Thursday, January 20, 2011

BlackBerry Singing In The Dead of Night

For the past few months, my BlackBerry Pearl has been in and out of comas. It all started when I accidentally dropped her in the toilet at a friend's housewarming party. One second she was snug in my back jeans pocket, and the next thing I knew she was drowning as I stood helpless, naked from the waist down.

CPR consisted of total dismemberment and frantic blowing.

I thought she was gone, and planned to go to T-Mobile for a replacement, but the next day as I was shoving quarters into the washing machine at the laundromat, she buzzed to life. The clock indicated that she had no memory of any events post-splash--probably for the best. I thought she was good as new, just maybe with a touch of PTSD. But she soon started having fainting spells. Nothing could revive her, not even SIM card massages or, as a last resort, repeated banging against the coffee table. No, she would simply fall asleep and wake up a few days later, her message light blinking as if to say, "How did I get here?"

I'm sorry to say, friends, that on Monday morning, while I was waiting for my turkey bacon sandwich* to be warmed to life at my local Starbucks, Pearl fell into another coma... one that would prove to be her last.

Who knows why she decided to pass on. Maybe she was sick of singing Barry White every time Jeff called. Maybe she flew into a jealous rage over what she assumed was my torrid affair with "Mr. Wonton," whom I have on speed dial. Maybe it was that fateful toilet bath.

All I know is that, until tomorrow when I finally get around to going to T-Mobile for a replacement, my life will never be the same.

*Speaking of breakfast sandwiches, there are still 10 days left to win a $100 Visa gift card from Jimmy Dean D-Lights**

**I'm sorry, Pearl, that was tacky, tacking that on to your eulogy. I'll make it up to you:

I-I-I-I-I-I-I can't get enough of your love babe
Girl, I don't know, I don't know why
Can't get enough of your love babe



  1. I'm sorry for your loss, Una. I'll light a candle in honour of your Pearl.

    I'm attached to my phone. I freaked out this morning when I thought I might have left it at the gym last night. False alarm; it was in my backpack. But the fear, oh, the fear!

  2. RIP Pearl.:'(

    My Pixi died a few weeks ago when my husband shoved her across the table. I have been weeping relentlessly ever since.

  3. My Pearl died from lemonade exposure. She acted in a similar fashion before her final demise.

    Did you know that the Pearl has been discontinued? I didn't. Well, not until I went in to get another one and they made me buy a Curve. However, I have found that I actually love my Curve even more than I loved my Pearl.

    Even though I dropped my Curve in the toilet (damn those back pockets!) about a month after I got her, she still works pretty well...I mean, I can make calls and text people. I can't actually access anything else that requires the use of that nifty blackberry button. But that's all you really need in a phone, right?

  4. I just don't have the words to describe my complete lack of emotion at this time.

  5. Anonymous11:22 AM

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  6. Let this be a lesson to all the kids out there, binge drinking (toilet water) is very dangerous. Anyways, it's ok, all BlackBerries go to heaven.

  7. RIP Pearl....she can never be replaced. :-(

  8. Sorry about Pearl, but on another note, all Blackberries are notorious for losing the little scrolly ball thing. You can get them replaced easily where ever you bought it.

  9. will she be cremated or buried?

    I have an award for you on my blog.

    go claim it.

  10. May I recommend an iPhone? I dropped mine in a full cup of coffee and it's still alive! Also, I have to ask: Did Pearl fall into a "clean" or "dirty" toilet? If yannow what I mean?

  11. I feel your pain. I experiencing the same emotions as my BlackBerry was kidnapped (and possibly murdered) last night.

  12. Total Dismemberment and Frantic Blowing sound like the names of bad cover bands.

  13. Actually, it kind of sounds like Pearl had a drinking problem. Classic blackouts. I know this is hard to admit, and sometimes those closest to the person with the problem have the hardest time seeing it. But seriously, Pearl is a drunk. I mean, I personally haven't fallen in a toilet since like. . high school.

  14. RIP Pearl ... the best cell phone eulogy I have ever read

  15. I don't have a cell phone... I know...the geeks at the Apple store asked me if I'm amish. But, I have thrown two perfectly good phones in the tub whilst giving the kids a bath. Not, dropped the phones in by accident, really threw them in when I was throwing in their tub toys. Good news though, my husband realized I probably needed a little more "alone time" sans kids after the incidents.

  16. Ok, I know this will sound weird but if you take the phone apart and put the parts in a bag of rice, it will work. It dries out the little parts or something. Two months, I did the exact same thing. Phone fell out of back jeans pocket. Then I peed on it because I didn't hear a splash and only noticed it when I went to flush and thought, "Wait, since when do toilets have lightbulbs?" Quick dash of the hand into the toilet bowl. Followed by this thought, "OMG I just stuck my hand in my own pee water!!" Followed by turning on the faucet and sticking the hand WITH the phone in it under the stream. Followed by, "WTF am I doing? My phone!" Followed by a mad dash to the bed where I collapsed from mental overkill. It was a very traumatic moment, I can assure you. Anyway, the point of all this is that even after THAT, I put the phone parts in a bag of rice for two days and have not had a problem since.

  17. I don't even own a cellphone, but I still got a tear in my eye. I suspect the jealous fit brought on by Mr.Wonton,lead to a jump into toilet-water. But a touching eulogy nonetheless


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