Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Natalie's Delicate Flower And Other Golden Globes Fashion Conundrums

Okay, let's talk about this first. It's all anybody wanted to see anyway:

Behold, budding (sequined!) life.
Before I say what I need to say, let me state for the record that I think Natalie Portman is probably the most empirically beautiful human being alive. I'm not great at math, but I'm pretty sure the angles of the planes of her face add up to infinity, riding on an endless rainbow, making love to Pi while googols explode in its wake. It's revolting; looking at her face is like looking directly at the sun--you have to turn away and throw up. So, yeah I think she's pretty. And I'm happy that she's pregnant and engaged to a beautiful ballet dancer.

But this dress is not my favorite.

It's a nice shape, and fits well. The empire waist is perfect for showing off her delicate condition. The color is flattering. It's the rose appliqué that trips me up. It's jarring. It's like Ed Hardy shot a tee-shirt cannon at Grace Kelly.

Just... wrong.

I can't decide what would make it better, so I'm just going to conclude that infinity simply tires of humping Pi from time to time.

Okay, now for the rest. Let's start with some pretty things.

YAY.

Olivia Wilde was the first one on the red carpet, violating the Law of Gutt, which dictates that only D-list has-beens show up two hours early . And behold! She looked lovely in a sort of ombre homage to the solar system.


Silk--or velvet, or whatever that is--can go oh so wrong, but the deep neckline, retro ruffled sleeves, and elegant hue prevent Tina Fey's look from being a lemon.


Even though this Vera Wang is distractingly crinkly, Sofia Vergara rocks it--the silhouette is perfect on her. But my favorite thing about this picture is the background women dressed like wildlife. If only David Attenborough could narrate the red carpet...

"The Colombian bombshell stops in her tracks, her bosoms heaving beneath the constrictive armor of Spanx. Her eyes go wild. She senses an ill-fitting leopard-print jumpsuit in the brush nearby..."

NAY.

Oh, Michelle. If only life were as simple as gunny sacks and daisies.


And Julianne! WTF? Why did you feel the need to desecrate a perfectly nice gown with a single Members Only jacket sleeve? If you had just listened to the right side of your body, everything would have been fine. See?

The twin Doris Roberts doppelgangers approve!
And now, we move on to The Batshit Battalion.


Hey, look, it's circa-1989 Elaine Benes, wearing something from the J. Peterman catalogue:
The good doctor got onto his bicycle after ingesting what he estimated to be a threshold dose of LSD. He would have driven, but the use of motor vehicles was prohibited due to of wartime restrictions, so he started to pedal home, through fields of sun-dappled bluebonnets that seemed to swell and hum as he passed.

It got bad as he rounded a bend near the riverbed, and when his spinster neighbor came into view, offering desiccated heels of bread to a blind pigeon, he shrieked and fell off of his Schwinn, believing her to be a malevolent witch.

“Your shoes are two different colors!” he cried as he began to lick a patch of yellow grass. “Your bosom is lined with crow’s feathers!”

The sheriff was called and the doctor was escorted the rest of the way home, where he was fed a supper of broth laced with strong sedatives. But before his wife could wrangle him into his pajamas, he snatched a notebook from his desk and locked himself in the pantry.

When he emerged six weeks later, he brought the urine-stained pages to the local dressmaker and filed a letter of resignation with the hospital.

The Blind Pigeon silk and tulle gown (No. 2894).

Women’s sizes: 2 through 18.

And look, here's Tilda Swinton, looking like a Creamsicle wrapped in an enigma sprinkled with some albino Carolina Herrera.


And she's winking! How whimsical! Perhaps she's communicating with the mother ship.

ALMOST.

Green was a big trend this year, but unfortunately so was static cling-like crotchal bunching.

The boobs truly are the curtains to the soul.
OY. 
Bigger is not always better, ladies.
Speaking of which, you know what I'm over? Giant shoulder goiters, that's what. Are you hiding an absorbed twin under there? And what would Tyra say about your neck? (Obviously, Christina Hendricks looks bangin' from the rack down and from the chin up. So close!) 
And Miss Lea Michele has some cramps that only Pepto Bismol can cure. 
(Here I should admit that I'm kind of over Lea Michele. She's just so on all the time. Rumor has it she's a bit of a diva. Which, okay, fine, she's talented. But I'm annoyed by her need for attention, and for grandeur. What I'm trying to say is, that's a whole lot of dress for a little person, Norma Desmond.)  
YOWZA. 
Some actresses need to wear their sex appeal on their sleeve... or, rather, in their cleave
Betty Draper goes for subtle in a plunging Versace that points straight to her V.
Hey, Halle--we get it. You're hot. Still, the red carpet demands more than just a bustier and a glute shroud. 
BEIGE. 
One of my least favorite fashion trends is white women dressing in colors that might best be described as "Band-Aid," "Sunlit Tan," or "Week-Old Dishwater." 
Julie Bowen proves my point: without going into the shredded toilet paper situation, this color does nothing for her. Embrace Roy G. Biv, ladies. Grab his butt and bite the bullet.
This peachy hue is more flattering (and clearly Scarlett has chosen a much better dress). But the question remains: Did she use the same Flowbee as Annette bening? What is going on with that hair? Did she get it at Mullets by Dali? 
Oh, who am I kidding? I can't hate on Helen Mirren. She always looks fab. But she would look even better in a less flan-like shade, right? I rest my case.
BRIDES. 
There are always a few actresses who take an awards show as a chance to play Pretend Wedding. And it is, in some ways, a wedding--a wedding of narcissism and unrelenting media coverage, with Giuliana Rancic serving as the hungry, manic Matron of Honor, Ryan Seacrest polishing his teeth and dusting off his platform lifts in the role of Best Man, and Ricky Gervais presiding over the proceedings with an acid tongue and a hidden keg.
Still, it's no excuse to break out the Jessica McClintock, J-Lo-Hew. 
(In related news, I'm not a fan of the "fruit bowl" bodice, which renders a purse completely superfluous. Just toss your keys in there, woman! What else is that shelf for if not storage?) And I don't know quite what to say about J-Lo's invisible shawl. Remind me again how see-through netting is classy? 
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, ANNE HATHAWAY.  
Okay, so this has been a long time coming. In addition to Lea Michele, one of my celebrity anti-crushes is Anne "Princess Amelia Mignonette Grimaldi Thermopolis Renaldo" Hathaway. But I don't hate on Anne just because she's beautiful and successful and probably doesn't habitually lick yogurt off of her cell phone. No, I hate her because she hit on my boyfriend. 
 
The year: 2001. The place: Vassar College. My then-boyfriend (not Jeff) was part of Wesleyan's all-male a cappella group (shut up, it seemed hot at the time), and was visiting Vassar to perform with Vassar's all-female a cappella group, of which Anne was a member. They harmonized to some Tori Amos or whatever, and then drank to excess in celebration. It was at this point that Anne told my boyfriend, in explicit terms, that she would like to a his cappella. I have never forgiven her. My ex-boyfriend once pointed out that I should take his rejection of a movie star in favor of me as a compliment, but that is cold comfort now that I have to see her all over the place--that bitch just doesn't quit. 
Also, C-3PO called, and he wants his Slanket back*. 
(That's not all she steals, 3PO. Hide R2-D2.) 
*I know she looks great, just let me have this one.  
YAWN/YIKES. 
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: when did Claire Danes turn into Joan Allen? 
But what happened to Emma Stone is even more disturbing, and sherbet-y. 
She's like an Oompa-Loompa drag queen dressed as Lindsay Lohan pre-rehab. What hath Hollywood wrought? 
Sigh. To cleanse the palate and end this ridiculously lengthy post, I give you Ryan Gosling in a velveteen tux: 
If only this blog was Scratch N' Sniff...
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26 comments :

  1. Natalie's dress looks as if her baby is being delivered right there between her boobs! And can someone please please tell me where the hell Scarlett Johanson's curves went? Even Sofia Vergara looks thinner. Is this what LA does? It takes beautiful women, makes them uber successful, and then forces them to eat like someone with esophageal cancer?
    Your description of Tilda Swinton's outfit is BRILLIANT!

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  2. Claudia2:24 PM

    I thought that Emma Stone's dress was actually really starkly beautiful. Okay, I'll admit the colour isn't so hot on her, but the fit and the simplicity...? No...? Right.

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  3. Your Emma Stone comment... dead on sista.

    And Lea Michelle? Did you see how when Chris Colfer, ie. Kurt Hummel won, every time the camera panned to her for cast reactions she'd look right at it, crinkle up her eyes to force cry a bit more, and wipe her tears? Every time.

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  4. black sequinny much smaller rose right between miss natalies boobage..probably would have looked a wee bit better.

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  5. I just died at the Scratch N' Sniff Ryan Gosling comment. You'd think technology could've given us that by now...

    Hilarious as always!

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  6. I thought Mila Kunis looked great!! I agree with you on Natalie Portman's Ed Hardy style rose design on her dress, and yeah. What's with Tilda Swinton and the albino look? Do not get it.

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  7. As always, thanks for the laugh! Making fun of celebrities is a secret past-time for me, reading your dead on descripts makes it all the more worthwhile! ;0)

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  8. I'll totally give you the Anne Hathaway even though I love her. Because I feel the same way about Reese Witherspoon, who tried (and FAILED) to steal my little sister's boyfriend in high school. Reece IS Tracy Flick (from Election). That was no acting, that's how she is in real life! Or at least that's how she was in the '90s. And I think Anne's shoulder pads were completely wrong.

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  9. I felt bad at laughing so much at the descriptions, but this was so funny. Some of those dresses are very strange & I agree about the tan color on white women. Olivia Wilde's dress is pretty, though there is that constellations vibe.
    This is such an entertaining blog....

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  10. :::reluctanctly raising my hand::: I really like Natalie's dress.

    Also, I agree with Tonya about the curvy actresses. I hate when a "woman" morphs into an 11 year old boy.

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  11. Anonymous3:04 PM

    I've said it before and I will continue saying it ... I adore you, Miss Sassy! The laughs you elicit are worth the snarky looks I get from my co-workers ... yes, reading you at work is a pleasure that is worth its weight in silk chiffon.

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  12. Omigod, what happened to this post? Halfway through it went from reading normal to reading in a straight line, down hill, one.letter.at.a.time.

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  13. I HATE ANNE'S SHOULDER PADS!

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  14. what's the problem? There is only one person in those photos that I wouldn't try and have sex with sober. Pass me a drink and I'll see what I can do about Bonham Carter...

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  15. What Katie said. Why am I reading one letter @ a time. :( Please fix so I can enjoy the frivolity.

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  16. Kelly and Katie -- it's showing up fine for me. Maybe it's your browser? Sorry!

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  17. Your description of Natalie Portmans Ed Hardy applique was perfectly on point. But Matt Lauer (who would leave his stunningly hot young wife if only he knew of my existance) loved the "Easy A" Oompah-Loompah look. Ann Curry said he was salivating. I only know this because we had a snow day and I watched The Today Show, which I don't normally do.

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  18. "I've said it before, and I'll say it again: when did Claire Danes turn into Joan Allen?"

    Probably around the same time she started selling eyelashes.

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  19. I was like, Oh! A box of Russel Stover chocolates and it's not even Valentines Day! Oh, actually that's Natalie Portman. WTF??

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  20. your j. peterman impression made me crack TF up! yay humorousness.

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  21. Helena Bonham-Carter, what is your deal? Tilda Swinton, same question. Everyone else, I can guess what they were hoping for, even if they didn't quite achieve it. Loved your comments.

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  22. Tilda gets the award for worst get-up, you ask me, and Olivia Wilde's fairytale princess gown had me dreaming of myself in it, escorted by Prince Charming. The shelf bridesmaid dress was one of the most hated looks, from my perspective. I mean, not only your cell phone goes in there, but all the food you can drop into it. Ew.

    This was fun!

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  23. There was just too much funny in this post. It kept getting funnier and funnier.

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  24. Apparently Ryan Gosling can do no wrong in my eyes, because even draped in velvet, I still want to jump his bones... I'm not sure what that says about me.

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  25. The best Globes tweet I saw asked when Tilda Swinton became Julian Assange. And another compared her to a jar of mayonnaise. Brilliant. You're allowed to hate on Anne Hathaway b/c anyone who can wear a dress cut that low in back deserves a little bile sent in her direction. I would add only that Michelle Williams is wearing a dress made with wallpaper from the bathroom in our house, circa 1972. I swear it's the EXACT same print. It didn't look good on our bathroom walls, either.

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