Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Billie Jean King Is Not My Lover, And Other Sickbed Non Sequiturs

I’m sick again. I don’t know why God hates me so much considering I drink of his son’s metaphorical blood so often. Anyway, being sick wipes me out. It drains my energy, it clogs my pores (which means I am EXTRA PRETTY), and most of all, it saps my will to blog. Ironically, of course, it also means I have more time to blog, or it would if I didn’t spend the equivalent of an eight-hour working day watching Three Amigos clips on YouTube.

Usually post ideas come to me suddenly after I read an article or watch something on TV or have a conversation with Jeff. A lot of bloggers work on posts for days, editing them until they are perfect, stand-alone pieces, but I just let it fly, seat-of-my-pants style. I joke that this is because I value quantity over quality, but really it’s that A) this blog started out as a way to get myself to write more or less every day and it’s important to me to stay true to that; and B) if I start to think too hard about my blog posts it freaks me out and I get the mental equivalent of shrinkage.

Which is what is happening right now.

Anytime I find myself staring at my computer screen trying to think of ideas it feels like my brain is suddenly really drunk, and is lurching around my mental attic opening cobwebbed boxes in the hopes of finding the idea equivalent of a mint-condition Faberge Egg it can get appraised on Antiques Roadshow.

For example, the first thing I latched onto today was Tiger Eyes. I have not read Tiger Eyes in fifteen years but suddenly I thought of it and I wanted it so I Googled it.

Then I found its Wikipedia page and thought, did Ione Skye model for the cover?

Seriously, this is EXACTLY how Diane Court looks at Lloyd Dobler for the entirety of Say Anything.

Then I remembered that the main character’s name is Davey, which made me me wonder if I could write a whole blog post about how I went through a phase of wanting to have a bunch of girls and name them things like Frankie and Charlie and maybe even Billie, after Billie Holliday, not Billie Jean King.

Then I wondered if naming fictional tomboys after a heroin addict was worse than naming them after someone with really terrible hair, which ended with me Googling Billie Jean King and developing a theory that she might actually just be Carrie Fisher dressed as Sue Sylvester from Glee:

Then I thought that Tiger Eyes would be a really good name for a memoir written by one of Tiger Woods’ mistresses, or maybe by Tiger himself, if he didn’t mind sounding like a teenage girl.

Then I realized that there are multiple Judy Blume titles that could, taken out of context, describe the Tiger Woods scandal: Then Again, Maybe I Won’t; It’s Not The End of The World; and Here’s To You, Rachel Uchitel (okay, really it’s Robinson).

Then I thought, maybe that would make a good blog post. Especially if I could find other authors whose book titles mirrored other public scandals. I was able to match Sarah Palin with Danielle Steele (whose books include Rogue, Impossible, and Accident), but then I got a migraine and had to put my sunglasses on in bed.

Then I thought, Is this what Kanye West’s life is like all the time? I took a picture of myself with my BlackBerry and considered removing my entire bottom set of teeth and replacing them with Tootsie Rolls, because I can’t afford diamonds and besides, my forehead shines enough for my entire face as it is.

Then I thought, Shit, I still have to write a blog for tomorrow. But before I do that...

And now we've come full circle. I've blogged without really blogging, and I managed to work in Lloyd Dobler and Tootsie Rolls.

I feel good about this. 



  1. You should feel good about this. Amazing job of blogging without blogging. You're an inspiration to lazy bloggers everywhere. Or at least to me, which I know doesnt carry quite as much weight.

    Also, I know exactly what you mean about thinking too hard about blog posts. If I sit on a post too long, I begin to question blogging altogether. At least you have quantity to fall back on. I have neither quantity nor quality.

    (Do you feel weird when you write neither/nor. I know it is correct but always feel like I am trying to be too fancy. I'm not fancy.)

  2. Una, I wish I had a head like yours, with which I could just let my stream of consciousness flow with such wit. Even sick, you amaze me.

    Feel better.

  3. I love it when you fly by the seat of your pants! Great post Sassy - love the glasses pic... and I GOTTA get my aussie hands on some Tootsie Rolls! Feel better soon :)

  4. Anonymous9:41 AM

    That was awesome.
    Feel better soon.

  5. feverish blog posts are funny (hope you feel better soon)

    And did you know they're making Tiger Eyes into a movie? I can't wait...

  6. Aw, thanks guys! Although I am kicking myself for forgetting to tie in Ricola cough drops and how my college boyfriend's a cappella group (STOP LAUGHING) had some weird perma-dare in which they would call each other while getting blow jobs and say "Ricola." I never took part in this ritual, obviously, as I was strictly a Halls girl.

    Also, @haus: SHUT UP. That is amazing.

  7. I assume that since you wear your sunglasses in bed, then you definitely wear them at night.

  8. love the Judy Blume references and what a great post for being sick! Feel better will ya!!

  9. Claudia2:08 PM

    My older sister made me learn this entire song and dance routine with her; then we performed it...for no one.

  10. This is what a lot of my blog posts end up being like, but I don't even blog every day. Sometimes a stream of consciousness post is more interesting than something you've planned out...or at least, that's what I tell myself every time I put one out.

    You are the most glamorous looking sick person I've ever seen.

  11. I'll take your shrinkage any day Sassy.

  12. God...you feverishly ramble about not coming up with a blog post, throw in some random pop culture references, and you have one of the best blog posts I've read in some time.

    You are my hero.

  13. Always a pleasure!
    you are so damn funny...

  14. My imaginary daughter "Billie" was going to be after Billie Burke of Glinda "Toto too" fame.
    All I can think of (now) is Judy Blume's "Freckle Juice", and I'm grossing myself out. How about that collection on censorship she did called "Places I Never Meant to Be"? That's better.
    My librarian friend gave it to me to read when I expressed my ignornace about the fact that Judy Blume was so highly censored.
    I'm sorry to hear you're sick again and hope you'll be feeling better soon.

  15. did you watch that show Sisters back in the day? seemingly the premise was, "a bunch of middle aged ladies have men's names." (although i bet if i watched it now, at least two of the sisters would look younger than me...)

  16. and this display of awesomeness is why I follow your blog.

  17. I can't imagine what you'd be going through if you HAD decided to take a stab at NaNoWriMo this year! Being sick can be the death of the project. I'm pretty much healthy right now, and I'm still feeling just like you described when it comes to writing. I don't want to put anything on the page, because it's just going to kill the story. (Also, my characters suck, my plot is thin, and I've somehow managed to create a unique writing style just for this book—suck.)

    I would LOVE for you to try it next year, though. It would be amazing to hear you blog about the process.

  18. Does it make me a complete cow to wish you blogged sick at least once a week? This entire post made me laugh and laugh especially picturing Tootsie Roll grillz. You are a bloggy inspiration.


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