Monday, October 4, 2010

Monday Multimedia Madness

First, my appearance on Abiola Abrams' Kiss and Tell report is up. Here's the link; hopefully I'll have an embeddable video soon. I'm on from about 8:40 to 24:00, but you should also watch the rest of the show, in which writers and performers Leah King and Tracy Renee Jones talk about respect and, specifically, street harassment. They're hilarious and poignant and whip-smart, whereas I mostly make uninformed assessments of Ashton Kutcher's fidelity and put on these glasses:

"Twat? Twat did you say? I cunt hear you. I think I have an ear infucktion."
(There's a reason I don't call this site The Classy Curmudgeon)

Despite the penis nose, I don't think I look like too much of an ass, although my lopsided Shannen Doherty syndrome is on full display.

Next in Monday Multimedia Madness: My sister sent me some audio files a week ago in an email with the title "Instant blog post?"

(The fact that it's now a week later is a perfect example of how quickly I get things done. But in my defense, seven days can go by in an instant when you have to work full-time, go on Internet talk shows to fondle dildos, and catch up on two weeks' worth of Glee and Dexter--two shows that just cry out for a cross-over episode, in my opinion. Maybe when New Directions tackles Sweeney Todd?)

Anyway. While cleaning her apartment, she found audio files recorded when I was nine and she was three. Last week Annah commented that I should post audio of me singing. Well, apparently that's all I did for the entirety of 1989. If these tapes are to be believed, I wandered around the house warbling into a Walkman and ignoring my baby sister's cries.

Warning: Keep the volume low unless you want your eardrums to rupture from my earnest belting. I also can't be held responsible for any adverse reactions pets may experience upon hearing the high notes.

Not that I didn't have skills: I managed to yell at her while staying on key during Madonna's "Like A Prayer" (a track that factored heavily in my prepubescent fantasy life):

And who can forget the Bel Biv Devoe classic "Poison?" (You may want to, after hearing this.)

There's also an ad-libbed musical about the life of Gumby, but I'll save that for another blog. Even I've reached my daily quota for over-sharing.

I'll leave you with the reminder that you should never trust a big butt and a smile... or a stranger bearing glow-in-the-dark dildo glasses... or a nine year-old with a flair for the dramatic and a tape recorder.

P.S. I know I didn't have a Curmudgeon of the Week this weekend. I was too crazed to pick one, but I won't let it slide again, promise. 


  1. 1. how awesome is it that, at nine years old, you were singing (with gusto) the songs "like a prayer" and "poison"? kids nowadays have all those singing disney brats to groove to and such... but back in the day, we listened to (and memorized) totally age-inappropriate songs and it was juuuuust fine!

    2. how is it that your voice was deeper when you were nine than it is now?

    3. thank you for this.

  2. Wow, that was excellent! I have never heard such a haunting version of Poison. And I like the big ending of Like a prayer.

  3. Not too bad with Like a Prayer, honestly. I will say I was not expecting Bel Biv Devoe's "Poison" to be the other song though. That one kind of thru me off a bit. lol

    Happy Monday! :)

  4. I haven't peed my pants since I was 19. Today I celebrated that ten year anniversary reading your blog and listing to you caterwaul.

    Comedic brilliance.

  5. I loved your BBD the best! Have a good week!

  6. I enjoyed your talk show appearance! It's weird hearing/seeing people talk when you aren't used to it! You seem so sweet. :) I must say, however, I'm disappointed that you misidentified your blog URL at the end of your appearance! You said that you could be found at, but that doesn't work. :(

    "When you call my name- GET OUT OF MY ROOM!- it's like a little prayer"

    Hahahahaha! I also love how Zoe comes in at the end with a sweet harmony.

    When I was a kid, we'd go to Six Flags once a year, and I'd always use that opportunity (and all my money) to make a tape in the "Be a STAR!" recording booth. I've got "The Locomotion", "I'll Never Get Over You (Getting Over Me)" and several other jewels gathering dust in my closet. Unfortunately, they're all on tapes so I can't even listen to them. :(

  7. your rendition of 'poison' is classic. and it truly stands the test of time: you never can trust a big butt and a smile.

    tb: i always wanted to do those at my local amusement park, but ended up spending all my money on pretzels and games. we had one where you'd actually make a video, with cheesy backgrounds included. the song list was pretty lame, though. i would have rocked 'i'll never get over you (getting over me)'.

    interesting note: expose will be performing at epcot's food and wine festival this month. i am actually a huge expose fan and will be forcing awesome husband to go see them with me. i will totally sing along to 'i'll never get over you (getting over me) extra loud for you all.

  8. My 15 month old daughter is bouncing on my lap and waving at the computer while you sing. Perhaps 9 year old you missed her calling as a kiddie singing sensation :-P

  9. So, it's funny, because I was just watching Season 4 of 30 Rock on Netflix, and Liz Lemon gets a shower, and I was instantly struck with the idea that you should have one too. Pretty sure it would be on HBO, or Showtime, so you could pretty much say anything you wanted, but congrats on being the first person that I thought of? I would watch it. It would be full of ridiculous goodness, like wine bras, penis noses, and who knows what else.

  10. I'm pretty sure my mom has a cassette of me singing Megadeth's "Sweating Bullets" when I was like 11.

    "Hello me, meet the real me!
    And my misfits way of life
    A dark black past is my
    Most valued possession"

    Yup. Totally appropriate for a little girl whose most valued possession was still her Rainbow Brite doll.

  11. Man, I have been terrible at responding to comments lately. But since I made you sit through those audio files, it's the least I can do.


    1. My parents paid very little attention to what I listened to. That year I also began roller-skating through the house listening to the Dick Tracy soundtrack and singing "Hanky Panky."

    2. It sounds like I had a cold. Either than or I'm just getting more shrill as I age. I'm sure Jeff would say the latter.

    3. You're so welcome!

    @Sarah: Yeah, if I ever finally form my dream band, Lisa Frank and the Trapperkeepers, we're TOTALLY covering Poison. Also look out for an emo version of The Humpty Dance.

    @HulaBuns: I appreciate your praise, reserved though it may be. Hahaha. Happy Monday to you too!

    @Recessionista: YES. I can make people urinate on command! I'm sure I can use this to my advantage.

    @Amber: Thanks!

    @TB: Aw, thanks. I AM sweet (little-known secret). And truth be told, I was so effing nervous about being on that show I had no idea what I was saying pretty much the entire time. But I'm sure the 10 or so people who watched won't find it too hard to locate my blog with google. :)

    Zoe's harmony is the best part of the whole recording.

    And you CAN listen to tapes. Find an old recorder and play it and hold it up to your computer. You owe it to your public!

    @steph gas: EXPOSE! OMG! I angsted SO HARD to that song in junior high. Jealous.

    @Lily Ruth's Mama: Haha. I may have missed my calling, but the world dodged a bullet.

    @Koreywithak: I will totally have my own show. Let's make this happen. Are you by any chance very rich?

    @Toni: That is so unbelievably awesome. You are so much cooler than me.


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