Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Curmudgeon of the Week Kev D Wishes You A Happy Tuesday

I told you I'd bring back good ol' COTW, a favorite blogging device of mine since it allows me to show love to my readers and be lazy AT THE SAME TIME.

I decided I needed a man this time around. You know I love the ladies (and in eighth grade, the entire school believed I, um, really loved the ladies thanks to my butch haircut and penchant for oversize corduroys), but I've had eight women in a row now (that's what Wilt Chamberlain said!) and so I thought I'd throw a Y-chromosome into the mix.

Besides, Kev D. here made it easy for me to love him. Instead of filling out my questionnaire, he submitted a misanthropic missive to people who try to force merriment on hapless, unsuspecting days of the week. (Hint: He doesn't like them.)

Bonus points for his "Oh, hell no, bitch" face

Name: Kev D.
Blog:  Highway 10 Revisited

It all started off when somewhere, some lunatic first thought to themselves that “saaay, Friday is one day before Saturday, and boy oh boy does that ever make me happy”, figuring it was like some kind of a holiday to him. So he goes around wishing everyone a 'Happy Friday.' Wow, so witty and clever. This is the same joker who probably has a nickname for everyone he’s ever met in his entire life.

“What up [enter obnoxious nickname that only this person uses]?"

Long pause.

"[repeat obnoxious nickname but stretch out the final syllable and make the voice go higher and higher by at least three octaves]!”

You know, I bet they have a big fucking barbecue too, and always mention that they’re going to grill or golf or whatnot. They do real well for themselves, no doubt. They say shit like 'that's what I'm talking about' or 'you da man' or 'story of my life'. They’re named like, Karl or Travis, or Casey, or like Wendy. Well shit, the keener intern/temp/asshole from two cubicles down (the one who bakes cheesy doodles and marzipan hot buns for EVERYONE in the office every two or three days) picked up on this cheerful and awesomely fun behavior and started applying it to Mondays too. You know, to be ironical and/or cute or something. It wasn’t. It’s not. They’re not.

Telling someone that they have a 'case of the Mondays,' Office Space-style, is lame, but it isn’t nearly as lame as suggesting to “turn that frown upside down” and then bringing it all home with a big ol’ “Happy Monday!”

Seriously, fuck you. Turn your head upside down and stick it UP YOUR ASS WITH BROKEN GLASS. Now. Go back to the temp agency forever and ever please. Now. But hey, guess what? Happy Monday and Happy Friday just weren’t good enough for these happy office folk. It was only the beginning. This brings me to one dreadful Tuesday, when someone said unto me, ‘Happy Tuesday.' I don’t remember when it was, but I seem to remember taking a few personal days afterwards, understandably so. I even contemplated quitting. I wanted to set fire to my ears and never go back to the land of hearing.

“Well, enjoy the freshly baked lemon poppy seed jalapeƱo popper pizza bagel coffee cupcakes that I baked from scratch. They’re healthy and nutrasweet! Happy Tuesday!”

This is where we’re at now? Celebrating moments of time just for existing once a week? Obviously Wednesday and Thursday came next, and so now, we’re all pretty much fucked. Perky, chipper, screechy-voiced weenies are coming out of the woodworks wishing us all Happy Anyday and wanting to tell us about their weekends and plans and home renovations. What’s next you ask?

“Happy 5th of November everyone!”
“Happy dusk on a Sunday!”
“Happy Bathroom Break! Seriously, number one or number two?”
“Happy Which Conference Room is the Two O’Clock Meeting in this Afternoon??!!”
“Happy 3:17 PM Eastern Standard Time.”

What happens when their birthday falls on a Tuesday? Does their head explode when they try to process the joy at having two such gigantic things to celebrate?

“Happy… Tuesduh-Berrrthday- toomEEEeeEEEee HELP …. SYSTEM FAILURE…”

Explosion.

Dare to dream.

The only consolation is that these people probably aren’t happy at all, and that’s why they need to pretend that it being Tuesday is reason enough to throw a HAPPINESS PARADE. Guess what? It isn’t. You can be happy, and it can be Tuesday, but if ever you feel the need to say Happy [insert any day of the week], please stop for a minute, take a big deep breath, and jump out the god damn window.

That’s it. Happy Tuesday.
Share/Bookmark

20 comments :

  1. i just, i mean.. i feel like, in the grand scheme of things, maybe "happy tuesday" isn't something to raise your blood pressure over.

    but actually, i've wanted to shove coworker's body parts into paper shredders for less. so, i take that back. fuck them all.

    ReplyDelete
  2. 1) I'm so guilty of this, but usually in the "Oh Look it's 9:10 and I'm already developing a massive migraine from this bullshit. Happy Monday, Folks" ironic type way.

    2) In fairness, people Do celebrate the 5th of November. Hell, they wrote a friggin' POEM about it.

    ReplyDelete
  3. This drives me nuts as well! I'm all for finding random excuses to celebrate and eat baked goods. But I want to slap people when they post something about the day of the week as their facebook status, or insist on mentioning it at the workplace. Is Friday a novelty for them? Are they only a week old? It's not like it's not going to come around in another week. I too wrote a ranting blog on the subject a few months ago. Solidarity!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Maybe those people just have a stash of weed/gin/vodka at their cubicle and have a reason to be happy. Just sayin'.

    Happy Tuesday!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hey there Cola-Kev

    You know what you need don't you ?

    ... A big old slice of Smiley Cake - I'll save you a piece tomorrow (Or "Wild 'n' Cakey Wednesday" as we call it - well I do anyway, I think the others call it that too).

    In no time at all I'd have that cranky old duck's arse face of yours turned into a laugh a minute fun-times face like mine ALL week**

    Come on over and have some Cake at Billy-Bob's Bumper Bananas & Buns dot com, where the cakes never stop smiling.

    Your best mate - Billy-Bob


    **Except Sundays, when I sit at home alone crying.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Who planned this? The captcha is hiniz! Best. Captcha. Ever!

    Anyway, I like to bring baked goods to the office. But my motives are mainly manipulative. Like, "I baked you this tollhouse cookie pie - now do my bidding!"

    We have a happy guy in our office. Most days, everyone wants to beat him.

    ReplyDelete
  7. My favorite time when I was working was when I arrived early before anyone else and it was quiet.

    I hated the incessant talking and the busybodies who had to know every detail of your workday, life, childhood, dating life.

    I hated the TGIF's and Happy {whatever workday it was}. The person who I hated the most ...was the super happy the sun shines out my ass every morning and I sing and whistle and skip to get to work person. I am not a morning person and I LOATHE morning people.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Isn't the 5th of November about celebrating the assassination of heads of state and blowing up government buildings? Or was that V for Vendetta? Or was V for Vendetta inspired by the 5th of November?

    What were we talking about again? Gunpowder plots and co-workers? Gunpowder plots involving overly cheerful co-workers?

    ReplyDelete
  9. This was funny.

    But this curmudgeon seems so down I just want to bake him something.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hilarious. Must go read more from Kev D. Thanks for sharing a fellow curmudgeon with the rest of us.

    ReplyDelete
  11. There's no question that Kev D. is a curmudgeon! haha, I enjoyed his rant and do get a little annoyed when people say stuff like "Happy Friday" or "let's make this the best Monday ever!" but I've always been suspect of overly cheerful people.

    ReplyDelete
  12. The epitome of curmudgeony-ness!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Kerri6:52 PM

    I may be a horrible curmudgeon, but I think Kevin here took he easy way out submitting a post from his own blog. I like it, but I call BS.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I'm with you. Some fool at work makes a BIG project EVERY day of posting stuff like:
    "Monday, 12/6/2010
    It's Root Vegetable and Exotic Fruits Month"
    This is followed by the meetings or special stuff going on for the day.
    Then some ass writes something funny on the sheet and some other ass writes back and so on and so on until I gag.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Easy way out? I don't get it. But I guess being pissy makes you a good curmudgeon, so cheers to you and your pissiness.

    But thanks everyone, and thanks for the love, Lou.

    You do like to be called that right?

    ReplyDelete
  16. Hey! My name's Casey, and I do say "story of my life" and I just made coffee cake and took it to work today.... But I'm definitely not chipper and get told repeatedly at work that for every negative thing I say, I have to say 3 positive things...to which I say "suck it".

    ReplyDelete
  17. Unfortunately, here in the UK 5 November is a holiday. It's called 'November the fifth' (I've no idea why) or 'Bonfire Night' (because it is celebrated by piling stuff in a heap and setting fire to it). However, I'm not sure I've ever heard anyone wish anyone else a happy one - Brits are trained to be curmudgeonly from the cradle.

    ReplyDelete
  18. is it weird that i think i totally started this trend! no really, i was at work 2 years ago on a friday and i said Happy Friday, i even e-mailed every one and said "happy friday" and then everyone started doing it! so ummm, ya it was me, so not my fault its just... i um... really really like fridays? sorry MWA! happy day after hump day bitches ! :)

    ReplyDelete
  19. There's a intensely creepy employee that works at the corner 7-11 I stop by every morning (don't judge.) He works EVERY DAY. And every day, he wishes me "Happy Monday!" "Happy Tuesday!" etc. etc. But not only does he commit this offense, he shouts it at me from his creepster throne behind the counter. I hate it more than when he comments on my jewelery. But I need a diet coke every morning and I'm too lazy to go any further than the corner, so........

    ReplyDelete
  20. This Pisses me off. So. Much. What if I've just been diagnosed with a horrible disease? What if some madman just made off with my cello? Do you STILL think I'm having a happy Whatever-the-Hell Day it is? Because I believe you're SADLY mistaken. Kev D gets it, (which is awesome,) but why doesn't the rest of the world?

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...