Yesterday was a historic day.
Yesterday I received an email--from a reader named Gloria, from Texas--asking me if I wanted to buy Girl Scout cookies from her daughter.
I guess it's finally time to reveal that this blog was created not as a writing tool, nor as a forum in which to air my Liz Lemon-esque humiliations, inexplicable obsessions or medical mysteries. No, this blog has been a long, high-fructose con aimed at getting someone--anyone!--to provide me with that sweet Samoa fix.
You might remember that around this time last year, I devoted an entire post to how Girl Scout cookies are harder to find than Waldo in a candy cane factory that also makes knit caps:
This seems really inappropriate to do on the blog, but I’m desperate, guys. I need a fix. The good stuff. You know what I’m talking about. I feel like I haven’t had any in forever.
The thing is I don’t know anyone who’s selling. I will buy in bulk, I swear, I just need a hook-up. I’ll put it in my freezer so it’ll keep. I’ll let you have some. Just give me a number, for the love of Christ. I won’t say it was you who sent me.
Do I have to spell it out for you? I NEED SOME FUCKING TAGALONGS, okay?. Thin Mints, Samoas, Do-Si-Dos, whatever you’ve got, man. I’ll even take Trefoils, the schwag of the Girl Scout Cookie catalog. I’m like Cookie Monster on the Master Cleanse right now; it’s not pretty.
Seriously, though, why are Girl Scout cookies harder to procure than illegal drugs? There is something wrong with that lesson. If I sent you on a scavenger hunt right now with a list that included a quart of unpasteurized raw milk, an ounce of marijuana, an eight-ball of cocaine, a whole roasted goat, and a box of Thin Mints, guess which item would be the biggest bitch to find? That is not right, y’all.
The main reason for this, of course, is that Girl Scouts are forbidden from selling cookies online. I’m not really sure why this is—I can only guess it's to even the playing field, in case some girls don’t have reliable access to the Internet—but it seems pretty archaic. Explain to me how forcing pre-teens in short pleated skirts to walk the streets soliciting strangers is character-building? If you go to the Girl Scouts of America website, they explain that "Girl Scouts of the USA does not currently allow online sales, but its cookie site can help you locate girls selling in your community." Yes, that's right. ANYONE can log onto this site to FIND YOUNG GIRLS. Seriously, does this not seem wrong to anyone else?
The whole experience of trolling for cookies makes me feel like a pedophile. I find myself breathlessly Tweeting sentences that are probably on government Megan's Law watch lists: “Anyone know any Girl Scouts? I NEED one. Anywhere in the country. I’ll pay anything!!!!” I stare a little too long at kids on the street, searching their outfits for tell-tale flashes of green. They’re the world’s tiniest dealers, and they’re harder to find than Obama's real Kenyan birth certificate.
For real, check out this chart I made:
ONE OF THESE THINGS IS NOT
LIKE THE OTHER:
LIKE THE OTHER:
A COMPARATIVE ANALYSIS
There is nothing not illegal that's harder to get than a box of Girl Scout cookies when you are a childless person. In fact, I could probably buy a baby on the black market faster than I could get my hot little hands on a box of Girl Scout goodness.
Stay tuned for updates; if I get the baby first, I'm naming it Samoa.
I didn't even try to act cool when I got Gloria's email. Within five seconds I was frothing at the mouth, typing in all caps. It was like a Kanye West tweet.
YEESSSSSS!!!!!!! I LOVE COOKIES!!!!! WHERE CAN I SEND YOU A CHECK, OR, WAIT, DO YOU ACCEPT PARTIALLY USED DSW GIFT CARDS???????
This is the best thing that has ever happened to me.