Monday, January 17, 2011

Imagined Conversations From The Golden Globes Red Carpet

Colin Firth's wife: "HEYYYYYYYY YOOOOOOOOOUUUUUU GUUUUUUUUUUYYYYYYYSSSS!!!! I'm married to COLIN FUCKING FIRTH. Yeah, Mr. Darcy--in your face, universe. He's also nominated for The King's Speech. DID I STUTTER, LADIES???"
Colin Firth: "Um, I think they heard you, crumpet. Let's take our seats... and a Valium, shall we?"

Seal: Shit, bitch, you lookin' fine.
Heidi: Thanks! It's the winning look from a never-aired episode of Project Runway sponsored by Coldstone Creamery. It's Casanova's take on neopolitan.
Seal: Mmmhmmm, I see his signature: it's somehow both whorish and dowdy.
Heidi: Aw, I could say the same about your shiny suit. Does Forever21 have a new menswear line?
Seal: I especially like the rumpled pashmina you're using as a belt. Rrrrowr.
Heidi: Well, hats of to your pretend spats, Gummibärchen. Baby shit brown is a hard color to match, but I think we pull it off.
Seal: Totally. 

Annette: Warren, I'm worried. You said Black Swan was going to be all the rage this year, but I'm afraid I just look like I'm molting.
Warren: Yeah, but I look great.
Annette: Well, sure, for a...erm... distinguished man of a... certain age.
Warren: Hey, my hairline's not receding. My forehead is just more awesome.
Annette: Sure it is. Anyway, are you sure I don't look like Madison from Splash at a funeral?
Warren: Oh, relax. No one's looking at you, Four Eyes McFlowbee. You might want to keep an eye on me, though. Halle Berry's been giving me eyes all night.
Annette: Sigh. How many times do I have to tell you, breasts are not eyes.
Warren: Au contraire, mon frère. They are the eyes to the soul.
Annette: I think you're mixing your metaphors.
Warren: Well, whatever they are, those kids are all right.

Brangelina: Mmmmmm.
Brangelina: Mmmmmm.
Brangelina: I'm glad we decided not to show teeth. We're much more aloof this way.
Brangelina: Exactly. We've got to keep them guessing. Are we real, or are we having the last laugh back at Madame Tussaud's while our waxen counterparts entertain the mortals?
Brangelina: Hm hm hm hm. That was a laugh, by the way. I can't open my mouth.
Brangelina: Hm hm hm hm. I know, pet. I know.

Jon: Well, hello. What was that?
Jennifer: I just goosed you, Draper. Bitches better recognize.
Jon: Sweetheart, I'm not a piece of meat, last name notwithstanding.
Jennifer: Fine. Then can we talk about this navy situation? I know Justin Bieber is wearing sneakers and Helena Bonham Carter is dressed like one of the Hoarders ladies, but this is still a black tie event.
Jon: But... I am wearing a black tie!
Jennifer: With a blue suit! You're not Thomas Jane, honey. Jesus. I look like a goddess, and you look like my prom date from 1989.
Jon: Um, excuse me, Jessica Stein, I bet a lot of women would line up for a piece of this action.
Jennifer: Like who?
Jon: Like my onscreen wife, Betty Draper. Look, honey--she's actually made an arrow to her vagina using her boobs! Come on, that's impressive. And it looks like there's a special crotch curtain for easy access, or at least halftime shows.

Jennifer: Touché, Super Grover. Let's find the bar.


  1. Every single important piece of information and point of worth in life can be discovered on breasts. FACT

  2. you are so funny!!!! i wonder why none of the women wore dresses that made them look hot. nothing but batman sleeves and see-through sleeves...sleeves sleeves sleeves!!!! blech!!!

  3. Gummibärchen. Still laughing.... !!

  4. OMG this is hilarious. Kudos. I especially love the Brangelina conversation. It's like you were there!

  5. This was hilarious!
    And who's to say it didn't happen?

  6. Oh wow, that dress really does have a crotch curtain, ugh... I like Jon Hamm's suit-- he reminds me of a Buddy Holly impersonator working at a Jack rabbit Slim's or something.

  7. The conversations just got better and better as I scrolled down. Thanks for the laugh!

  8. I missed the red carpet last night because my significant other was watching football and goddamed Transformers. Thank God for you. Now I feel like I've seen all I needed to.

  9. My Daily Read is somehow better today....

    Well done. I can only imagine you too in a mall and the 'conversations' you hear...

  10. On a serious note, this hollywood bullshit is hallucinogen for the masses.Nevermind of all your actual problems. Aspire to be rich, phony and famous.

    I'm premenstrual. Anyone surprised?

  11. this is super funny but what i can't get over is realizing jon hamm is dating jessica stein! i had no idea. what a fun day for pop culture.

  12. I love everything about this.

  13. This is better than actually watching The Golden Globes. Which I haven't done yet. Meh.

  14. This is my favorite post of all time. Of all time! I salute you Una!

  15. OH MY GAWHD Colin Firth's wife is a bitch.
    I knew it!

  16. hahahahahahaha I absolutely love this. the Brangelina one is so true, let's be honest!


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