Friday, January 21, 2011

Notes To My Future Children: Part Three

Deep squats in shiny shorts: do not recommend.

(Need a refresher? See parts one and two.)

21. You should drink alcohol before turning 21. Not a lot, just some, at special occasions, so that you can build up the tolerance you will need for your inaugural college ice luge. It is not, however, advisable to drink Zima and peach schnapps in a hammock during your prom's after-party, nor is it advisable to spend your high school graduation in the emergency room after spending the better part of the evening pouring a handle of rum into a can of Coke in Riverside Park.

22. Dances you should master: basic waltz, basic salsa and merengue, the running man, the Roger Rabbit, the robot, the hammer dance, the electric slide, Single Ladies. If you really want to impress me, learn to do that thing where you jump through your own arms.

23. (If someone in your dorm asks you to be in an interpretive dance piece, though, make sure to find out if there's any possibility that you'll be required to wear a ball gown and cut the heads off of teddy bears before you say yes.)

24. Resist the siren song of the label-maker. Trust me, you have fewer things to label than you think you do.

25. The best way to make hospital corners is not to make them at all, because your bedroom is not a hospital, it is a den of iniquity and midnight snacking and crosswords in which bedsheets cannot be contained by society's Puritanical laws. (Also, if you actually are in a hospital, the nurses make them for you.)

26. Due to your genetic legacy, you will not look good in jean shorts. Do not even try.

27. Here are some great alternate lyrics to the chorus of Elton John's "Tiny Dancer," courtesy of your father:

Hold me closer, Tony Danza
Get a hand-job on the highway
Dress me up in pants of leather
Don't tell my mom I'm gay

28. Do not ever refer to sunglasses as "sunnies." Ditto "champers" for Champagne or "Yusuf Islam" for Cat Stevens.

29. You can't guess a man's penis size based on his feet. But you can estimate his fiber intake based on the number of days it takes him to change the toilet paper roll.

30. There is no "I" in team. There is also no "you" in organized sports.


  1. Yes, there is no "I" in team. But mixed up in there is "me."

    Tell that to your child some day.

  2. #30 is my favorite. because unless i marry some triathlete or other, it applies to my future kids as well.

  3. Thank you for letting me have this with my coffee. I may have to make some "notes" of my own now that I have a little one due in June. Good thinking Sass, good thinking.

    P.S.-I'm singing the alternate lyrics over and over so that I can memorize them and impress my friends at a later date.

  4. Yes on the jean shorts (any shorts, in my case), and LOL x 100 on the Tony Danza lyrics.

  5. the siren song of the label-maker. SO TRUE. awesome.

  6. Ah... Tony Danza highway handjobs... Youth is a wondrous thing

  7. Anonymous10:31 PM

    apropos of nothing- have you watched VH1's "You're cut off"?
    Because I just saw my first episode and it is beyond hideous and I spent the whole time watching it thinking how great it would be if you were live blogging the episode!

  8. You are able to hop from penis size to log output so effortlessly and seamlessly... no wonder your sex wind is so smelly.

  9. These are all excellent bits of advice. Seriously, are you available for babysitting? However, what's up with the label maker? I find I have many, many things to label. I feel parents must make their own decisions about how to raise their kids - of course! But how to predict the labeling needs of ones future children? Just sayin!

  10. I don't know. You'd be amazed how many things you can label in the 5th grade. You can label "JOHN SMELLS" and then give it to your can label "KATIE SMELLS" and then give it to your stars, the things you can do with label makers.

  11. Did you hear that they quit making Zima?! It was the day a large part of my adolescence died.

  12. Anonymous8:55 PM

    My boss is Tony Danzas cousin. True story. Jealous much. Clearly he doesn't look as good in satin Everlasts or squatting for that matter


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