Thursday, January 13, 2011

Troop! (There It Is)*

*I know it's reaching, but dammit, I'm going for it. Tag Team, gone but not forgotten.

Yesterday was a historic day.

Yesterday I received an email--from a reader named Gloria, from Texas--asking me if I wanted to buy Girl Scout cookies from her daughter.

I guess it's finally time to reveal that this blog was created not as a writing tool, nor as a forum in which to air my Liz Lemon-esque humiliations, inexplicable obsessions or medical mysteries. No, this blog has been a long, high-fructose con aimed at getting someone--anyone!--to provide me with that sweet Samoa fix.

You might remember that around this time last year, I devoted an entire post to how Girl Scout cookies are harder to find than Waldo in a candy cane factory that also makes knit caps:

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1/26/10

This seems really inappropriate to do on the blog, but I’m desperate, guys. I need a fix. The good stuff. You know what I’m talking about. I feel like I haven’t had any in forever.

The thing is I don’t know anyone who’s selling. I will buy in bulk, I swear, I just need a hook-up. I’ll put it in my freezer so it’ll keep. I’ll let you have some. Just give me a number, for the love of Christ. I won’t say it was you who sent me.

Do I have to spell it out for you? I NEED SOME FUCKING TAGALONGS, okay?. Thin Mints, Samoas, Do-Si-Dos, whatever you’ve got, man. I’ll even take Trefoils, the schwag of the Girl Scout Cookie catalog. I’m like Cookie Monster on the Master Cleanse right now; it’s not pretty.

Seriously, though, why are Girl Scout cookies harder to procure than illegal drugs? There is something wrong with that lesson. If I sent you on a scavenger hunt right now with a list that included a quart of unpasteurized raw milk, an ounce of marijuana, an eight-ball of cocaine, a whole roasted goat, and a box of Thin Mints, guess which item would be the biggest bitch to find? That is not right, y’all.

The main reason for this, of course, is that Girl Scouts are forbidden from selling cookies online. I’m not really sure why this is—I can only guess it's to even the playing field, in case some girls don’t have reliable access to the Internet—but it seems pretty archaic. Explain to me how forcing pre-teens in short pleated skirts to walk the streets soliciting strangers is character-building? If you go to the Girl Scouts of America website, they explain that "Girl Scouts of the USA does not currently allow online sales, but its cookie site can help you locate girls selling in your community." Yes, that's right. ANYONE can log onto this site to FIND YOUNG GIRLS. Seriously, does this not seem wrong to anyone else?

The whole experience of trolling for cookies makes me feel like a pedophile. I find myself breathlessly Tweeting sentences that are probably on government Megan's Law watch lists: “Anyone know any Girl Scouts? I NEED one. Anywhere in the country. I’ll pay anything!!!!” I stare a little too long at kids on the street, searching their outfits for tell-tale flashes of green. They’re the world’s tiniest dealers, and they’re harder to find than Obama's real Kenyan birth certificate.

For real, check out this chart I made:

ONE OF THESE THINGS IS NOT 
LIKE THE OTHER: 
A COMPARATIVE ANALYSIS


There is nothing not illegal that's harder to get than a box of Girl Scout cookies when you are a childless person. In fact, I could probably buy a baby on the black market faster than I could get my hot little hands on a box of Girl Scout goodness.

Stay tuned for updates; if I get the baby first, I'm naming it Samoa.

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So.

I didn't even try to act cool when I got Gloria's email. Within five seconds I was frothing at the mouth, typing in all caps. It was like a Kanye West tweet.

YEESSSSSS!!!!!!! I LOVE COOKIES!!!!! WHERE CAN I SEND YOU A CHECK, OR, WAIT, DO YOU ACCEPT PARTIALLY USED DSW GIFT CARDS???????

This is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
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20 comments :

  1. You would love my life. I live down the block from my city's Girl Scout headquarters. I have to turn down cookies because I have so many people try to sell them to me!

    Also, you may want to look up where the Girl Scout headquarters is near you. Ours has a little shop that they sell cookies out of.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I want in on this!!! I had to go WITHOUT last year because my local scouts decided that WalMart was NOT the place to be!

    It's not right man... cookie time comes around and I start tweaking'. I almost got the cops called on me for approaching a man with his SUV hatch open loading boxes of cookie goodness into the trunk.

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  3. This sounds like the beginning of a situation that may end in restraining orders.

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  4. Girl Scout cookies are pretty amazing. Samosa is an indian pastry, by the way. Samoas are the cookies, coconut I think?

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  5. yeah I reckon Google where can you find girl scouts often enough and you'd attract the law! I see danger in that :-) Enjoy mining your new seam for all you can get!

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  6. I am surrounded by heaven, I mean a multitude of Girl Scouts who offer to sell me some crack, I mean cookies every year.
    And I buy.
    Oh Lord do I buy.

    From each of them.
    I order from at least 4 different angels/Girl Scouts. Thin Mints. Caramel Delites.
    OH goodness.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Anonymous1:10 PM

    Share the love Ms. Una! My daughter is mad to sell some cookies this year. I've been a faithful reader since PR Season 6 - does that loyalty mean anything to you? I'll send you my info if you want it...

    ReplyDelete
  8. Your charts are awesome.

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  9. SAMOAS. damn it all. Now I have the itch *sigh* I have no kids either...what the heck am I going to do????

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  10. I'm only in Jersey and have GS connections.
    Jersey scouts are selling now.
    I don't think I've gone a year in my life without them, it must be hell for you people.
    I'll order them for you if you e-mail.

    ReplyDelete
  11. My mother is a girl scout leader and my younger sister is selling cookies right now. Every time we buy boxes of cookies to deliver, there are always extra boxes (the individual boxes come in bigger boxes and we have to buy a certain amount of the big boxes to get enough individual ones... did that make sense?) But anyway, the extras usually end up in our pantry for months upon months. If you really need girl scout cookies that much I could totally hook you up. I have a legion of little 2nd grade girls that usually do my bidding who would jump all over this.

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  12. I only get girl scouts trying to sell me magazines. What's up with that?

    Enjoy your cookies.
    -FringeGirl

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  13. Kebbler(?) now sells Coconut Delights......just like Samoa's.

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  14. move to Pinellas county Florida. Every year they are out in front of Publix Super Markets peddling their precious goods. I mean the cookies of course ;)
    Oh God, I'm sorry Chris Hansen. My joke was entirely tasteless.

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  15. You are so in the wrong age category (friend of couples with girls 6+). You (obviously) don't live in a suburban neighborhood in upstate NY. I cannot escape buying at least 10 boxes of these overpriced, tiny little boxes of ginormous calories that I, unfortunately, have no willpower against consuming in one sitting. Girls calling on the phone. Girls knocking on my door. Girls sending me email. So glad you found a good "crack" supplier this year!
    Heather

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  16. I love me some Tagalongs.

    Also, I was the top cookie seller in my Girl Scout Troop when I was in 4th Grade (501 boxes), and I won a trip to a really awful sleep away camp.

    I quit Girl Scouts the next year, but my love of the cookies lives on.

    ReplyDelete
  17. When the sign up sheet went up in the kitchen at my office I was getting coffee and literally went "OH MY COOKIES!" aaaand totally didn't realize that the COO was also getting his coffee. Luckily he thought it was funny. But yeah if you don't have a connection these are soooo hard to get. Sometimes they have a kiosk in the mall, but still they always sell out of the good stuff (Samoas, Tagalongs) and you have to settle for the shortbread ones just to get your GS cookie fix.

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  18. This post went the opposite way than I expected. I thought you would be mad about people soliciting you for sugary snacks. I had no idea you were jonsing so bad for them.

    Hilarious and awesome post. I need to stop by more often. Is the baby's middle name going to be tagalong?

    ReplyDelete
  19. They'll probably outlaw cookies next, coz 'the man' is always trying to keep a playa down.
    If it's so easy, buy the kid online, get her into the Girl Scouts, wait until she is 'cookie ripe' and you'll be living with a dealer!

    ReplyDelete

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