's Day post? If you're single you don't need another reminder that today is the day that Cupid shits little hearts over everything, causing lovers to swoon, doves to coo, and restaurants to jack up their prices by 50% just for adding a glass of mediocre champagne to their prix fixe. If you're in a happy relationship, you've probably already gotten laid today (or at least eaten your weight in chocolate, which is almost the same thing, at least to your brain), and if you're in an unhappy relationship you're dreading whatever forced attempt at canned romance awaits you tonight, and wondering how many cocktails you can imbibe without getting drunk enough to loudly accuse your mate of not wanting children in front of the entire T.G.I. Friday's staff.

Besides, everyone knows that romance doesn't happen on command, just because some Roman priest got martyred over 1700 years ago, Chaucer took some creative liberties in a poem about birds, and Hallmark got so excited it had to hold its books over its pants.

Yesterday, for instance, on February 13, I spent most of the day in bed, blowing snot into paper towels, getting crumbs in our sheets and avoiding dealing with the recycling, and when I finally dressed myself in a sexy ensemble consisting of a boys' size M sweatshirt and white leggings, Jeff serenaded me with a song, "My Little Camel-Toe," sung to the tune of "My Little Buttercup" from The Three Amigos.

Like that Kodak commercial sang so soulfully, these are the moments, y'all.


  1. And after you've been married more that HALF YOUR LIFE, dammit, all you really want for VD is a nap.

  2. Whenever someone abbreviates today as VD, I think of venereal disease, which is oddly appropriate considering

  3. @sarcasminaction. That's why I make it a point to abbreviate it to VD.

    Happy day before Canadian Flag Day all!

  4. "My Little Camel-Toe"?

    Jeff might just be this generation's Weird Al.

    I'll let you know if and when I figure out whether that is a compliment or an insult.

  5. there definitely comes a point in a relationship where valentine's day doesn't really matter anymore. last v-day present awesome husband got me was a cd. like six years ago.

    and i don't care.

  6. I've always called it VD, but kids these days don't know VD. They know STD which could stand for "Snarky Too Day," but it doesn't.

  7. Haha the three amigos...
    I wonder how they'll be celebrating together...

  8. I was so pathetic at one point, (in my 30's!) that on Valentines Day 1990 I read Shakespeare sonnets to my Golden Retriever while sobbing about lost love...ah but it's a new decade and I've been married three times since then, ( i know, bad. but it wasn't me...:) with lots of Valentines Days celebrated in between. My marriage now is the keeper...also the most romantic...and we hardly ever acknowledge VD, er, Valentine's Day! I do like those crazy sugar hearts though...<3

  9. Anonymous4:34 PM

    I misted up in Rite-Aid reading valentine's day cards... hormones need to get under control.

  10. I was presented with a huge box of Russel Stover chocolates. YES! I ate all of them except for the freaky pink and orange ones, which my husband can totally have. When I was single I just hung out with friends and drank margaritas, and really, that seemed pretty swell. V-day is lame, so use it to drink and eat bad chocolate.

  11. Valentine's Day still matters! We have standing 7:30 dinner reservation, each year at IHOP!

  12. Anonymous10:57 AM

    I realized yesterday morning that I had forgotten to buy a card or present for my husband of 20+ years (knowing that he would at least have bought a card and made a dinner reservation). I didn't have time to go shopping, but then I realized the internet could save me. I googled "animals kissing," stole 12 impossibly cute photos, titled them alliteratively (amorous anteaters; puckering puffins, etc.) and then e-mailed one to him every hour until midnight. He loved it. Thank you google.

  13. I love that scene in the three amigos. Especially when they make one of the mexicans drinking in the bar join in "eh-smile, eh-smile!" Comedic genius.

  14. My favorite Valentine's Day moment yesterday was when I read your post title. It's the perfect pun! You should trademark it.

  15. Jeff should put that song on Youtube!


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