Thursday, December 30, 2010

Sad English Wrinkle

Jeff and I saw The King's Speech last night. It was great, although trying to cure Colin Firth of his adorable stammer is like trying to burn Cindy Crawford's mole off with the head of a match, or trying to file down Tom Cruise's crazy, off-center saber-tooth so he looks slightly less like the insane man you saw on the B train yelling that his vagina was on fire.

Anyway.

The movie was great, but what I always look forward to the most are the previews. I LOVE PREVIEWS. You know those times when you're sitting in a movie theater and there are like an interminable number of previews, and every time the new green screen comes on people start groaning? FUCK THOSE GUYS. Previews RULE.

As I get older, I react to previews much in the same way my father does: I pantomime my opinion of the movie. If something looks good I nod, or give the thumbs-up sign to Jeff. If something looks sad, I feign weeping into my popcorn, my silent wails filling the theater. If something looks bad, I roll my eyes or pretend to projectile vomit all over the backs of the heads of the people in the next row.

Jeff has a different method: He summarizes each movie in three words. For example, after seeing the tender, dramatic preview for Blue Valentine, he leaned over and whispered "Vagina estrogen feelings." And then, after the preview for Mike Leigh's latest heartfelt Brit-flick, Another Year, he thought for a moment before deeming it "Sad English wrinkle."

Sad English Wrinkle*. Another fine band name. 2011 is looking pretty bright, folks. Pretty fucking bright.

*Although, would this confuse fans of The Rolling Stones? (Sorry, Mom.)
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12 comments :

  1. nothing wrong with English wrinkles - just ask my wife, badum tsh... plenty more where that came from... "I'm not saying my Mother in Law is fat but..." etc.

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  2. Vagina estrogen feelings is brilliant. Comedic genius.

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  3. There are 3 parts to every movie: The previews, the movie itself, and the discussion afterward.

    I'm pretty rockin' at Rock Band, so if you need a drummer for your new bands, I could help out as long as the drums are color coordinated.

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  4. No one would get confused because, as you well know, missy, the Rolling Stones are, and have been, the greatest rock and roll band in the world.
    Did I save your mother a phone call?

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  5. When you get a book deal, plzzzzz let Jeff write the prologue. Hilarious/genius.

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  6. Will you guys adopt me?
    Yes, I am older than both of you but whatever. Details...

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  7. We do the same thing when we go to the movies. My Hubby nods or shakes his head and I either smile, grin or make gagging noises. LOL.

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  8. I love previews! These days though, I find myself wondering if anybody is ever going to have an original idea again. Everything is a remake of an old movie, TV show, video game, or cartoon....

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  9. I think I will have to adopt your husbands approach to trailers. I'm a bit more like you, albeit more violent. When something looks good, I slap my neighbor repetitively. If it looks bad, I elbow them and them make the international sign for gagging (i.e. finger down the throat).

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  10. I also love movie previews! What I hate is the commercials we're now forced to watch after paying way too much for a movie ticket.

    When we went to see Harry Potter 7 (of all things) we saw a commercial for Glen Beck's show. My husband actually shouted "Fuck you Glen!" and threw a Recees Pieces at the screen.

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  11. I LOVE THE PREVIEWS! Although I'm not quiet about it like all of you. I tend to either say "YES!" in a loud, excited voice, or make an actual gagging sound (not just the sign). You know, when I think about that sounds like it might be annoying for other people. Good thing I'm me and not them.

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  12. I agree with Jeff on both counts, ESPECIALLY on "Vagina estrogen feelings."

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