Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Scene From A Marriage: If I Should Die Before I Wake

Jeff woke me up in the middle of the night on Saturday. I was sick, so had fallen asleep spooning my laptop, re-watching episodes of My So-Called Life. (Of course, the only thing that would have been different had I not been sick would have been a wine glass on the nightstand and the purple sheen on my un-brushed teeth, but I didn't even want wine which is how you know I was basically dying. Anyway.)

Jeff: Hey. It smells like burning plastic.
Me: Unnnnnnnhhhhhhhhhh.
Jeff: Do you smell that?
Me: Unnnnnnnnnnhhhhhhhhhh?

As he pried me from my drooly, pixelated Catalano embrace, I realized I did smell something. Something that reminded me of the time I set my hair on fire in my office bathroom.

Jeff: Can you just check and see if anything is touching the radiator?

I was already stopped and dropped, so I rolled over to peer behind the cobwebs linking our headboard to the radiator. A large plastic bag full of my secret shame dry cleaning was wedged behind the chair that I use to hold my wadded-up laundry, but as far as I could tell it was not aflame.

Me: Are you sure it's coming from our apartment?
Jeff: I don't know, but it's pretty strong.
Jeff: It's not gas. Gas has no smell.
Me: [High-pitched shriek]
Jeff: I'm going to go outside and see if it's coming from the street. Where are our sweatpants?

It is worth noting that at this point Jeff was wearing only the David boxer shorts I brought him back from Florence:

They've totally already paid for themselves.

A few minutes later...

Jeff: I could smell it outside and there were sirens, so it must be a fire somewhere else.
Me: Now I'm freaked out, though. What if we die in our sleep?
Jeff: Oh, baby. Come here.

I crawled into his arms, nestling my head on his shoulder.

Jeff: The only way you'll die in your sleep is if I kill you.

P.S. It's our third anniversary today. Magic = still there.


  1. I love this almost as much as I love the David boxer shorts.

  2. so sorry you're not feeling well..but the last line made me laugh out loud!!!

  3. Hilarious! You guys are my favorite couple that I don't actually know in real life.

  4. Buuuuhhhhhhh y'all make me so happy I could puke.

    Glad to see that marriage doesn't mean the end of spooning one's laptop. I was starting to get worried. No one gets between me and old episodes of Battlestar Galactica. (To each her own.)

  5. You're fantastic!

  6. ah - such lovely sentiment

    i need to share jeff's line with my husband (he can relate)

    where did you get married? if you say tavern on the green i'll be so happy

    that's where my first marriage effectively ended...when my ex came out to a bunch of our friends when we were all coincidentally in nyc

    it's all good...i would not be with my "arbiter of good taste" - wonderful hubby deux otherwise

    happy anniversary

  7. Now THAT'S a marriage! Happy Anniversary :)

  8. Happy Anniversary you two!
    Sorry about your illness, however this blog post just kept getting better - thanks for the laugh! Pure humor in the most wonderful common (or uncommon) ways of life! I think it's the best form of your voice. Love and good health to you.

  9. SO, SO funny.
    Happy anniversary.

  10. I'm happy that it wasn't your dry cleaning on fire--my first thought was your laptop.

    I have a problem bringing dry cleaning in, too. I let it go for about a year, and then between the two of us it costs about 200-freakin-dollars. Since I'm such an excellent bargain shopper, the clothes often cost more to clean than I paid for them, which seems pretty stupid if you ask me. Especially if it's a dress that I may never wear again because I wore it for a super-special occasion.

    Dry cleaning is dumb.

  11. awww what a moment!!! congrats on you anniversary you two are adorable!

  12. Happy Anniversary! Nice to have that sense of security. ;)

  13. Happy Anniversary! very funny.

    Not ten minutes ago I set the handle of pan on fire. I was pre-heating the oven and didn't know the pan was in there... Lots of smoke! Now I suppose my bisquits are going to smell like plastic. burnt plastic...

  14. Happy Anniversary, you crazy kids.

  15. I would give David's right testicle to be able to write like this.
    Absolutely hilarious.
    (and left, if needed.)

  16. Happy Anniversary you two love birds! The David boxers are classic. And you are right, they have so alreay paid for themselves.


  17. Oh the hillarity!! Happy Anniversary!

  18. Aw happy anniversary! MAGICAL!

  19. Tee Hee - that was funny. Hope you feel better already. Our 10 yr is coming up next week and we're going on our first trip to the Loire without the kids. We still got it too, just not as funny. ;-)

  20. Ok I came over here from Connie at The Girl Diagnosed/Constar. I read this post and was immediately hooked. My hubby and I went to Italy Rome/Florence in our third year of being married.....you now have a follower here and on twitter!


  21. happy anniversary! funny story! typing is no fun b/c i my right arm (the good one) is in a sling b/b i dislocated my dumb shoulder!so i'm going all one handed man on it...

  22. Happy anniversary! Total win with those boxer shorts - they're awesome.

  23. Ah, romance lives. Hope that made you feel better :)

    Did you guys ever figure out what was on fire?


  24. lol you still might wanna remove that bottle from there.

  25. what if you paired those boxer shorts with one of those t-shirts with the boobies? stop me if i'm blowing your mind.

  26. Erin S.6:11 AM


  27. Happy Anniversary!

  28. Your scenes from a marriage posts are always my favourite!
    Thanks for having no shame and posting them!

  29. I think I woke up smelling the same thing. Did you ever find out what it was?

  30. Anonymous10:48 PM

    Hilarious. Thanks.

    If he got David boxers, did you get a Venus de Milo sleep shirt?

    Then you could both be art afficianados of the tackiest kind.

  31. I just love that last line....and the boxer shorts. Thanks for all the laughs. Good medicine. Happy anniversary and mannnnnny more.

  32. There is so much right with this post I don't even know where to begin.. Hilarious!

    Happy anniversary.

    oh, and thanks for making my day less boring by making me chuckle over tales of burning plastic.

  33. Yay to you! Happy Anniversary!

    Our 6 year anniversary was just yesterday! Though I spent it alone....

    The boxer shorts are awesome, though I know my BF would never wear 'em.


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