Thursday, January 27, 2011

Dispatch From the Sickcouch

Greetings, friends. I'm writing to you from inside my Slanket. It's only three weeks old and already it looks like something you might find left behind in the Rock of Love bus, covered in weave hairs and questionable stains. Jeff and I are both sick. Again. I think my immune system ran off on me, only I haven't found the "Dear John" letter yet because it's stashed in my bone marrow.

Spousus Patheticus
Does this ever happen to you: Every time you get sick, your spouse gets sick--only more sick than you? It's inconvenient to say the least. All I want in this world is to watch my Gossip Girl in bed in my sports bra (the one the elastic has all but quit on, giving it the approximate texture and fetching appearance of a loose plastic bag) while eating my way through a tower of pudding snacks, but NO, someone needs juice, or Kleenex, or a ride to the hospital.

Jesus.

In all seriousness, I do try to take care of my boo (even though, seeing as Jeff and I wrote our own vows,  there was no "in sickness and in health" clause involved. I'll have you know I'm not contractually bound to take care of him. It's pro bono. He's in the other room sleeping right now, otherwise I'm sure he'd have a good bono joke at the ready.) I stock the pantry with soup and Saltines and fill the fridge with the aforementioned pudding snacks, but he insists that his virus can only be felled by pork fried rice, potato chips, and historical documentaries about Bikini Atoll.

Jeff is a much better caretaker than I am. He dotes on me, letting me watch what he calls "my stories," and complimenting me regularly on my recovery outfit, which invariably involves granny panties, bunny slippers, and a sweatshirt I may or may not have bought in the little boys' department because it was $20 cheaper. (No space for boobs, but hot damn, was that a steal!)

I'm rambling, and it's getting hot up in this Slank, so I'll sign off for now.

Oh, but if you see my immune system eating sushi of of naked models in Vegas or passed out on the beach in Puerto Plata surrounded by empty bottles of Brugal, tell it not to bother coming back because A) I've totally moved on; and B) good luck getting a flight into JFK in all this effing snow, dumbass. Me and Mucinex have a good thing going and we don't need you anymore.

[Sniffle.]
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17 comments :

  1. Una, feel better soon! Good to see your humor is lively : )(the little boys dept. is always cheaper = better, so if you can fit into it, BUY IT!)

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  2. Steph8:53 AM

    Feel better soon you two!
    My oldest daughter is sick, so I'm home with her today. We have a lot of virus junk running around where we live.
    I'm gonna make sure she's comfy, grab my Snuggie and coffee, and find some reruns of Golden Girls or Charmed.

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  3. My SH (Sweet Husband) is also good at caretaking, as he NEVER gets sick. However, when I first came home from the hospital with my daughter, an additional toddler in tow, he was useless. He said "I'll take John (the aforementioned toddler) to pre-school at 9, pick him up at 1, and then spend the rest of the day at home with you." He did this exactly once in my three week C-section recovery period. I still throw that up to him, although John is 24 and the infant is 20. It still makes him feel like an a-hole, which is totally the point.

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  4. I would say it always happens to me and my wife, but I'm a loser and single. Ha.

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  5. I've been sick since December 1st 2010. So if you find your immune system will you tell it to send mine back this way? I'd love to be able to breath out of both nostrils again.

    Feel better!

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  6. You and Mucinex will live happily ever after I'm sure.

    Now I want pudding. And Brugal cocktails. And a Slanket.

    Hope you feel better. I'm the type of person that gets sick once every three months or so. I haven't been sick for a year and I'm fearing for my life the next time it comes around.

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  7. I know what you mean about your spouse getting sick. And guys are SUCH weenies about it, too. Just wait until you have a kid to take care of--you will never be able to recover the way you'd like AGAIN. That's the thing I miss most about being childless, I think. If you all get the stomach flu together, you can expect a few days of a living hell you never knew existed.

    God, that was depressing. Sorry. Enjoy your rest!

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  8. I'll be in Puerto plata next week, so if I see it, I'll be sure to tell it to get its germ-busting ass home, PUH-RONTO!

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  9. I have to admit, I usually feel sympathetically sick when my better half is ill, though not so much these days. She's been sick with a cold for the last couple of days, and this time, as I sniffle away, I'm fighting the urge to join her under the germ-ridden covers and rest the remainder of the week away.

    Feel better.

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  10. Man you get sick a lot! Sucks for you. Maybe lay off the pudding, eat more veggies?

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  11. may you find comfort in your broken down slankie and sports bra...may jeff find comfort in being sick, because i don't think he will find comfort in your slankie and sports bra...feel better soon miss una...

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  12. Mucinex makes things come out of me that I wish didn't exist, let alone live inside me.

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  13. You're still very funny even when sick.

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  14. Anonymous7:45 AM

    Not sure which trajectory is worse. In our house our teenage son always gets sick first, followed by my husband, followed by me. So after exhausting myself pampering two sniffling, sneezing, grumpy guys, I am rewarded with their symptoms. On the other hand, my husband has to pamper me while he is still feeling grumpy and sniffly. Our son? Blithely accepts our pampering, generously gives us his germs, and then callously ignores our pain.

    Hope you both feel better soon.

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  15. I can't believe I'm about to be one of those awful people who are all "when you have kids" because I hate those people. . but seriously, enjoy the sick TV, because if you guys have kids, being sick SUCKS because the joy of sick television is RUINED FOREVER. This is the kind of information that no one tells you. OMG I'm such a jerk. Feel better and may there be some sort of Aaron Spelling festival on. .

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  16. Even on death's bed, you are one of the funniest people alive...

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  17. Um Sassy - you keep getting sick. Are you sure it's not all that candy? ;-)

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