Saturday, November 13, 2010

Curmudgeon of the Week: Toni

(You guys. I think this week's COTW is the middle part of Tony! Toni! TonĂ©! Yes, it's a lady who appears to be white and doesn't mention being a new jack/R&B superstar or wearing day-glo orange pimp suits, but I have a feeling. Anyway, she's awesome. )

(Also, you need to listen to this while reading today. YES!)

If I Had No Loot (1993)


Toni would still be my COTW even if she had no loot.

Name: Toni

Age: 29

Provenance: Slaughterville, Oklahoma. Seriously, I live in a place called Slaughterville. How wicked is that? Even cooler: I grew up in a place called Pink, Oklahoma. Google it. Totally real.

Occupation: I find that telling people I'm a full-time volunteer chef, maid, chauffeur, nurse, seamstress, Pre-K teacher, personal shopper, guidance counselor, therapist, vet, and call girl gets me a lot more respect and/or attention than simply saying I'm a homemaker.

When did you first self-identify as a curmudgeon? I think my earliest experience as a curmudgeon was in the 2nd grade, when I realized that the ENTIRE FUCKING NATION revolves around a sport where men chase a lemon-shaped "ball" and smack each other on the ass.

Who’s the curmudgeon (living or dead, historical or contemporary) you most identify with and why? My dad. He spent my childhood sequestered in his workshop, getting high, building swords and guitars and bicycle-powered rock-cutting machines. He was a bit of a mad scientist, and he hated pretty much everyone and everything but his wacky creations. Hell, he was such a misanthropic curmudgeon, he didn't even go to work and earn a living for the family like a normal father, because he hated everyone he came into contact with. I hate him, but I can't say I fell too far from that tree...well, except the getting high, building stuff, and neglecting the family part.

What do you hate that other people inexplicably love? Ohhh, goodness. This would probably be a shorter list to tell you the things I DO love that others do also. I'm not one of those "curmudgeons for the sake of being a curmudgeon"-type people who hates things simply because others like them. I'm just...well, I'm a weird person, I guess, and I'm pretty oblivious to most things "popular" or what-have-you. That being said, I'm gonna pick booze/drugs. I don't drink/get high, I've never had the urge to drink/get high, and I've never even tasted anything alcoholic or tried anything...drugaholic. I don't see the point in it.

You are Dante. What, in order from least to most excruciating, are your nine circles of hell?
My levels of hell would require the offending dead watch terrible television all day*...no remote, no popcorn, no soda, and the only furniture in the room is this cast-iron bench that's been sitting in the July sun for several hours (have you ever sat on one of those in the middle of the summer? 5 minutes and you'll be doctoring an ass-blister for a month):

*Ed note: If this is hell, sign me up. I'll see you soon, Snooki! I'll bring the pickles!!

The levels of hell would be as follows:

1. America's Funniest Home Videos, or any of the cheap knockoffs with the canned laughter and videos of guys getting hit in the crotch by a toddler's errant wiffle ball.

2. The Lifetime channel. Everything on that channel is cringe-worthy.

3. CSI, NCIS, Law and Order, "Cop Drama #24306," etc. (With the exception of Bones. I actually tolerate that one and watch it on a semi-regular basis...cuz Brennan is basically me. ::blush::)

4. Two and a Half Men

5. Two and a Half Men deserves to be listed twice

6. Jersey Shore or any of those other "reality" shows about jackasses who have no business getting any public attention.

7. MTV

8. Any sports program, with the exception of Football.

9. Football.

If you had the power to sign into law an amendment prohibiting a specific human behavior (i.e. using a Bluetooth or singing karaoke), what would you outlaw?
Using "ur" instead of "you are" (or the contraction of). Ur was an ancient Sumerian city, and most likely THE birthplace of civilization. Using its name in such an erroneous fashion is ironically UNcivilized. This atrocity needs to be stopped. A simple $10 fine per use on Facebook could rack up THOUSANDS of dollars a day from my friends alone! Think of all the shiny new police cruisers and orange jumpsuits that could be bought with that kind of dough!

Let's lighten up. What makes you all warm and fuzzy inside? (Your heart can’t be COMPLETELY charred.)
I wanna be a good mom and wife and say my daughter or husband, but in all reality, it's my rabbit. He never talks back, he always eats his vegetables, he always senses when I'm feeling bad, and he's never too busy to snuggle on the couch. Also, I secretly get all giddy inside when he chews up the cords to my husband's XBox controllers or my daughter's Leapfrog system. That'll teach the lazy, ungrateful bastards to leave their shit out after I so meticulously cleaned the goddamn living room just an hour ago.

What's your favorite curse word/phrase?
Goddamn. It's a pretty new fave, actually...maybe a year and a half old. I grew up in a Christian home, but even after I "turned to the dark side" in my early 20's, that word was still taboo for me for some reason...I dunno. Anyway, It's my "last resort" word now. I try to save it for special occasions for when I'm REALLY, REALLY, REALLY upset.

Essay Question: Please write a 100 word open letter to an object, person, or other entity that has recently incurred your wrath.

Dear Dumbass Rednecks in the trailer next door,

Your kid is fucking CREEPY. I dunno if you guys did crack when you were pregnant or if you dropped him on his head when he was a baby or what, but he's the weirdest damned kid I've ever seen -- and I should know, I taught Kindergarten for many years 'til I scored this sweet gig -- and I'd REALLY, REALLY appreciate it if you'd keep a leash on him.

I don't know if you're aware, but he watches through your living room window and comes out to talk my head off every.single.day when I go check my mailbox. He's memorized my daily schedule well enough to know when I typically check my mail. YOUR KID IS KEEPING TABS ON ME. If he were 10 years older, that would be enough to take out a restraining order. And when he talks, he does not pause. His speech is just one long, rambling, incoherent string of nonsense about his "guard dogs" and his sister and his firetruck and blah-blah-blah-blah. He has also followed me INTO MY HOUSE without being invited on several occasions, where I would then have to ask him to leave. And this past weekend, as my family was sitting in the living room enjoying a nice documentary on the Terra Cotta Warriors in China, the creepy bastard opened my front door, let himself in, and asked if he could play with our dog. WE DON'T HAVE A FUCKING DOG! My husband told him to leave and never come back into our house again, but he shouldn't have had to say that. The kid is eight goddamn years old!!! Even if he'd never formally been taught not to barge into strangers' houses, common sense should have kicked in by now!

I'm sure you're nice decent non-offensive people, but please, move away.

Cordially,

Toni

(She says she hasn't blogged in months, but check her out at blogs.myspace.com/Fat_Toni)
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9 comments :

  1. Toni (But not of Tony! Toni! Tone'!)4:42 PM

    When you click that Google link and see the photos, I took those from my bathroom window. RURAL LIVIN' REPRESENT!

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  2. Toni is my new hero! It's like you're inside my head dude. I recently had my hair dyed that exact shade of blue, but then I went red (bright red it's pretty awesome). Also, my cousin has a neighbor with kids like that. Except there are like three or four of them, with varying ages, all of which are old enough to know better. They watch our car when we pull up to my cousin's house, and they're so FREAKING CREEPY.

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  3. She had me at "Slaughterville"! Oh, and Two and a half men DEFINATELY deserve to be listed twice!

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  4. Woot, a fellow bunny owner! Aren't they just wonderful-they keep that urge to kill in check.

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  5. It was worth looking up Slaughterville just to read about the great 2004 PETA vrs. Slaughterville incident where PETA wanted them to change the name to Veggieville.
    I'm still laughing.
    PS. I wouldn't piss-off that neighbor kid, too many red flags!
    WV: prearm - sound advice

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  6. amen about the football part, what a degenerative pastime.

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  7. I enjoyed reading this. A clean sober humble blue haired intellect. Love the letter about the creepy kid.

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  8. I have a kid with autism and a kid with Asperger's (google it if you don't know what that is) and while being thoroughly pissed at the "creepy kid's" parents, directing that venom at an 8 year old who almost certainly has some kind of developmental disorder is kind of douchey. And I'm as curmudgeonly as can be.

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  9. First, good interview. Toni's creepy neighbor kid must have a long-lost cousin who lives next door to me. Also, I took your advice & listened while reading. You should seriously consider soundtracking your blogs more often

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