So to give Una a break, I decided to do a special holiday edition guest post. I wanted to make it exclusively photos from our 80's and 90's Christmases, but after looking through old albums and boxes, I'm realizing why we were never one of those families who sent out holiday cards with large photos of their kids wearing Santa hats. Two major dilemmas:
#1: Before the age of 6, we were basically always naked. Our parents were probably afraid our Christmas cards would look more like holiday themed child pornography. Gross. That sounds really gross. I'm sorry. But seriously, we were NEVER wearing clothes(It makes sense now that we drew pictures of our family for our holiday party invites). I mean, Una is 6 years older than me, so by the time I was born she had started wearing clothing most of the time… but for reals mom and dad, why didn't you make us get dressed before posing in front of the tree? Its December, guys.
We must have had really good heat, because these days once December rolls around I have a long daily debate with myself about whether showering is worth the 5 minutes of freezing my ass off when I get out. Is this just me? I swear to god, I'm way dirtier in the winter solely because I am avoiding being naked for reasons of warmth.
There is a photo I sent to Una last week that I think she mentioned. She is maybe 3 years old, and she is posing in front of the Christmas tree pinching her own nipples. Here is the cropped and edited version: Hahahhhhhhh.
Then there is my favorite series where we are at my grandfather’s house in Rhode Island.
Now, I'm pretty sure my father’s parents have never been naked, but they (mostly) tolerated our liberal, New York, naked, breast-feeding toddler ways. Now as you can see, we both begin fully clothed. Una stays this way throughout the photos (good thing, because she's 11, and also, who could resist wearing that styling magenta sweater 24/7?), my grandfather is also thankfully clothed the whole time. I won't post the photos featuring him here (as old men with naked children are not usually well received) but to give you the visual, he’s rocking regular grandpa attire--golf cap, sweater vest, plaid pants and all--which leads me to believe it must have been rather chilly. Look, there’s a fire burning. Much like the burning desire of 5-year-old Zoe to strip down to nothing and take bare assed Christmas photos. I’m posing like it ain't no thang:
Una is also clearly psyched about this photo being taken.
I sit on people's laps, on the floor, in chairs, stick straight in front of grandpa's tree.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I do appreciate that we grew up in a house where nakedness was OK. Without it there would probably be no “Look in Butt.” I mean, can you imagine a world without fundamental childhood games like “Look in Butt”??? I’d like to take a moment to note that I never played “Look in Butt,”I was classier than that, which isn’t saying a lot, but still. I appreciate even more that our nudity wasn't a whole family kind of thing. Have you ever seen the ‘True Life’ episode "My parents are nudists"? To each his own, I guess (nah, that shit is weird… no one wants to see their dad carve a turkey naked, gah).
OK, I feel like this is becoming a creepy post. Let's move on.
Dilemma #2: When we got modest, we also got incredibly awkward. Thankfully there are no Christmas photos of me from age 12 and on, as I was too busy drinking Mike’s Hard Lemonade and writing about the profoundness of death.
This was the best one. And I don’t mean the funniest; I mean the one where we look most attractive.
In 1987 we got a few good ones. Though Una looks uncomfortable….
But really she was just jonesing to put on her
Oh, and here I am:
Just kidding! None of that ruffle shit for me, cause that Christmas I discovered reflective surfaces… and so ended my brief encounter with denim vests.
God bless us everyone. Merry Christmas!