*Contrary to the warm, fuzzy Pilgrims + Indians 4EVA stories we learned in gradeschool, in Connecticut "thanksgiving" was celebrated after a successful attack on the natives, and their decapitated heads were reportedly kicked through the streets of Manhattan. Try eating a guilt-free dinner roll now.
Anyway, I started fantasizing about the grossest, most gluttonous creations we've have managed to come up with so as to consume as many calories as possible in one sitting... and, subsequently, coming to terms with the fact that I would totally put all of these in mah belleh.
Ah, the turducken. Edible poultry nesting dolls that celebrate our right to stuff birds inside of other birds and then eat them so that we form the fourth layer... a Homoturducken, if you will (homosapien, people). I don't actually like duck, but how can I say no to such a pornographic protein explosion?
Pumpplecake, the dessert version of the turducken, if you will, is new this year, and the only thing I need to know is, Where have you been all my life, sugar tits? Your eyes do not deceive you--this is a two-layer cake with two different kinds of pie baked in, plus what looks like enough icing to kill a Shetland pony (and Shannen Doherty, if she happened to be posing next to it at the time).
Rounding out this trio of triple bypass goodness is...
This can be viewed as a kind of wedding of the previous two--while it appears to be a cake, this entire thing is actually constructed of savory Thanksgiving staples. The top and bottom layers are ground turkey; the middle layer, stuffing. The "frosting" is mashed potatoes and the topping is yams and marshmallows.
(Okay, so that last one does kind of trigger my gag reflex, but it's a psychological trap. It only looks like ground meat covered in buttercream. And even that, if I'm being honest, would not be a deal-breaker. Of course, it would all depend on the potency of the peyote.)