Saturday, January 29, 2011

Curmudgeon of the Month: Katie of No Missed Opportunities

So, as you've probably noticed, I've fallen down on the job of posting a Curmudgeon of the Week. I should have known that I set the bar far too high, by which I mean, necessitating that I create actual questionnaires and engage in email correspondence and cut and paste things and write witty intros instead of, say, rambling incoherently or just making shit up, which is, really, my comfort zone. To those of you who have been waiting months to be featured, I'm sorry I'm so lazy, and I promise your turn will come eventually, hopefully before this blog collapses under the weight of its own irrelevance, or the Mayan calendar ends and the world explodes--whichever comes first.

Katie here got my attention by taking to her blog, No Missed Opportunities, to write me--ME!--an open letter. And you all know how much I love open letters (right, Jessica, you unrepentant whore?)--I even have one to Uma Thurman, aka The Bitch Who Ruined My Name, coming this week. So below, please find Katie's painful inner struggle over whether she deserves the COTW COTM title, as well as a gentle (and delicious) bribe.

I have been wanting to nominate myself as your curmudgeon of the week for ages. However, I refrain from doing it because I don't feel as though I can ever meet the standards of some of the other true curmudgeons you have published.

You see, I am only half curmudgeonly. [Ed note: Like an emotional centaur!!]

The surly side of me:

  • Hates when people decorate their cars for Christmas. Don't put a wreath on your grill, or I will put my fist in your face.
  • Is irate when people don't acknowledge me when I hold a door open for them. I never realized so many people were raised by wolves. Totally classless.
  • Cannot STAND Christmas music before December. Actually I firmly believe Christmas music was made only for Christmas day. Maybe Christmas Eve if I am feeling especially generous. Which I am NOT this year.
  • Is furious when people tell me to "smile" because "Jesus loves me." (Not that I have a problem with smiling or Jesus. I just don't like people telling me what to do.) Nope. Now I'm gonna frown more out of spite.
  • Unfriends people on FB that make inspirational quotes their status updates. I do not need to hear uplifting words from the stoner that ate staples on a dare and dropped out of school in 10th grade. Or from anyone for that matter.
  • Can hold a grudge FO-EH-VAH. (Rachel Brenna gave me head lice when she made me try on her ugly brown headband in 1st grade which was 25 years ago. Oh my God. 25 years ago?!? She better hope we don't ever meet up in a dark alley. Also, screw her for making me realize that 1st grade was a quarter of a century ago.)
See? Curmudgeonly, no? [Ed note: Yes! Golf clap!]


The other half could be described as a... a...

Happy-go-lucky sponge. [Ed note: Oh. Oh, no. Not...]

[Ed note: ...SpongeBob SquareButt! My irrational fear is overpowering. Why does he have teeth? Why God, why? Anyway, no judgment.]

That half of me:
  • Has a revolting need to be liked by everyone. It kills me when I find out someone doesn't like me.This is a crappy situation because then I become recklessly nice, which just makes that person dislike me even more.
  • Says things like "Alrighty then, buh bye now." when I end phone conversations.
  • Strives for the approval of my mother in law at any cost. EVEN spending whole days with her without her son around to mediate our conversations. A dangerous situation for both her well being and mine. I do it though, because God forbid she doesn't think I piss glitter.
  • Follows most rules placed by society no matter how inane they are and gets mad at people who don't do the same. The scoundrels.
  • Still actively listens to the Spice Girls, Hanson, and Vanilla Ice. On purpose.
  • Gives people wildly inappropriate and often embarrassing nicknames such as: Poodle, Pudding, Meow Meow, Lambie Pie, Picklebottom and worse... [Ed note: It's okay, Jeff calls me Poo Butt.]
I could go on and on here with the annoying stuff that nice Katie does, but I believe you get the point.

Just when it looks as if one side is about to win out over the other, the opposite side steps in and does something rash like:

Curmudgeon Katie: Collecting every cheese wrapper that my husband can't manage to throw away--even though the garbage can is about 6 inches from where he left the wrapper--and stuffing them all into his pillow case and under the sheets on his side of the bed.

Winsome Katie: Baking cookies or bringing in the mail for the next door neighbor (whom I hate with a passion) after her flavor of the week boyfriend breaks up with her.

As you can see, I am torn. Both these personality traits are there just bumping into each other and keeping me from being more one than the other. It's obnoxious, really.

I would very much like to be considered for your Curmudgeon of the week spotlight, even though I am not all curmudgeon. All the time.

Not that I have the audacity to ask you to make a special exception for me, but if Idid have the audacity, I would probably come up with some categories that youcould place me in if you were so inclined:

Curmudgeon Lite
Good Girls Gone Bad-ish
Wholesome Midwesterner/Semi Badass
Princess Beyotch

I'm just saying, is all.

Let me know what you think, ok Poopsiedoodlekins**?

Alrighty then. Buh bye now.

A fanatic,

**If this heartfelt letter doesn't convince you to let me be your COTW, and you would rather go the bribery route, I would be willing to send you...

Chocolate-covered potato chips.
Whatever. I'm not too proud.

[Ed note: You'll never know if she sent me the chips, will you?]


  1. You havea great blog here,so frank, funny and right to the point.Katie is indeed a great blogger,she is always so funny and jovial with her post.
    Great blog!!

  2. Now I *kinda* feel bad about calling you Poopsiedoodlekins.
    I just call you 'the Sass' at home and it always gets a reaction.
    Me: (to husband) guess who the Sass made Curmudgeon of the Month today?
    Him: what time is dinner?


    Thank you for posting this.

  3. Love it! If I nominate you the COTW do I get some chocolate covered chips? Cuz that would be awwwwshum!

    P.S...I call my Hubby "Yum-Yum" and "Honey Bunches of 'Oaks'", hence the title of my blog.

  4. I had read this on Katie's blog originally, but I loved reading it all over again! Katie, I think you're the perfect mix (although I don't know if Una will agree.. :P)

  5. go Katie you mad old brilliant buffoon!

    I'd apply for it too if I knew what a curmudgeon was

  6. Love the post. The Cheese wrapper thing had me rolling. I once collected all of my wife's empty toilet paper rolls and stuffed them in her pillowcase.

    I also turn into a tornado of anger every time someone places a bottle cap on the counter with the trash can right below it, and place the bottle opener on the counter above the drawer with the drawer open.

  7. I loved learning these new things about you, Katie! Hahaha!! I really loved "Picklebottom". A lot.

  8. Yes to Hanson! I think I need to download some right now. . .

  9. Anonymous1:41 PM

    I'm in the same boat Katie....only if you played Hanson on it, I'd throw you overboard in a heartbeat.

  10. You are killing me Katie! LOL!!!!


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