Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Why Sister Zoe Can't Have A Blog: "I love burritos at 4 a.m., parties that never end, pills that kill cats... and, and twins."


Disclaimer: Family, proceed with caution. If you decide to read this, and ever mention some of things I am going to write, I will pretend I have no idea what you’re talking about. Also, everyone, I guess I have to tell you not to let your 7 year old read this, that seems pretty obvious, but some people get all up in a tizzy about their kids accidentally reading x-rated blog posts.

I am often asked at family gatherings why I don’t have a blog. I say that I don’t feel like I have important enough things to blog about blah blah, or I wouldn’t know what to say blah blah…

I am not great at translating my everyday life into blog form. I am 24. Do you remember 24? Are you 24? It isn't interesting. It is mind numbing and awful. I'm sure its great for some people- people who are abroad, teaching English or building houses or some shit, if you like that sort of thing. Or maybe for Brooklyn hipsters who are throwing shows in basements, and writing zines and all that shit (By the way, I do not like to even say zines. I am emphasizing the doucheyness of these 20-somethings. You refer to yourself as a zinester? Consensus: sorry, you are a tool-bag).

The rest of us are unemployed or working at jobs we hate. See? We’re also quite self-pitying. Even writing this is starting to depress me. I start to feel like an angsty 14-year-old girl listening to Evanescence while writing on her Xanga journal. Christ. I’ve tried to start my own blogs before. I have tried a few times. I don’t want to spin my common everyday life into a witty and cynical already been done "secret diary of a insert something clever”-type blog. I am perhaps TOO curmudgeonly to have a blog.

Sigh.

OK, those are some of the reasons…but they’re bad excuses. I have spent hours reading the most boring and mundane shit about people’s lives; it’s entertaining even if they are so-so writers. I DO want to read about your fight with the cashier at Petco, or even if I don’t, I’ll probably still read it. Just like how I looked through your Facebook album of 178 photos from your 2006 trip to Japan (I’m talking to you, co-worker of my cousin who I met once at a BBQ in 2003).

*I would like to warn you now, that this post is going to be excessively long.

I’ve already had 3 diet cokes today, and I ate a handful of gummy vitamins for breakfast. Perhaps this is why I am prone to tangents. Aspartame is a food group, right?

The truth is that 24, while painful, is amusingly so at times, and doesn’t make for bad writing material. Here is the MAIN reason why I am a failure blogger:

Other than my possible caffeine induced ADHD, it is important to me to be honest and genuine. I like talking about all the nitty gritty stuff, but I also like to be on speaking terms with my family and friends. I am not saying that Una’s blog and similar (but obviously inferior) blogs aren’t honest and genuine. I know for a fact that Una’s blog is the real deal, guys. She really did fall into a depression over Billy and Alison’s break-up. Also she wants to eat black people.

But at this period in my life, also referred to as hellish limbo, honesty would require me to have an alias. I would have to. In addition to exposing the intimate secrets of the people I love, I would also at times come across like a pill popping, whiskey loving, hooker with heaps of emotional baggage and no job. But then again, who hasn’t done a line of coke off a stripper’s ass for twenty bucks? Am I right?

*Omg, I’m totally kidding. I spend most of my time crying and watching reruns of Dawson’s Creek.

But anyway, here are some examples of the tamer things I would write about that I wouldn’t want my family to read:

  • How I am afraid to get a kitten because I am constantly dropping various prescription medications on the floor (Seriously. Sometimes I look for loose Xanax in my floorboards).
  • How my breasts have grown 3 times their size over the past year. I am obsessed with this. It is inexplicable. I tried to make a guest video blog for Una while she was in Italy, but I was drunk and I just talked about my boobs the whole time. I still think she should post it. Ok, I wasn't even that drunk at all. I just can't stop looking at them.
  • How I'm pretty sure the last guy I slept with was a serial killer. To go any further into the reasoning behind this theory would require me to have an alias (Sorry guys, I know you were psyched to hear about my creepy sexual escapades).
  • The dangers of fucking on a bar pool table without first checking for surveillance cameras (Oh yes, I said it. I’m talking to you miss anonymous blog reader.)
  • The dangers of twins. Just in general. That’s all I’m gonna say on that.
  • How you shouldn't sleep with anyone before asking them what they do for a living. "Straightboysjerkoff.com" is not something you want to hear on the first morning of a new year (Dad, if you are unfortunately reading this, I want to clarify that that was not THIS year. I didn’t bring a porn-star to your apartment. To the best of my knowledge).

Ack, that last one was tough to admit.

My dad’s e-mails end with a link that says "Check out my daughter Una's blog!” I don't think he would want to link people to accounts of my night with Patrick Bateman.

In reality I do not lead a very wild life. I just like to talk about those things more than the activities that take up the majority of my days, like for example eating 7 bowls of cereal while reading celebrity baby blogs. If you want to hear about the time I hooked up with Gordon’s son Miles (from Sesame Street, jealous? WOOP WOOP) you’ll have to come up with an alias for me.

For now I'm going to go take a Xanax and watch Law and Order SVU while reading about Matilda Ledger’s birthday party.

P.S.- I also hooked up with a character from “Hey Arnold”- maybe I’ll marry Dora the Explorer’s backpack. I think that’s actually a woman though. Hit me up, Yo Gabba Gabba cast, you guys seem like you’d be up for some freaky shit.
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33 comments :

  1. Please blog. I can't really remember what it was like to be 24--I know I had fun, and there are whole weeks missing--but now, my son is 24. $hit I'm old. Please hold a mirror up to my mouth and see if I'm still breathing.

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  2. And FIRST, b*tch, if you kids still do that.

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  3. "similar (but obviously inferior) blogs" True True Zoe.

    But I have to tell you that if "a pill popping, whiskey loving, hooker with heaps of emotional baggage and no job" is true, an alias would not only be worth the effort but might just make the whole damn thing worth it!

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  4. this is just so wrong. love it. (hi, zoe!)

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  5. You ABSOLUTELY need to blog! I say do it anonymously...that's how I blog or else I would have no friends and my family surely would disown me.

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  6. I consider myself a fairly intelligent person and in doing so am concerned why I don't follow your logic about not being able to have a blog. I lapped this shit up. I could not tear my eyes away from the screen and my COFFEE IS READY AND I HAVEN'T HAD ANY YET but still, I could not stop reading.

    Twins are sketchy.

    So jealous of your Sesame Street related tryst.

    I do have pets as I'm pretty good with my prescriptions...although my cats are total bitches and could maybe use a hit of my Cipralex.

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  7. Yeah see I'd find it hard to hang out with a woman more obsessed with her boobs than me... I'd struggle with the competition.

    I once slept with a girl who was the niece-in-law of a very famous (in Britain late 70's) presenter of Play School. I found that VERY exciting. Maybe not quite as impressive as Sesame Street connections but hey ho.

    I'm not sure about back pack, he seems a bit of a player to me - i reckon he'd leave you heart broken. That's my opinion anyway - you don't have to listen - make your own mistakes Una's Sister!

    By the way I have my own pool table** if you fancy a game?

    ** actually I don't but I could probably make one out of egg boxes by the time you fly here.

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  8. HAHAHAHA yes yes yes! im a 24 yr old and that whole hipster /building houses bullshit.... i know people like this.... i don't like them! but ive somehow found a way to write a blog without doing any of that shit! although i would love to go somewhere and teach english! i mean like to china where everyone else goes to teach english! and i was going to move to new york cuz i figured being 24 there was more interesting then being 24 in toronto.... i had a bubble... you popped it!

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  9. I think what you meant to say was "why sister Zoe HAS to have a blog."

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  10. Bahahah oh seriouly loved this one UNA - we must forge together and come up with an Alias your sis rocks my socks :+)

    XO

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  11. Anonymous10:27 AM

    this. is. awesome.

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  12. Hey, I just saw a preview for Law & Order: UK. You can add it to your line up. I for one, am excited by this development.

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  13. So that's what they mean when they say quarter-life crisis.

    I finally get it.

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  14. I dont know how, but I've never read your blog before until today and I have to say you are HILARIOUS! I'm 24 as well and would love to write about all my crazy adventures but know that my family and conservative friends who read my blog would FREAK if they knew about that one time I paid $70 to have a male stripper give me a lap dance on stage or the time I woke up with scratch marks all over my body from a one night hook-up. I adore you.

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  15. You had me at Xanax and SVU. Please blog.

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  16. I'm totally jealous of your encounter with Gordon's son Miles. Gordon was a fine lookin' man himself!

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  17. I haven't been 24 in several (okay, jesus, like 15 years) but I loved the eating seven bowls of cereal part of it. Cereal is wonderful and you should treasure this time. . .

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  18. I started my blog anonymously, and I still write under a pseudonym. For some reason--probably pride, let's just face it--I decided to link a post on FB one day, and I've been doing it ever since. Therefore, I have no idea why I'm still anonymous on blogger. It makes no sense. And it's a pain in the butt. Not only because I have to keep up this ridiculous business of pseudonyms, but also because I can't complain about family and friends or post stuff about my sex life.

    My point being, if you do decide to blog anonymously, make sure you don't break down and change your mind one day, because it sucks. You get the worst of both worlds. :-/

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  19. Where you drunk when you wrote this? If so I say blog drunk. Why not gotta have your niche. 24 and drunk. posted by the anti-douche nozzle.

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  20. This was a great post! You should come up with an alias and let us all know when you do. I would love to hear about all of these situations you just mentioned!

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  21. Anonymous6:12 PM

    being 24 is exactly why you SHOULD blog! so i know i'm not the only 24year old out there doing the exact same shit lol. ps: i totally had a xanga (and a multitude of others) too. you're not alone!

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  22. Sister Zoe9:35 PM

    Cynicalbuddha- NO I was not drunk when I wrote this! Geez. This is just what I'm like sober. I wonder what it would be like if I guest blogged drunk.

    Anonymous...I never actually had a xanga or listened to evanescence, but I won't judge you...I had a Dawsons Creek screensaver that played the theme song.

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  23. Anonymous9:58 PM

    If you DO f a bar tender on a pool table while surveillance cameras are running- for God sakes wear a wig or something!

    That way you can go back

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  24. I'm pretty sure your alias should just be "failias". Problem solved. Now please write a regular blog so that I can commiserate with you on a deeper level.

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  25. i would read the fuck out of your blog. i'm 30 and most of my blogging has to do with being crazy and depressed and eating pills and yelling at my cats and drinking and being crazy and eating pills.

    and sometimes going to disney or something ballin' like that.

    BUT sometimes i wish i had an anonymous blog because then i could bitch about WHATEVER i want without having to worry about like some people getting all offended or pissy or what not.

    so you should totes anonyblog. we won't tell anyone it's you.

    ps. zomg i love dawson's creek. but i can't watch it now that katie holmes married that fuckwad. everytime joey comes on screen i throw up a little in my mouth.

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  26. If your sister ever had a blog I would totally stalk...er... I mean, follow it.

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  27. Damn barstool! I knew it.

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  28. Oh crap...you said "bar pool table" ...never mind. Wasn't me.

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  29. ZOE SHOULD BLOG. THAT IS ALL. THE END. (And yeah I had to shout it.)

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  30. I think the consensus is that Zoe should definitely blog. Sometimes I wish I had started blogging anonymously because now all my family and in laws read my blog and I can't really talk sh*t about them now. *sigh*

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  31. Too bad that if Zoe DOES blog now, she can't pimp out her alias...cause, you know, then it wouldn't be an alias.


    Too good. Too good.

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  32. Yes...you do need to blog! I'm one of those bloggers that blog about my life. Sometimes boring I admit. I really enjoyed your blog. You have a knack for it. Give it a shot. I do understand not wanting to write about family issues and my husband has gotten used to it. One time left an "I'm sorry" comment.

    Again...your blog was fun to read...thanks! If you're interested in half marathon training, check out my blog...I'm posting weekly on my training...that and other stuff I come up with.

    http://chattyc.blogspot.com/

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  33. That was highly entertaining and, being a fellow 24 yr old myself, not far from the reality I live...I commend you for having the balls to write what you did.
    Please blog. We need more people like you in our lives.

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