Friday, November 19, 2010

Scene From A Marriage: Grape Expectations

Jeff and I have both had crappy weeks. He's been overworked and under-appreciated, while I've been phlegmy and under-showered.

So when he showed up after work with flowers, it was extra romantic because I was in my underpants on an exercise ball trying to work my core without choking on my cough drop while waiting for America's Next Top Model to download on iTunes.
I promptly displayed them in our most exciting vase.

But wait! There's more!

Jeff: I also got you this... [lifts bottle of wine from bag]
Me: Awww.
Jeff: And this... [presents a Rocky Road bar, Chick-o-Sticks, and a handful of Mary Janes]
Me: OMG! I did the same for you, except without the flowers. It's like the gift of the Magi!

I show Jeff the bottle of wine I bought on the way home, and Petit Écolier cookies, the kind with the chocolate on top of the biscuit with the little schoolboys engraved on them.

Jeff: You know how I love schoolboys!

(Jeff is always trying to come out to me and I refuse to let him. True story: Right after we got married, we had our recessional and then got ushered into a little room to have a few minutes together before entering the reception area. I looked at Jeff. Jeff looked at me. We clasped hands. He said, "I'm gay." Jealous, ladies?

Anyway, I ignore him and turn my attention to the wine.)

Me: Let's open yours first, since it has a screw top!
Jeff: It's a Malbec... I got it because you like that.
Me: I have no idea what mine is. I got it because the guy at the wine store was having a tasting, and I felt awkward not buying it after I drank two Dixie cups.
Jeff: There's your blog for tomorrow. (I know--this is so meta it is totally blowing your mind right now.)

He is making fun of the fact that I feel obligated to spend money on things I do not want or need, like the time I answered the door expecting my Thai delivery man and instead found a canvasser for the New York Public Interest Research Group, who implored me to donate the minimum amount of $64... and I did. (In my defense I was confused... and hungry.) Or the time I got drunk and bought a monogrammed whiskey decanter just because I had a Pottery Barn gift card. (What? I was drunk! Someday I will use it or gift it to my nemesis, Uma Thurman.)


  1. you guys are so great. i feel like awesome husband and i might be a non-grown up version of you and jeff. instead of wine, we drink beer and pina coladas (or margaritas. or daquiries. but whatevs) and instead of photography and professional writing and shit like that, we play video games and watch cartoons.

    we're both 30.

    at least i now have hope that if we do grow up, we can still be awesome. like you two.

  2. When I was in Nantes I took far too many pictures of the LU factory and the little schoolboy. He is so delicious.

  3. Next time take a third dixie cup of wine, spit it out and say "Wait a minute, is this alcoholic wine?" and then run out crying.

    That's what I do.

  4. Again, I am giggling almost to the point of falling off my exercise ball. Yes, I use it as a chair at my computer table . . . getting core work and a good laugh at the same time! And, it's great for your lower back. OK, tmi . . . you may not want to try it holding a cup of wine.
    (word verif = "busalti"? A square cracker like buscotti?

  5. Sigh. Y'all are adorbs.

    Gift of the vagi.

    PS- My word verification on this comment is "bacitoma." WTF!!!! Scary.

  6. I once donated $75 to the Clean Water fund because it was freezing cold out and the guy at my door said he had to stay out until he reached his quota, which guessed it, $75 more dollars. That's what I told BigB, anyway. Really, I donated $75 because he was an organic farmer and super hot. I had visions of visiting his veg stall in the summer and he would remember me and give us free tomatoes. Organic tomatoes.

  7. If there was only a way to clone the gay guys with our husbands...the best of both worlds. But if yours jokes about it, he must have a great feminine side. Don't let him go.

  8. Chick-o-Sticks, oh yeah!!!

  9. i have TOTALLY felt OBLIGATED on more than one occasion to spend money on stuff i didn't want OR need....

    ^Pat is guilty too.... did you tell her about your thousands of dollars vacuum cleaner?? yeah... he should.... that thing weighs more than i do.... but it'll suck the shit out of anything.... kind of like a hooker, but it's a vacuum....

  10. Anonymous4:26 PM

    A few years ago, my husband was freaking out over some upcoming surgery, so his doctor put him on Zoloft. He pledged so much money to so many charities, that I believe that the charities were passing his name along....

  11. I'm finally responding to comments--are you shocked? I love you guys. Sorry I've been such a lazy bitch.

    @steph gas: We're 30 too, and not grwon up at all, although I totally understand if you think we're like 60 based on our old-people pastimes and strange maladies. It always touches me to know other couples relate to us and think we're cool. We are not at all cool. But we're definitely perfect together (as I'm sure you guys are!)

    @Amie: He IS delicious. The other night I ate like eight of them with a glass of milk while watching Funny Farm. Best night ever.

    @Kev D.: You're a genius.

    @Joanne: You are a better woman than I. I can't balance on a ball to save my life (and yes, that's what she said).

    @Meghan: I gave Jeff the gift of the vagi later, if you know what I'm saying. TMI! Man, I'm slap-happy right now.

    @Chickens: I am a total sucker for sob stories AND hot farmers. You did the right thing.

    @Judy: Yes, Jeff is a keeper. Although a lot of women in my family have unwittingly married gay men, so his teasing is kind of mean.

    @Pat: I know. Soooooo good.

    @Ashley: Hahaha. Is this vacuum cleaner encrusted with diamonds?

    @Anonymous: I do the same thing when I'm drunk. Except instead of giving to charities, I give to Zappos.

  12. I love your little snippets on conversation! Feel better and drink up some hot toddies!

    As for buying stuff you don't need, being broke really helped me on that one. Though sometimes I have to snap myself with a rubber band so I don't blow my check on cardigans and other crap.

  13. There is something to be said for dating/marrying a gay man. Mine is part gay. I allow him to embrace it. Y'know, except for sex with other people (guys OR girls). I do not condone that.

  14. Ah, phlegmy work outs.
    You could use your whiskey decanter to hold the ingredients to make aforementioned toddies?

    Feel better.

  15. well aren't you two adorable

    when its time to give a gift you really can never go wrong with wine

    unless he/she is an alcoholic

  16. Hey, thanks to Anonymous, I now know why I hand money to just about anyone who comes to our door. It's the Zoloft! I bought $100 worth of cleaning products, $20 of inedible popcorn, etc., etc. Just last week I gave $5 to some cause just because the earnest young man was kinda hot. Oh, I mean, just to encourage his enthusiasm for community organizing.

  17. It isn't a good time unless there's a core ball present.

  18. Love The Gift of the Magi reference. I said last Christmas was going to be our Gift of the Magi Christmas to my boss at work. I think everyone has read and maybe at some point can relate to the story.

  19. you guys are like the cutest couple from the way you talk.i toaly love reading your blog.he seems like a great catch dont let him go if you know whats good


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