So help me with this one, pretty please? It'll be fun! And then we can read it back to each other and snarf our thermos-fuls of Sprite and do each other's hair while we play M.A.S.H. and watch Willow*.
*Okay, now I'm actually really sad that we can't do this. Madmartigan was hawt.
Anyway. Here goes.
"SCENE FROM A __type of relationship__"
Scene: ______day of week___________. Jeff and I are in the _________room in house______. I have on _____ridiculous/pathetic item of clothing or unsavory acne-fighting product_______.
Me: ________inane question___________?
Jeff: _____bemused retort_____________.
Me: Whatever, Martha. You’re just __adjective____.
Jeff: _____sounds like the teachers from Peanuts_______.
Me: Twat? I’m sorry, I cunt hear you. I think I have an ear infucktion.
Jeff: ____line that’s funny but not as funny as me because I AM THE STAR OF THIS BLOG____.
Me: ___last word, preferably involving reference to the Jersey Shore and/or a Little Debbie brand snack cake__.
"SCENE FROM A Cousin"
ReplyDeleteScene: Sunday. Jeff and I are in the bathroom. I have on Harem Pants.
Me: Where's the wine?
Jeff: Under the sink, where it always is.
Me: Whatever, Martha. You’re just drunk.
Jeff: Whaa whaa whaa whaa whaaaaa whaaaa wha.
Me: Twat? I’m sorry, I cunt hear you. I think I have an ear infucktion.
Jeff: I said that we have to stop drinking so much on a Sunday morning. We're starting to look pathetic to your blog readers.
Me: Psh. You're nutty bars. Now reach behind the Draino and get me a glass of Chardonnay.
Holy hell! I forgot about Willow. I love that movie. I'm sad now that I can't watch it.
ReplyDeleteOMG, TB -- you have skills. Can you be my ghostwriter?
ReplyDelete@cbs111: For real. At least now I gave you totally awesome weekend plans.
I was pretty proud of it myself, until I realized I made it "scenes from a cousin", which makes no sense. Oh well! Glad you liked it! :)
ReplyDeleteSCENE FROM A __ functioning life__"
ReplyDeleteScene: Friday.
Jeff and I are in the HALLWAY. I have on parachute pants and pirate shirt.
Me: Did you know that Obsession is the most requested boat name_?
Jeff: Why? Did you buy a boat?.
Me: Whatever, Martha. You’re just obtuse.
Jeff: Yes, mam I can spell obtuse. Waah-wahhh-waaaah-waahhh-waaaahh-waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah ptthhhhht.
Me: Twat? I’m sorry, I cunt hear you. I think I have an ear infucktion.
Jeff: Tits! OK, I’ll Finger it Out.
Me: I have a bad habit of playing little emotional games with men. When they date me it's cool in the beginning, we do our thing in the first month, and then I send them on a rollercoaster ride to hell.
[i had to play]
Um, I was going to respond, but the first comment kind of kicked any creativity of mine in the ass.
ReplyDeleteSCENE FROM A GAY ORGY
ReplyDeleteScene: Purim. Jeff and I are in the secret basement laboratory. I have on Sea Breeze astingent and tie-dyed army print culottes.
Me: What's the name of that ugly ass hooker on Jersey Shore?
Jeff: Uh, hello? They're ALL ugly ass hookers, dontchaknow.
Me: Whatever, Martha. You’re just blowsily passe.
Jeff: Wawp wawp, wawp wawp wawp. Wawp wawpwawp wawp waaaawp!!
Me: Twat? I’m sorry, I cunt hear you. I think I have an ear infucktion.
Jeff: Is that a purple pube on your shirt?
Me: Yes. It belongs to your cousin, Lil Ho Ho!
LOL This was fun!! You should do one of these once a week...;)
ReplyDelete"SCENE FROM A superhero versus reformed stripper relationship fallout"
ReplyDeleteScene: A crap day of week - the it's even worse than monday!!! . Jeff and I are in the most unsafe room in house______. I have on yet more ridiculous/pathetic superhero Y-fronts which are only good for fighting acne.
Me: Why did I revert from G-stings to G-fronts?
Jeff: Look you dumb blonde, they're Y-fronts
Me: Whatever, Martha. You’re just pant-ist.
Jeff: Stop bleeting. You sound like my old teachers telling me to stop scratching my Peanuts.
Me: Twat? I’m sorry, I cunt hear you. I think I have an ear infucktion.
Jeff: Like an accidental line of coke that’s funny but not as funny as me because I AM THE MAN TO SAVE THE WORLD and thus could't give a flying backflip about your ears.
Me: I would retort to that but my English ways have left me bereft of any knowledge of cool societal crutches such as shortcakes.
"SCENE FROM A DISCO MOVIE"
ReplyDeleteScene: Hump Day
Jeff and I are in the bathroom.
I have on short-shorts and go-go boots.
Me: Are you a woman's man, no time to talk?
Jeff: Since I was born.
Me: Whatever, Martha. You’re just feelin' the city shakin.
Jeff: Ah ha ha ha.
Me: Twat? I’m sorry, I cunt hear you. I think I have an ear infection.
Jeff: Got the wings of heaven on my shoes.
Me:That is just fucked up .
"SCENE FROM A Polygamist Marriage"
ReplyDeleteScene: Friday
. Jeff and I are in the "family" room. I have on overalls and a homemade avocado facial mask.
Me: Do you know how babies are made?
Jeff: It's only my favorite hobby.
Me: Whatever, Martha. You’re just a player who marries his hoes.
Jeff: Wa waa, wa waa, wa waaaaa.
Me: Twat? I’m sorry, I cunt hear you. I think I have an ear infucktion.
Jeff: Don't speak like that or the children might copy you at the homeschool co-op, and if they get kicked out you know what that means....
Me: Noooo! There would all my time for gym, laundry, and tanning!!!!
SCENE FROM A MARRIAGE BETWEEN COUSINS
ReplyDeleteScene: Sunday after church. Jeff and I are in the bedroom. I have on pasties with tassels and a sparkly bikini bottom.
Me: Should I swing them to the right or to the left?
Jeff: Hon, you could put an eye out with those, and I don't mean the tassels.
Me: Whatever, Martha. You're just jealous because mine are bigger than yours.
Jeff: Waaa Waaa Waaa Waaa.
Me: Twat? I'm sorry, I cunt her you. I think I have an ear infucktion.
Jeff: Actually, mine are bigger.
Me: We should talk about that, mood killer. I need some Little Debbie cakes.