Monday, January 3, 2011

Baby Got Back(handed Compliments)

Last week I caught Jeff checking out my ass as I was getting dressed. I was feeling pretty pleased with myself until he delivered his verdict:

"Yours is a butt that is destined to quit."

I think he meant it as a compliment. You know, like, Something so buoyant is doomed to fall. It's simple physics. I mean, imagine, if you will, if Sir Isaac Newton had just plopped himself beneath Kim Kardashian's hind-quarters instead of that apple tree. Same thing, just would have taken longer.

A friend told me recently that her father had once said to her, "There are tit men and there are ass men. You're going to attract a lot of ass men." It was the same kind of backhanded compliment (he could have just said, "You do not have large breasts," right?), only it came from her dad. So I guess I should count myself lucky that the inspector assessing my, erm, assets is my husband.

Besides, the laugh is totally going to be on him. When my ass finally does quit, pulling that "I've fallen and I can't get up" cord they install in old people's bathrooms, who do you think is going to have to take care of it?

Not me, I'll tell you that much. I can't even see it.

OMG, if it quits, how will I even know?

You guys, what if it's been playing, like, FarmVille on Facebook instead of working this whole time?


  1. Getting a butt compliment or even just a butt observation from ones father must be a bit creepy.

    The only observations my dad ever gave me was to tell me to eat a cheeseburger because I was too damn skinny.


  2. I am completely addicted to your "Scenes from a Marriage" and have even begun to think that way when things happen with my husband.

    Here is a scene from my marriage: (My Husband is Australian and believes it's okay to tell slightly off colored jokes)

    Bono was on a commercial for some Rock and Roll hall of fame DVD and the Hubs turns to me and says.

    "Do you think it's racially insensitive to tell Bono to go back to Africa?"

    Thanks for the laugh this morning Una! You Rock!

  3. i think you'll know it drops when you sit down to pee and your bum is in the toilet water.... BUMMER!

    i feel the same way! i look at pictures from when i was a teenager and then now, and think, "wow! i actually had a rumpus to wear in those black spandex pants...." (disregard the fact that i wore black spandex pants as a teenager.... those are dysfunctions that go way back to not having my father around as a young girl)

    anyway.... i'm certain you'll know when it "quits".... when you reach around to wipe it, and you can't.... so then.... nevermind.... i think you'll just know.... ;) i'm sure you've got a loooooong way to go... don't fret my pet!

  4. LOL this made me think of creepy Papa Joe Simpson going on and on and ON about Jessicas tatas..."They're Double D's..You can't hide them" or something hedious like that.

  5. Yeah, I don't know how I'd feel if my dad told me I'd attract a lot of ass-men, even though it's true.

    Having a nice ass is a good thing. It's more comfortable to sit on, for one. Plus, tit-men usually have mommy issues. That's what I heard, at least.

  6. The hubs and I were at the gap the other night spending our gift cards when I came out to model a shirt that had smething fun on the back... he said, "i definitely like the shirt more than the jeans."

    The jeans were mine. The ride home had a few tears and a little rum.

  7. My husband (of one hundred, twenty-seven years or thereabouts) used to describe me as a "sweet petite." (What can I say? I was small and blonde and perky in all the right places.) Now, he calls me "curvy." This is his nice way of saying "fat."

  8. ass men can be converted - when - ahem I mean IF - it quits just buy a sexy dominos pizza lady uniform and carry one of those bags with at all times - he'll be happy as Larry

  9. I have heard so many of those back handed compliments while pregnant. People just really don't think do they?

  10. I love this one, this one is always the best, ALWAYS:

    "Hey, you look tired."

    Really? Because I actually felt good until you laid that on me.

  11. Eventually your tatas quit first, they speak to you and say, "First thing you're going to do when you get home is release us from this bra." Sometime after that you'll know your butt has also quit when it chimes in with "And put me in those sweatpants."

  12. I was noticing my wife's butt yesterday (hell, I do that every day!) and said to her that it's "holding up quite nicely."

    I don't understand why she didn't take it as the compliment it was meant to be. I wasn't saying that everything else has gone to Hell -- I mean, she was bending over to pick something up and the situation just presented itself, for crying out loud.

    I don't get her sometimes...

  13. This completely upends my opinion of your husband. Funny and slightly insulting is never good when it's about your body.
    I'm sure you have a great ass. Even when it's old and wrinkly. He'll die before you anyway.


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...