Friday, November 5, 2010

Notes to My 16 Year-Old Self

As a general rule, I don’t base blogs on topics that are trending on Twitter. If I did, Justin Bieber would feature much more prominently, as would etiquette lessons—based on the hashtag “don’t act like”—and fun lists like #thingsthatwillgetyouslapped (which, incidentally, would include #dontactlike #JustinBieber).

But yesterday I noticed that people were Tweeting advice to their 16 year-old selves, and I couldn’t resist.

(Note to my future children: These also apply to you.)

-Are you milking a cow? Are you painting a house? No? Then take off the overalls. If Angela Chase couldn’t rock them, no one can.

-The boy you want to go to prom with is gay.

-Speaking of prom, do not wear this much makeup. Twilight is still 10 years away.

Best part of this photo: The fact that my head is perfectly aligned with the vaginal opening of my mother's artwork behind me.

 -Also speaking of prom, try not to spend the entirety of the after-party in a hammock drinking Peach Schnapps. This may seem like a no-brainer, but wait until you’ve had three Zimas in the limo.

-Which reminds me, don’t drink Zima. It’s the alcoholic equivalent of Crystal Pepsi and you’re better than that.

-Consider rethinking your Billy Joel yearbook quote.
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20 comments :

  1. Anonymous12:36 PM

    Funny blog as always but now I'm curious about the picture behind your head :)

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  2. psychsarah1:18 PM

    I have to ask-what was the Billy Joel yearbook quote?

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  3. @Anonymous--My mom is an artist who focuses on organic shapes like plants and flowers. Think Georgia O'Keeffe but less literal and more edgy.

    @psychsarah--FINE. :)

    "She was a nice piece of music/
    She had a rhythm all her own"

    It's a lyric from "Christie Lee," which is not even a good song.

    I. Die.

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  4. Crystal Pepsi.
    Most horrible/wonderful thing ever created in my opinion.

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  5. Crystal Pepsi didn't taste so good, but I loved the commercials. Every time I hear Van Halen's "Right Now", it still takes me back to that commercial, when I was in 7th grade.

    You do look rather ghostly in that picture. Your dress sort of blends with your skin. Red would have been a better choice, but maybe you hadn't found your signature color yet.

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  6. I love this idea. Can I steal it since you kind of stole it anyway? I have a lot to say to my sixteen-year-old self!

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  7. All of these are fantastic. This was one of my favorite trends.

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  8. Haha! Which Billy Joel lyric did you use? "We didn't start the fire?" or "Only the good die young?" I would have chosen the latter, but instead I used some sarcastic Kafka quote.

    Love the prom pic. Very goth.

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  9. ha, thats hilarious stuff there

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  10. boo. every billy joel song is a good song. i actually have not only a billy joel quote in my yearbook, but a quote from rocky horror picture show and animaniacs.

    i also thought it would be a good idea to have my entire senior yearbook page be about my boyfriend at the time.

    yeah. not such a good idea.

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  11. I'll bet there's tons of tweets going out to 16 year old selves about the hazards of drink.
    Mine would mention something about living with horrific memories unless you stay away from Sloe Gin, Boones Farm Strawbery Hill, and for that matter anything red or anything mixed with anything red.
    My prom advice would be to ask someone, anyone, anyone who is NOT your mother, if that bridesmaid dress from your cousins wedding is really ok for prom.

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  12. Christie Lee IS a bad song. And I don't think any girl can make it through high school without at least one photo of herself with some ghastly light makeup. Sadly, I have more than one...

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  13. I always regret the outfit. Doesn't matter what the occasion, what I was wearing, or how great I thought I looked, ten years later I hang my head in sorrow and shame when I see the photo.

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  14. Zima is a bit classier than Smirnoff ICE. I miss it for some reason.

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  15. All very sound pieces of advice Sassy.
    PS. I did go to prom with a gay guy.
    We dated prior to prom, he cheated with a guy, we remained friends, went to prom together because we would dress to match and have nice photos. All in all, a good time.

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  16. I don't remember going to my prom! It may have been too traumatic for me to recall.

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  17. I think I must have your mom's artwork. I will then have my photo taken in front of it, of course, and blow it up, frame it, and send to my kids. I am desperate for new ways to embarrass them.

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  18. Anonymous6:31 PM

    Hilarious post! love the Billy Joel bit, and wish i had thought of it--and don't feel bad, I have the same regret, except my quote was probably Pink Floyd, which is--in some ways--more embarrassing than Billy Joel.

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  19. I can't say Zima without throwing up a little in my mouth. So gross. So many bad memories.

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  20. I think there's something mechanism in the brain that means that peach schnapps only seems like a good idea until you are old enough to drink legally.

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