Friday, January 7, 2011

A Beard In The Hand Is Worth Two In The Bush... Wait, That Sounds Wrong

When I saw a beard chart on the Internet I was pretty excited. Since I spend all of my time reading celebrity blind items on E!, I have come to equate the word "beard" not with facial hair but with fauxmances intended to protect the homosexual proclivities of, say, John Travolta.

Some actors just love beards.

So I was hoping that "The Trustworthiness of Beards" would be a handy guide for closeted actors, with Taylor Swift on one end and maybe Randolph Scott, Cary Grant's "roommate" and shirtless exercise partner for twelve years on the other (in fairness, the general consensus is that Grant was bisexual).

Anyway, none of that matters because the chart turns out to be literal:

Click to enlarge--it gets much bigger I promise (and while I'm making an effort to make fewer "That's what she said" jokes in 2011, I would like to point out that one would go great inside of these parentheses.)

(P.S. I did not make this chart! Found it here.)

I've always trusted bearded men because my father always had one (in fact, growing up his beard was of the most trustworthy, far left variety). Jeff has also taken to growing his beard out in recent years. And while I mostly agree with these rankings, excepting the obvious bias against Colonel Sanders, Jon Waters, and Teen Wolf, it's not a perfect system. Case in point:

Also: no bearded ladies. Sexist! 

Maybe I should make my Taylor Swift chart after all. 



  1. I absolutely love the beard chart! Totally made my day.

  2. My Dad also had the trustworthy kind of beard so that's a relief. Thanks...I'd always wondered.

  3. Did you just say that all men with beards are gay? I've been accused of skim reading badly many times, but I'm fairly certain that's what you said. Thank goodness my hero - Randy Jones from the Village People - only had a mustache, and is therefore safe and straight.

    hey - you may or may not have just implied that Jesus was gay, you would probably be in big trouble for that one young lady if you had said it.

  4. No, no, Glen, I'm only insinuating that Jake Gyllenhaal is gay.

    The only connection between hair beards and sex beards is the word "beard." At least, until further studies are done. :)

  5. I would be very interested in seeing your beard chart. This one was ok, but I, too, find it flawed. The hubby (being Asian and all) can't grow out a full beard, and when he tries, it's spotty, which puts him all the way at the right (bad) end of the spectrum, when he probably belongs closer to the middle. (hey, I'm a realist)

  6. The problem with the beard chart is that it includes many things that are not beards.

    Mustache is not a beard.
    Sideburns is not a beard.
    Goatee is NOT A BEARD.

    A beard is a beard. It can be bushy, thin, long or short. But there is only one beard.

    And if your mustache doesn't connect to the rest of the beard, you are NOT MEANT TO GROW A BEARD. Shave. Now.

  7. To support your theory of beard being sex related. My youngest was showering with my hubby and asked him why his weiner had a beard. I can't see the word beard without laughing.

  8. Ashley12:59 PM

    In order to get a better visual on the disastrous Joe Jackson mustache, I went to Wikipedia where I was linked to an entry for “Joe Jackson, Sr. (Austrian clown)” who, coincidentally, sports a full beard and wears an expression that also lends doubt to the veracity of this chart.

  9. I am just not a beard person, but loved your chart, and taking the people I know into account very accurate

  10. I tried explaining the term BEARD as it is used above to my mom not too long ago.
    1. She didn't believe that people were actually using the term this way
    2. She had a hard time grasping the concept.
    (saying, "Well Katie, if these men are so GAAAAY why do they have girlfriends?")

    I should've known. She didn't believe me about Merkins either.

  11. Anonymous7:35 PM

    Does that chart say "mildy" instead of "mildly"?

    That's awfully close to "moldy." Which is pretty much what lesbians think of beards anyway (or so I hear).

  12. Just going along with the theme of beards, here's a really silly game for you to play in your spare time:

    It's a smidge dated (as you'll notice from the final question) but fun nevertheless!

  13. Kev D. is right. That chart should be the trustworthiness of facial hair. I never hear anyone talking about Hitler's beard.

  14. Anonymous1:31 PM

    For some reason, I'm totally attracted to the unsavory beards. And one of those dangerous beards looks a lot like Santa. I'm not sure I trust this source. I suspect this source may have been on Santa's naughty list.

  15. My pop got a Santy Claus beard! I've experimented much with me facial hair over the years but currently I got the Elvis wedge sideburns. Viva la King!

  16. When we were younger my sister refused to believe the pictures of my parent's wedding were of Daddy because he didn't have his beard. He recently dropped down to the goatee mustache combo and it seriously startled me how thin his face clue for decades. Loved the chart.

  17. i weaned myself off of saying "that's what she said" too much by replacing it with the phrase "that reminds me of my most recent sexual experience". worked like a charm.


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