Thursday, January 6, 2011

Tom Selleck vs. Disneyland, and What This Has To Do With My Career

As some of you may have noticed, if you like to spend your spare time perusing the sidebar of my blog (in which case, I'm so sorry for your recent accident and I do hope you regain control of your motor functions soon), I've added a widget called "This Week's Movie Review."

That's right, I'm being paid to review movies.

For a magazine in Las Vegas.

(I'll wait for the slow claps to die down.)

Seriously, though, it's a dream come true for me. In a way, it seems predestined. When I was seven years old, my parents took me and my baby sister to California to visit my grandpa. We were within spitting distance of Disneyland, but my father made me a counter-offer: if I would forgo a magical day in Mickey's kingdom, eating overpriced pretzels and throwing up atop the Matterhorn, he would let me watch two movies back to back. I agreed, and my dad saved about $80.

(The movies were Planes, Trains & Automobiles and Three Men and a Baby. WORTH IT.)

In related news, I grew up to be obsessed with all three of these men.

So far I've reviewed three totally mediocre movies: How Do You Know, Yogi Bear, and Gulliver's Travels. It's fun to review bad movies, though--it's basically getting paid to be a giant bitch, which is, obviously, my goal in life.

Now I just have to figure out how to get away with writing three-word reviews, like Jeff. That would be easy money.

Three Men and A Baby might be "Gutt, 'Stache, Diaper."

(Planes, Trains & Automobiles just writes itself.)

P.S. Don't forget to enter the Jimmy Dean D-Lights "Better Breakfast, Better You" sweepstakes to win a $100 Visa gift card!



  1. Anonymous8:56 AM

    The last time I was home visiting my mom, she drunkenly admitted that she slept with Tom Selleck in her early 20's. So the next time I play Two Truths and a Lie, it'll be awesome:

    -I am left-handed
    -I am right-handed
    -Tom Selleck might be my dad

  2. I would make a very bad movie critic... because I'm too, well, critical. I don't see movies I really like very often.

    It's probably the opposite of why I couldn't be a food critic, since I love food so much.

    Guess I'll have to stick with criticizing my friends.


  3. Thanks for the movie reviews. My kids wanted to see "Gulliver's Travels," but I haven't heard any good reviews. Now I can tell my girls, "Una says it's really bad," and that will be the end of the discussion. ;-)

  4. Anonymous: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!? You're my new hero.

    Simple Dude:
    Nah, I think you'd be fine. I love movies, but I also love making fun of them. As for food, yeah, I'd give four stars to a week-old bag of Cheez-Its so there's no hope for me. I maybe would have given a bad review to a spicy tuna roll I ate once while stoned in college, but I was high, so would that even count?

    Your kids know who I am? OMG, I feel famous.

  5. Una, I've been tempted to send you something on my 9-year-old. She'd easily make a Curmudgeon of the Week.

  6. And yeah, they know who you are. You're that "lady that Daddy brought chocolate to in NYC."

  7. Carma22311:29 AM

    Una, I read the movie review... seriously, you are one damn good writer! Congrats on the gig :)

  8. I feel like most movies are pretty bad these days, but I guess that's good for you. I also enjoy writing reviews for bad movies, it feels nice to really give it to them. Have you seen Black Swan yet? I thought it was all right, but incredibly predictable.

    PS-- 3 word movie reviews is the way to go!

  9. I can't believe you sat through Yogi Bear. Did you at least smoke pot first?

    I can't imagine dealing with that movie without copious amounts of illegal drugs.

  10. well my kids liked Gulliver's Travels if that helps?

  11. Mmmmm, Tom Selleck. I DOUBLE HEART me some Tom Selleck, his 'stache and his tennis shorts!! Yummy. I love him so much that I may *or may not have* given a pet name to something of my husband's with that very moniker.

    Oh yeah, and I saw "How Do You Know" also. SNORE.

  12. That's awesome. (just finished slow clapping)
    Three Men and a Baby is a movie I remember seeing in the theater as a kid too.

  13. I work at that vacation spot and you are much better off doing what you did.
    As for Tom Selleck, my Mom loves him so much I put him on her 50th Birthday cake. See for yourself.

    *L, your first COTW

  14. i am glad you are getting paid from a magazine for movie stuff. i remember the move three men and a baby. was a good movie. watched it many times when i was a kid. i also watched the sequal. yes there was a sequel. i dont remember what it was called though.

  15. It is also a goal of of mine to get paid for being a giant bitch. Even though I'm male and this particular adjective is usually reserved solely for members of my opposing gender, I still pride myself in having a common ambition with someone so fascinatingly bad ass. I'm happy to see that your ambitions have been achieved.

  16. --snoble24

    It was called "Three Men and a Little Lady"

    I have no other relevant knowledge in my head.

    Put me on Jeopardy! please!!

  17. That's awesome! Congrats

  18. Sassy, is your profile photo one of those dancers from the GAP ads?


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