According to some website called the NNCC, my blog, being a five year-old, should be able to dress itself with little assistance, cut on a line with scissors, balance on either foot for 5-10 seconds, and jump over low objects.
I know I should be proud, but instead I'm thinking, Go fuck yourself, NNCC. Sometimes I need Jeff to put on my socks. A straight line is totally subjective. I'm not the fucking Karate Kid, and the tree pose is fucking hard. Also, that ottoman was a lot taller than I thought it was, and it's easy to get caught up listening to House of Pain.
Still, happy birthday, blog. Eat your cake while mommy has a cocktail.
Also: I have a new* post up on HuffPo.
*Not really new. It's this post, tarted up a bit. But who has any kind of long-term memory these days?