Wednesday, November 10, 2010

I Thought Of It First (You Are Welcome, Delta)

Over a year ago, my friend Amy and I thought about making a book of inventions and ideas we wanted to claim rights to but were too lazy to actually produce. We were going to call it "I Thought Of It First."

We never got around to writing said book (although we did think of it, so technically it's perfectly in keeping with our plan), but we made a Twitter feed... that we kept up for about a month:

I've spent past year, since my last great idea, for the ThuttBuster, hoping that inspiration would strike once again.

Well, friends, that day has come. 

Dear Delta Airlines,

I have an awesome idea. An idea that will make you bajillions of dollars. And I am writing it down now so that you can’t steal it from me.

Hire Delta Burke as your spokesperson.

You heard me.

Suzanne Sugarbaker will be your version of the Old Spice guy. It will be more viral than John Mayer after a weekend in Vegas.
All you have to do is put Delta on a nearly flat plain of alluvial deposit between diverging branches of the mouth of a river (a delta--get it?) and have her say something funny.

Like, “I’m on a delta. Now I’m on an ill-conceived 1992 sitcom that is totally a rip-off of Reba. Now I’m back on Delta--the plane, not the riverbed. It’s a lot cleaner. And I can watch my favorite show--you’d think it would be Designing Women, but actually, it’s Ice Road Truckers.”

I know what you’re thinking. Delta had some plastic surgery lately and now she kind of looks like Connie Chung. But to that I say, first of all, this woman married Major Dad. The fact that you question her decision-making is offensive. Also, there have been rumors that she’s going to guest star on Modern Family, so you’d better snap her up before she blows up.

DO IT NOW, DELTA!!!! Do it before JetBlue gets wise and hires Joan Jett and Corbin Bleu! (Which, by the way, I also thought of first, suckas.)



  1. BRILLIANT!!!!! I LOVE IT!!!

    The only I Thought Of It First Idea I'll be able to lay claim to is if Molson and the makers of Guitar Hero team up for "Guitar Hero: Molson Canadian Rocks Edition."

    I'm still waiting with baited breath for that one. *air guitars 'The Spirit of Radio*

  2. I think it'll work! I'd buy a Delta ticket if I had the cash. You should consider writing that book, I think it's a great idea. Seriously. I can see it now, on the shelves at an Urban Outfitters!

    Ice Road Truckers is one of my favorite shows.

  3. Delta needs help. Serious, serious help. I just flew the last leg of a three plane, 24-hour travel time deal (Okinawa to Florida) and somehow, the bathrooms smelled worse boarding the 2-hour long Delta flight from Detroit to Miami than they did after the 14-hour trip (on Asiana) from Incheon, ROK to Detroit. And if you've ever shared a bathroom with a Korean (like from Korea, don't hate, I did it for years, I speak from experience), they can stink up a toilet like no one else (it's the kimchee). Delta did not. service. the. bathrooms. The flight attendants were horrified and called and called, but no one was willing to do anything. I ended up spraying hand sanitizer around just so I could breathe something other than feces.

  4. Wow... so many comment ideas I don't know where to begin.

    First of all, ever since I knew that there was an airline called Delta, I've always associated it with Delta Burke. I suppose my mother was just that big of a Designing Women fan.

    Secondly, thank you. I had to google: "Delta Burke Surgery" and was astonished and amused at what I found. You are right, good sir, er, madame.

    Lastly, one drunken night in Mexico, a best friend and I decided it was absolutely vital to write in our diaries. I wrote (or scribbled, really) about not being able to find a pen. But then I found one! Only it was Mascara. Later in the ramblings, occupying half a page, were the words in big, bold mascara letters: DELTA BURKE!!!. To this day, neither one of us has any idea what that was about. Thought I would share.

  5. Thank you for this, I needed to giggle. Also, I think both of your spokesperson ideas are fab and should be implimented immediately!

  6. Your genius knows no bounds. Now copyright these ideas, stat!

  7. Ah, it's good to laugh.

  8. I had to look up Delta Burke to see where she has been since Suzanne Sugarbaker.
    All I can say is that I am very glad I am not Delta Burke, even if Major Dad always seemed like good second husband material and I could kindasorta use one of them.

  9. Wait, I forgot to add...
    I am completely behind your denim line. Having to wear a spanks type garment under jeans is very depressing on so many levels. I hate having to avoid hugging on those spanks days for fear that someone will feel it. day one of kids in my class (removed from their families for all the usual reasons so theres hugging now and again) asked me if I was wearing stockings under my clothes.
    I lied and said yes because I was cold. Smart, right?

  10. Anonymous3:59 PM

    And before Virgin airlines snaps up Madonna. snicker. Then again, if your theory is correct, Old Spice should have picked up Spice Girls, which would not have been nearly as fun. Well, for me, anyway.

  11. hahaha I love the idea for Delta.

    I just found your blog, and I'm definitely hooked! (I was going to say, "I'm your new follower", but that seemed a bit creepy)


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