I decided I needed a man this time around. You know I love the ladies (and in eighth grade, the entire school believed I, um, really loved the ladies thanks to my butch haircut and penchant for oversize corduroys), but I've had eight women in a row now (that's what Wilt Chamberlain said!) and so I thought I'd throw a Y-chromosome into the mix.
Besides, Kev D. here made it easy for me to love him. Instead of filling out my questionnaire, he submitted a misanthropic missive to people who try to force merriment on hapless, unsuspecting days of the week. (Hint: He doesn't like them.)
Bonus points for his "Oh, hell no, bitch" face
Name: Kev D.
Blog: Highway 10 Revisited
It all started off when somewhere, some lunatic first thought to themselves that “saaay, Friday is one day before Saturday, and boy oh boy does that ever make me happy”, figuring it was like some kind of a holiday to him. So he goes around wishing everyone a 'Happy Friday.' Wow, so witty and clever. This is the same joker who probably has a nickname for everyone he’s ever met in his entire life.
“What up [enter obnoxious nickname that only this person uses]?"
"[repeat obnoxious nickname but stretch out the final syllable and make the voice go higher and higher by at least three octaves]!”
You know, I bet they have a big fucking barbecue too, and always mention that they’re going to grill or golf or whatnot. They do real well for themselves, no doubt. They say shit like 'that's what I'm talking about' or 'you da man' or 'story of my life'. They’re named like, Karl or Travis, or Casey, or like Wendy. Well shit, the keener intern/temp/asshole from two cubicles down (the one who bakes cheesy doodles and marzipan hot buns for EVERYONE in the office every two or three days) picked up on this cheerful and awesomely fun behavior and started applying it to Mondays too. You know, to be ironical and/or cute or something. It wasn’t. It’s not. They’re not.
Telling someone that they have a 'case of the Mondays,' Office Space-style, is lame, but it isn’t nearly as lame as suggesting to “turn that frown upside down” and then bringing it all home with a big ol’ “Happy Monday!”
Seriously, fuck you. Turn your head upside down and stick it UP YOUR ASS WITH BROKEN GLASS. Now. Go back to the temp agency forever and ever please. Now. But hey, guess what? Happy Monday and Happy Friday just weren’t good enough for these happy office folk. It was only the beginning. This brings me to one dreadful Tuesday, when someone said unto me, ‘Happy Tuesday.' I don’t remember when it was, but I seem to remember taking a few personal days afterwards, understandably so. I even contemplated quitting. I wanted to set fire to my ears and never go back to the land of hearing.
“Well, enjoy the freshly baked lemon poppy seed jalapeño popper pizza bagel coffee cupcakes that I baked from scratch. They’re healthy and nutrasweet! Happy Tuesday!”
This is where we’re at now? Celebrating moments of time just for existing once a week? Obviously Wednesday and Thursday came next, and so now, we’re all pretty much fucked. Perky, chipper, screechy-voiced weenies are coming out of the woodworks wishing us all Happy Anyday and wanting to tell us about their weekends and plans and home renovations. What’s next you ask?
“Happy 5th of November everyone!”
“Happy dusk on a Sunday!”
“Happy Bathroom Break! Seriously, number one or number two?”
“Happy Which Conference Room is the Two O’Clock Meeting in this Afternoon??!!”
“Happy 3:17 PM Eastern Standard Time.”
What happens when their birthday falls on a Tuesday? Does their head explode when they try to process the joy at having two such gigantic things to celebrate?
“Happy… Tuesduh-Berrrthday- toomEEEeeEEEee HELP …. SYSTEM FAILURE…”
Dare to dream.
The only consolation is that these people probably aren’t happy at all, and that’s why they need to pretend that it being Tuesday is reason enough to throw a HAPPINESS PARADE. Guess what? It isn’t. You can be happy, and it can be Tuesday, but if ever you feel the need to say Happy [insert any day of the week], please stop for a minute, take a big deep breath, and jump out the god damn window.
That’s it. Happy Tuesday.