Monday, November 22, 2010

Disgusting Foods Associated With Thanksgiving That I Would Still Totally Eat

That post on cock soup yesterday really whet my appetite, and got me thinking about this coming Thursday, a glorious day on which Americans are encouraged to consume as much as humanly possible (okay, well, that used to be a novelty) while watching inflated Simpsons characters bump into skyscrapers and drinking to avoid feeling bad about what we did to the Pequot Indians*.

*Contrary to the warm, fuzzy Pilgrims + Indians 4EVA stories we learned in gradeschool, in Connecticut "thanksgiving" was celebrated after a successful attack on the natives, and their decapitated heads were reportedly kicked through the streets of Manhattan. Try eating a guilt-free dinner roll now.

Anyway, I started fantasizing about the grossest, most gluttonous creations we've have managed to come up with so as to consume as many calories as possible in one sitting... and, subsequently, coming to terms with the fact that I would totally put all of these in mah belleh.

TURDUCKEN


Ah, the turducken. Edible poultry nesting dolls that celebrate our right to stuff birds inside of other birds and then eat them so that we form the fourth layer... a Homoturducken, if you will (homosapien, people). I don't actually like duck, but how can I say no to such a pornographic protein explosion?

PUMPPLECAKE


Pumpplecake, the dessert version of the turducken, if you will, is new this year, and the only thing I need to know is, Where have you been all my life, sugar tits? Your eyes do not deceive you--this is a two-layer cake with two different kinds of pie baked in, plus what looks like enough icing to kill a Shetland pony (and Shannen Doherty, if she happened to be posing next to it at the time).

Rounding out this trio of triple bypass goodness is...

TURKEY CAKE


This can be viewed as a kind of wedding of the previous two--while it appears to be a cake, this entire thing is actually constructed of savory Thanksgiving staples. The top and bottom layers are ground turkey; the middle layer, stuffing. The "frosting" is mashed potatoes and the topping is yams and marshmallows.

(Okay, so that last one does kind of trigger my gag reflex, but it's a psychological trap. It only looks like ground meat covered in buttercream. And even that, if I'm being honest, would not be a deal-breaker. Of course, it would all depend on the potency of the peyote.)
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23 comments :

  1. I know it's not a Thanksgiving food, but all of these are missing one key ingredient: bacon. Then again, most foods that are not bacon could use more bacon.

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  2. I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth...
    I guess the peyote has totally worn off, or else it's in full force and I'm hallucinating!

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  3. Wow. I have to hand it to the "inventors." Sometimes you just don't know you need something SOOOOO badly until it's right there in front of your face. Pie within cake? Genius! But Mashed Potato Icing...Heaven!

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  4. You know you've reached a low point in your life when you pick up a fork, shove a big mouthful of three different meats into your mouth, and realize that they are all taken from one huge disgusting dish that manages to incorporate the word "TURD" in it.

    It has GOT to be hard to eat Turducken and not seriously think to yourself "I'm seriously just a huge human piece of shit."

    That being said, I look forward to deep fried Turducken this year.

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  5. Anonymous9:37 AM

    They forgot cranberry sauce on the turkey cake. I'm sorry but I just can't have my turkey layer cake without cranberry sauce.

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  6. Nothing like pie baked into a cake. It's a good way to defeat the pie vs cake debate.

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  7. I have to admit, while I'm outwardly horrified by the Turducken, I tried some at the BF's family Thanksgiving last year. It was pretty damn good. Especially the stuffing, infused with the triple-poultry juices.

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  8. I'm drooling a little..
    Also, I'm kind of a fatty. :]

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  9. What better way to show the animal kindgdom who's boss than to lord it over them by making matryoshka dolls of them?

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  10. i spy with my little eye...rainbow sprinkles???

    cut me a slice.

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  11. I can one up your Pummplecake with a Cherpumple...THREE layers! Cherry pie baked into a white cake, Pumpking pie baked into a yellow cake, and Apple pie baked into a spice cake. Google it. There are pictures.

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  12. Wow. Those recipes even shock me and I'm from Ohio where people serve mashed potatoes, noodles and macaroni and cheese at one meal. We also like recipes with cream cheese and cool whip. I personally have 10 packages of cream cheese in preparation for Thanksgiving. You can't take Ohio out of the girl.

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  13. I love food stuffed into other food. There should be a show on the Food network fully dedicated to this.

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  14. Una, I love you in this moment. I'm in charge of dessert, and I just couldn't decide what to make this year. And now I have it. Pumpplecake! Mmmm, pumpplecake...

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  15. Something may be wrong with me, because the only one of those that really grosses me out is the Pumpplecake. The other two look mighty tasty!

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  16. What sort of beverage should you serve with a dessert stuffed inside of another (Or a dessert on the outside of another?} I would think that a pousse-cafe would be in order, as long as I didn't have to make it!

    Layered drinks are tedious, and often run afoul during the layering process.

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  17. They all sound disgusting and delicious.

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  18. k, I'm so going to attempt to make that last one!!

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  19. My funny and disgusting T-giving story is: my BIL and 2 friends have a T-day contest tradition: who can gain the most weight on Thanksgiving day? There is a pre-breakfast weigh-in and again at midnight. I believe my BIL has won each of the last 4 years. I think last year he gained EIGHT POUNDS. IN ONE DAY. Yes, impressive. (And no, he normally isn't a terribly big guy. He's fairly average sized.) I think others should do this contest too!

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  20. Just give me a bowl of stuffing and i'm good.

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  21. Wow...that turducken looks fantastic.

    What happened to your most recent post, from a couple hours ago? "The Sassy Curmudgeon's Holiday Gift Guide: Special Blogger Edition"? It's not there anymore.

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  22. LMAO My idiot mother-in-law tries like hell every year to talk us into one of those turducken...she has not succeeded yet, and God Willing she never will!!

    The Turkey Cake made me vomit in my mouth a little...*shudders*

    LOVING your list!! It rocks, for sure...but you forgot to put giblet gravy on it!! That's the most disgusting Thanksgiving food I can think of, besides that horrid can-shaped pile of sludge known as cranberry sauce...xD

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  23. Oh noes! Just read all of passionofthemom's comment. Prior to that I was thinking, "Man! All that turkey cake needs is a layer of cranberry sauce between the stuffing and the turkey and I'm totally sold." (Not the cranberry jelly from a can, thanks you. I make my own homemade cranberry goodness.) I'm prone to piling all of those items on top of each other anyways. I scoff at the "no touching" rule for my food items when it comes to Thanksginving/Christmas. It's the one time of year I can indulge my gluttony without guilt. I'm gonna do it right!

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