Monday, November 15, 2010

Texts From My Sister: Finding Fault With Fairy Tale Footwear

In this week's epic installment, Zoe proves why she is the perfect person to read bedtime stories to any child.

9 out of 10 podiatrists agree: You are a dumbass. 
Last night when I couldn't sleep, I thought a lot about the fact that Cinderella wore glass slippers...aka glass high heels. Whose fuckin' idea was that? That sounds like a good way to impale the soles of your feet at a big fancy party. I have broken stacked wooden heels; of course you broke your glass slipper, bitch. Your shoe was made of GLASS. It'd have to be really tough glass... and she'd have to weigh like 65 pounds. And have you ever worn shoes with clear plastic in them? Don't. Clear shoes make feet look like baby pig fetuses stuffed into jars half their size. We are disregarding the pumpkin carriage etc., as that has some practicality. Though it's gross to make tiny shirts for the rodents that live in your room.
Have I brightened your day? I will cover Sleeping Beauty and the ease of avoiding spindles tomorrow. ;)

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15 comments :

  1. Nothing has ever made me happier than this post.

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  2. LOL! Of course, and like many other things which we are unaware, there is mistranslation behind this tale. The slippers are actually made of FUR (leather on the outside). Of course, this image is (gasp) much more sexual.

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  3. Aww, but Cinderella is one of my favorites! I love her love of animals, who were her only friends because her stepmom locked her in an attic. If you were locked in an attic long enough you'd start talking to rodents and birds, too!

    haha, I seriously thought this was hilarious, though!

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  4. Weeeell, in the original story the shoe is made of pure gold (not much of an improvement), and the evil step-sisters hack off parts of their feet to make the shoe fit... and eventually have their eyes pecked out by the birds that helped Cinderella throughout the story.

    Also, the Ruby Slippers were originally silver...

    Anything else I can destroy for you?

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  5. They were "MAGIC" glass slippers! All 432 lbs of Ursula (shes the villain from Little Mermaid in case you arent up to date on all things Disney) wouldn't have been able to break them. You know, if she had feet instead of a tail. And one more thing, Gus the shirted chunky mouse ROCKED!!! Oh, favorite Curmudgeon, this blog post is why I've no doubt you would have been an evil stepsister! Albeit a funny, have us in stitches, stepsister...

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  6. I always wondered why the slipper didn't break too. Zoe never fails to make me laugh.

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  7. Cinderella was not weighed down with guilt and shame like the rest of us. However, she should have been heavy with Disney's anti-semitism.

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  8. Feet in glass shoes would look like little pig fetuses! Ick! Also, I agree that you'd have to be like 65 lbs to wear them without breaking them. She has a lot of really valid points. :)

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  9. Thank you! So funny.. Cinderella was a dumb bitch.. If only I could tell your version of the story to my 6 year old... aaaahhh, if only!

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  10. funny stuff, i think i'll send this to my sister actually

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  11. Um, yes. You've brightened my day.

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  12. I haven't thought of the baby pig fetuses aspect.

    I like that in the ballet Cinderella they always use male dancers to play the role of the step sisters.

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  13. Claudia2:13 PM

    Julia Ergane was right. The glass portion of the tale was a mistranslation of fur; apparently they sound very similar in French. The shoes were made of squirrel fur, if memory serves.

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