Monday, January 24, 2011

Wherefore Art Thou, Jeggings?

First, it was the harem pants.

Then, it was the romper.

Now, I own jeggings.

(Well, actually, they're not really jeggings. They're imitation jeggings. Which is probably worse. They don't have pockets or a faux fly; they're just ill-fitting denim leggings. I think they're ill-fitting because whoever designed them neglected to decide which was the ass and which was the front, so as a result there is no room for ass on either side, which must be especially troubling for those blessed with FUPAs.)

Anyway.

Jeff made me get them. We were using our his-and-hers DSW gift cards from Santa (black ballet flats for me, brown dress shoes for him--I know you care) and were waiting in line at the checkout when Jeff spotted the jeggings. "You must buy these," he said, thrusting them into my bag. I acquiesced only because I had another $15 on my gift card, and was feeling daring.

They did not look good. (If you're thinking, "Photo or it didn't happen!" then I will claim it did not happen.) I wasn't surprised. Jeggings are just leggings pretending to be pants. Anyone who does not look good in leggings will not look good in jeggings.

The scary thing is that jeggings are everywhere. They can cost more than $100. Which got me thinking, when and where will we draw the line?

Since I was recently gifted with a Project Runway fashion sketch pad, I decided to try to visualize the coming Japocalypse:


My friend Margaret pointed out that it will probably come full circle eventually with Jjeans. Let's just hope I'm dead by then.

P.S. If you look awesome in jeggings, more power to you. Buy 700 pairs and wear them all day long! I don't hate the player (jeggings), I just hate the game (skin-tight pants of any kind). And I only hate them because they don't look good on me.
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28 comments :

  1. You had me at 'vaginal prolapse'...

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  2. Is it wrong to laugh at vaginal prolapse?

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  3. I can't even handle jeggings. The only women who can even remotely rock them are 6' 1'' and weigh approximately ninety pounds. Ugh. That didn't stop my grandmother, however, for buying me TWO pairs for Christmas. Then I was forced to try them on. Pictures were taken, jokes were made, tears were cried... The boyfriend insisted on trying them on, too... You know, your basic Christmas festivities. At least it made for a good story? Ha.

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  4. I humbly acknowledge that I am one of the few people on the planet who have given thanks to the fashion industry for "jeggings". Fitting squarely into the "apple" category of body-shape, jeggings do more for me than any bell-bottomed, low rise, boot-cut denim ever has. I have petitioned Charlotte Russe herself to keep jeggings in style for as long as possible. The 21 year old fashion FINALLY works for me! Only 12 years late! Next? Emo glasses!

    All this said, if you ever catch me in "jwetpants" you should also probably stock up on toilet paper and canned goods because the apocalypse is nigh.

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  5. I was staunchly anti-jegging until I accidentally ordered a pair offline (they were masquerading as skinny jeans) & was too lazy to send them back. Also, I totally owned some jolottes AND jargo jorts back in the day but I am seeking jhelter if they never come back around.

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  6. DYING....my suite mate probably thinks I'm nuts for laughing so hard.

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  7. I am actually a big fan of jeggings, and I own one pair from American Eagle. They look more like skinny jeans than leggings--which is why I like them so much.

    I was never able to wear skinny jeans without them cutting off my circulation at the knees, because apparently I have really fat knees/calves (thank you, fashion industry, for pointing this out). They looked good in the store, but then when I got home and curled up on the couch, my legs would start to ache and tingle until I relented and put on sweat pants.

    Enter: jeggings. Finally someone was smart enough to figure out that if they made skinny jeans stretchier, they would appeal to a larger demographic. They are super-comfy and fit perfectly into my knee-high boots without bunching up at the bottom. They also look pretty cute with heels or flats. Granted, I am tall, but I also have fat legs (apparently), so I'm proof that they can work for other body types than super-skinny. Either that, or I'm fooling myself and I look like an idiot. Which is entirely possible.

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  8. Pajama Jeans exist already

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFoGg_aJYkM&feature=youtube_gdata_player

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  9. Oh, Jean, I know, honey: http://volcanicensemble.blogspot.com/2010/02/pajama-jeans-there-is-god.html

    And also, quick note to everyone who loves jeggings: I am not hating on you! (See my addendum in italics at the end of the post).

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  10. I suggest legging jeans of the Gap variety, which are totally different from pretend pants. They actually ARE jeans, and look like it, they're just really stretchy. You can't go wrong with that.

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  11. I was going to write something about Buttless Japs, but then I wasn't sure if people would know what I meant.

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  12. just say no.

    Jeggins were invented by a spurned man, desperate to humiliate the women he cold never get.

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  13. I wear leggings in the winter because they're SO MUCH WARMER than jeans or work pants. So I think jeggings would defeat that purpose.

    Also - who wants denim that tight around their lady bits?

    Not me.

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  14. I think jeggings are actually a huge joke. Because I have a 3 year old, and most of her pants are basically leggings/jeggings. I think some clothing designer with a kid was all "I wish my pants could be this stretchy and comfy." And someone was like "why the hell not!" and then tricked everyone into thinking jeggings were proper for adults. They are NOT. They are just wrong wrong wrong wrong. But maybe I'm just bitter because I know they would look awful on me? And I would like to experience life in ALL stretch clothing?

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  15. okay, i'm sorry but there are different varieties of jeggings. like, some are actually like superstrechy denimish material and look like sweet skinny jeans. some look like leggings that are denim-colored and have seams drawn on.

    figure it out.

    ALSO. was at universal studios over the weekend and saw someone wearing actual pajama jeans. no matter how many times they say on the commercial 'fits any size, we have a pajama jean for you', they lie. they do not fit every size.

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  16. I saw a quote in the mall the other day and it feels appropriate now.
    "Your skinny jeans don't want to be your stretchy jeans." Actually I'm not sure if it goes. I can't do leggings, I'm like 5'2 and need to lose weight, I feel like anything tight just points out where exactly I need to lose the weight.

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  17. Did you see Conan O'Brien wear jeggings one night on his show? Here's a video clip of it if you did not. http://www.tbs.com/video/conan.jsp?oid=236642

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  18. Love this post! haha, your sketches are hilarious. The Juxedo had me in stitches. Maybe if you put snaps in the crotch of it the model can use the bathroom easier :P

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  19. You heard of pajama jeans? They are skin tight pajama material that is colored to look like jeans. They are nothing short of ridiculous.

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  20. At some point in the mid-90s, a pair of my Jnco jeans tore and I refused to throw them away so I cut them off to about the knee and wore them around my parents' house.

    Moral of the story being: I already ROCKED the julottes.

    (My sincerest thanks for making me relive THAT memory!)

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  21. Oh Sassy, your sketches are fantastic!!! I see another career on the horizon for you.

    P.S. I had to look up FUPA. Never knew "that" had an actual name! Ha!

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  22. Leggings are not pants, and NEITHER ARE JEGGINGS!!!!

    WEAR PANTS PEOPLE!!!!!!!

    Unless you are wearing a skirt or dress, then it is appropriate to don leggings.
    (Jeggings are just wrong on all fronts. And backs.)

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  23. I bought a pair at Target. They literally changed my life... I wear them always! I highly suggest making a quick trip there and trying on a pair. They have a HUGE selection!

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  24. Dude! You are a talented drawer. Furreals.

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  25. I lol'd at your captions...especially the vaginal prolapse one :)

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  26. i thought jeggings were awful, until i found out 2 days ago that they also make maternity jeggings - tell me, who will look good in those?

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  27. I'm still jlaughing! JOL

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  28. I'm pretty sure I saw a girl wearing Lindsay Lohan leggings on the bus a while back. Not totally related, but sort of related to your story?

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