Monday, January 17, 2011
Colin Firth's wife: "HEYYYYYYYY YOOOOOOOOOUUUUUU GUUUUUUUUUUYYYYYYYSSSS!!!! I'm married to COLIN FUCKING FIRTH. Yeah, Mr. Darcy--in your face, universe. He's also nominated for The King's Speech. DID I STUTTER, LADIES???"
Colin Firth: "Um, I think they heard you, crumpet. Let's take our seats... and a Valium, shall we?"
Seal: Shit, bitch, you lookin' fine.
Heidi: Thanks! It's the winning look from a never-aired episode of Project Runway sponsored by Coldstone Creamery. It's Casanova's take on neopolitan.
Seal: Mmmhmmm, I see his signature: it's somehow both whorish and dowdy.
Heidi: Aw, I could say the same about your shiny suit. Does Forever21 have a new menswear line?
Seal: I especially like the rumpled pashmina you're using as a belt. Rrrrowr.
Heidi: Well, hats of to your pretend spats, Gummibärchen. Baby shit brown is a hard color to match, but I think we pull it off.
Annette: Warren, I'm worried. You said Black Swan was going to be all the rage this year, but I'm afraid I just look like I'm molting.
Warren: Yeah, but I look great.
Annette: Well, sure, for a...erm... distinguished man of a... certain age.
Warren: Hey, my hairline's not receding. My forehead is just more awesome.
Annette: Sure it is. Anyway, are you sure I don't look like Madison from Splash at a funeral?
Warren: Oh, relax. No one's looking at you, Four Eyes McFlowbee. You might want to keep an eye on me, though. Halle Berry's been giving me eyes all night.
Annette: Sigh. How many times do I have to tell you, breasts are not eyes.
Warren: Au contraire, mon frère. They are the eyes to the soul.
Annette: I think you're mixing your metaphors.
Warren: Well, whatever they are, those kids are all right.
Brangelina: I'm glad we decided not to show teeth. We're much more aloof this way.
Brangelina: Exactly. We've got to keep them guessing. Are we real, or are we having the last laugh back at Madame Tussaud's while our waxen counterparts entertain the mortals?
Brangelina: Hm hm hm hm. That was a laugh, by the way. I can't open my mouth.
Brangelina: Hm hm hm hm. I know, pet. I know.
Jon: Well, hello. What was that?
Jennifer: I just goosed you, Draper. Bitches better recognize.
Jon: Sweetheart, I'm not a piece of meat, last name notwithstanding.
Jennifer: Fine. Then can we talk about this navy situation? I know Justin Bieber is wearing sneakers and Helena Bonham Carter is dressed like one of the Hoarders ladies, but this is still a black tie event.
Jon: But... I am wearing a black tie!
Jennifer: With a blue suit! You're not Thomas Jane, honey. Jesus. I look like a goddess, and you look like my prom date from 1989.
Jon: Um, excuse me, Jessica Stein, I bet a lot of women would line up for a piece of this action.
Jennifer: Like who?
Jon: Like my onscreen wife, Betty Draper. Look, honey--she's actually made an arrow to her vagina using her boobs! Come on, that's impressive. And it looks like there's a special crotch curtain for easy access, or at least halftime shows.
Jennifer: Touché, Super Grover. Let's find the bar.