Monday, January 31, 2011

Knight and Gay

The Internet has been buzzing with news that Jonathan Knight, also known as the New Kid On The Block Most Likely To Wear Striped Vests Or Jams In Promotional Photographs, is gay.

Some women who spent the better part of the late eighties and early nineties wearing out their tape players with "Hangin' Tough" and "Step By Step," or forcing their Barbies to have sex with their Donnie Wahlberg dolls, might find this news shocking. For me, it makes total sense.

You see, I was born with a faulty gaydar. I suspect my mother ate too much fruit during my time in utero, and as a result I was destined to fall in love with the least heterosexual member of any given boy band.




Or... maybe I just liked guys who posed on the right side of large groups, wore Dwayne Wayne glasses, or resembled Tilda Swinton with a Jheri-Curl.

Anyway, no boy band could compete with NKOTB for my affections, and yes, inexplicably, Jonathan was my favorite.

Admittedly, photographs like this render gaydar all but useless.
Jonathan had exactly one solo track, as I recall, and it was a happy birthday song titled, ever so simply and artistically, "Happy Birthday." It went like so:

Happy Birthday to you
This is your day
On this day for you
We're gonna love you in every way
This is your day (Yo-ooour Da-aaay!)
Haaaaaappy Birthday to you (To You)

Happy Birthday to you
You´re still young
Age is just a number
Don´t you stop having fun
This is your day (Yo-ooour Da-aaay!)
Haaaaappy Birthday to you (To You)
To you (To You)
To (sung in falsetto) Yoooooooo-ooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuu!

I would play this in my room, swooning, imagining Jonathan--resplendent in his cross necklace and loafers--singing to me. Only later would I realize that this song was written for Jordan and Jonathan's mother (the "we" should have tipped me off, not to mention that the "age is just a number" line doesn't really apply to many twelve year-olds).

The fact that Jonathan could only be trusted with singing an asexual birthday ode to his mom, instead of something more manly like Joey's heartfelt, helium balloon rendition of "Please Don't Go Girl" or a tough, one-shoulder overall number like "You Got It (The Right Stuff)," should have been a red flag. But I continued in my adoration. He just seemed so... nice. Non-threatening. Probably good at teaching girls how to blow-dry their hair.

Incidentally, I went on to pin my prom hopes on a then-closeted classmate, cock-block myself for two years of college with a gay boyfriend, and marry a man who, in jest, likes to occasionally announce that he is gay (most notably right after our wedding ceremony).

I totally called Clay Aiken, though. So there's that.
Share/Bookmark

22 comments :

  1. Mickey was my favorite too!! He was cute and he was goofy. I personally thought Mike was a better candidate for quite gayness.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I also tell my wife I am probably gay, mostly due to my man crush on Holmes from Holmes on Homes.

    Hahaha... ha?

    ANYWAYS, why is the squatting New Kid pointing to Overalls New Kid's crotch?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Jordan was totally mine, so the fact you crushed on Jonathan is fine.
    Weird though, cuz from the looks of that pic, Jordan in his overalls with no undershirt would be setting off huge sirens on anyone's gaydar. Plus, he had that rat tail braid thingy. I didn't care, he was ALL sorts of man to my middle school self.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Girls are so easily obsessed with unattainable boys and the hopes of Prince Charming. Your dreams are long crushed before you have to settle down with one of us and are willing to take us less than perfect.

    Guys never forget that first Playboy we saw and will always think that's the low watermark for future happiness.

    Guess that says a lot about the true staying power of marriage...you project your effeminate male on him and he has Pamela Anderson in his head the whole time.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I think the fact that Jon is wearing tights under his ripped jeans should have tipped you off.

    I wasn't one of those crazed NKOTB fans--I didn't even have their tapes--but when pressed I would say that I was a Donny Wahlberg fan. He was the only one who seemed like he was too cool for all the cheesy dance numbers and falsetto.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thank you Kev D. for drawing my attention to Jonathan pointing to Jordan's crotch. What an eye opener. I didn't even notice when I first looked at the picture. Now I can't see anyting else.

    Hey look at my brahtha's denim covahed bahlls!

    ReplyDelete
  7. As long as George Michael is still available for the ladies, there will still be hope left in the world

    ReplyDelete
  8. the squatter IS, in fact, jonathan knight. joey was my favorite. i can understand jonathan's appeal. i have to say, i could NEVER figure out why anyone would like danny.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I called Aiken too. On day one. No one wanted to believe me, though.

    Didn't everyone have at least one gay boyfriend in college? Or at least a gay hook-up? I did. It dawned on me that he might be playing for the other team when he fell asleep mid-make out.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I went to prom my sophomore year of high school with a gay guy, totally ruining my street cred for the next two years. Never went to a prom again. (Of course, that could be because I was butt-a$$ ugly.)

    ReplyDelete
  11. I thought I was the only one! My Barbies had a liking for Joey, who I stole from my best friend because she always had all the best dolls and didn't deserve it just because she didn't cry when her ears were pierced ;)

    In related news, my Prom date was not gay though I'd like to think that my lost years spent pining away for him while he impregnated my best friend in his oh-so-romantic bronco were not a total waste as he realized his love for Ricky Martin (I can pretend)
    Anderson Cooper anyone?? (YUM!)

    ReplyDelete
  12. My new favorite post! I (still) double heart Donnie - what's not to love? Ripped jeans? Check. Motorcycle jacket? Check. Rat tail? Check. Swoon.

    I love him and his brethern so much that I am going to the NKOTBSB concert in Nashville in June! So excited!

    ReplyDelete
  13. That's the first thing I notice was Jonathan pointing to Jordan's crotch and what group is that 3rd picture? Don't recognize them but then I'm a straight male. But you totally missed on the gaydar there. Look to the left that Barry Gibb hair, and 70's porn stash, GAY!! Who wants a mustache ride??? And man that band had the uglist black chick in it.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Mickey Dolenz? I always that it was Davy Jones, because he just tried too hard...

    ReplyDelete
  15. DUDE. I know not one other person who liked Jonathan Knight AND Mickey Dolenz. Holy shit.

    My gaydar was so broken. So, so, so very broken.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I hate to burst your bubble, but who didn't call Clay Aiken???? Yowser. I was more surprised when Ricky Martin came out of the closet.

    ReplyDelete
  17. My gaydar has always been intact when it comes to boybands...it's the real-life friends I have trouble with. I spent all of sixth grade pining for one of my closest not-yet-out-of-the-closet friends. Who now dresses in drag and is referred to "The Supermodel of the South". And 7-12th grades in "love" with another closeted friend...

    But I always knew that Lance Bass of N*Sync, Ricky Martin, and Clay Aiken were gay.

    I'm still holding out that AJ McLean and I will get married...even though I'm already married, he's engaged and he just checked into drug-rehab; he's going on tour with BSB and NKOTB and is quoted saying,
    "For personal reasons, I've checked myself into a rehab clinic. With 2011 being a busy year for Backstreet, I want to be healthy and perform for people at my very best and happiest. I look forward to seeing everyone really soon!"

    Wanna go??

    ReplyDelete
  18. I totally get it. Not to brag, but in high school I went to prom all four years. How many of my dates were gay? That would be FOUR. You would think I would have learned when my date junior year DESIGNED MY GOD DAMN BOUQUET.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I think we might be gaydar shortout sisters, because my two favorite of favorite pre-teen love objects were a certain misters Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Lance Bass.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Micky Dolenz is currently married to his third wife.

    ReplyDelete
  21. I always liked the brothers jordan and jonathan, but looking back they both should have set off the gaydar and this day still they still look kinda gay, joey was a cute babyboy lol... I so love mickey dolenz

    ReplyDelete
  22. Those photos are hilarious! lol.

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...