For the past few months, my BlackBerry Pearl has been in and out of comas. It all started when I accidentally dropped her in the toilet at a friend's housewarming party. One second she was snug in my back jeans pocket, and the next thing I knew she was drowning as I stood helpless, naked from the waist down.
CPR consisted of total dismemberment and frantic blowing.
I thought she was gone, and planned to go to T-Mobile for a replacement, but the next day as I was shoving quarters into the washing machine at the laundromat, she buzzed to life. The clock indicated that she had no memory of any events post-splash--probably for the best. I thought she was good as new, just maybe with a touch of PTSD. But she soon started having fainting spells. Nothing could revive her, not even SIM card massages or, as a last resort, repeated banging against the coffee table. No, she would simply fall asleep and wake up a few days later, her message light blinking as if to say, "How did I get here?"
I'm sorry to say, friends, that on Monday morning, while I was waiting for my turkey bacon sandwich* to be warmed to life at my local Starbucks, Pearl fell into another coma... one that would prove to be her last.
Who knows why she decided to pass on. Maybe she was sick of singing Barry White every time Jeff called. Maybe she flew into a jealous rage over what she assumed was my torrid affair with "Mr. Wonton," whom I have on speed dial. Maybe it was that fateful toilet bath.
All I know is that, until tomorrow when I finally get around to going to T-Mobile for a replacement, my life will never be the same.
*Speaking of breakfast sandwiches, there are still 10 days left to win a $100 Visa gift card from Jimmy Dean D-Lights**
**I'm sorry, Pearl, that was tacky, tacking that on to your eulogy. I'll make it up to you:
I-I-I-I-I-I-I can't get enough of your love babe
Girl, I don't know, I don't know why
Can't get enough of your love babe