Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Guest Post: The List

TB of Year 31 has become one of my best blog friends since she started commenting here a year or so ago. I never had pen pals as a child (although I did write letters to imaginary pen pals, which is, um, telling) and I've never gone on a blind date, so making human connections via the Internet still seems novel and exciting. Every time I start a real correspondence with a fellow blogger or reader, I get that pee-in-my-pants thrill I associate with the 1992 Puppy Surprise doll, which came stuffed with 3--or 4!--or 5! puppies in its vagina belly. HOW MANY WOULD IT BE OMIGAH?

But TB doesn't have any puppies in her (that I know of), and I'm still totally excited. So she's clearly awesome. But, as the wise Levar Burton famously said, you don't have to take my word for it...
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Does anyone remember that episode of Friends where Ross and Rachel had a list of five celebrities they would allow one another to sleep with, if the opportunity should arise? Well, fresh off of watching the rerun of this episode, sometime in 1999, the hubby and I got to thinking what a great idea this was. The conversation went something like this:

Him: You know, I wouldn’t consider it cheating if you slept with, say, Brad Pitt, because I would probably even sleep with Brad Pitt if I had the opportunity.
Me: I know what you mean. Let’s do this!
Him: Awesome!

High fives ensued.

We pondered our choices for a while, discussing the finer points of Nicole Kidman’s skin and Taye Diggs’s abs. When it was all settled, each of our lists looked something like this (keep in mind this was 1999):

Him
Nicole Kidman
Alyssa Milano
Cameron Diaz
Milla Jovovich
Keri Russell

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Me
Chris Klein
Jerry O’Connell
Brad Pitt
Taye Diggs
Mark Wahlberg

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We were very excited about our choices! I mean, we didn’t write out lists and laminate them or anything, but every time we saw one of these celebrities on TV or in movies, we would be sure to remind the other that he or she was on “the list”.

Fast forward one year to 2000, when we moved to Los Angeles. I was going half-assed about becoming an actress and the hubby was working at Sports Club/LA, where we got a free membership.

So, apparently these “celebrities” are, like, real people. Who knew, right? A free-pass-for-sex list is really only fun when you don’t ever encounter the people on it. Or, at least, that was the case for the hubby. Everywhere we went, we seemed to run into someone on my list. Chris Klein jogged past me one night as I was waiting for the hubby to get off work. Jerry O’Connell lifted weights while I cross-trained on the elliptical. I struck up a conversation with Mark Wahlberg one evening about his Bob Marley tattoo.

The hubby got fed up seeing all these “list guys” everywhere and declared our lists invalid:

Him: I declare our lists invalid!
Me: What? You can’t do that! That’s not fair!
Him: Jerry O’Connell walked by me in the gym today and I bumped into him on purpose, just to see if he’d be pissed off so I could start a fight with him. It’s driving me crazy.
Me: So, just because these guys are around now, I can’t have my list anymore?
Him: Yes.
Me: That’s not fair! You may run into one of the girls on your list too.
Him: Yes, but what I didn’t realize when we made these lists is that YOU could actually get one of these guys. I, on the other hand, could never get any of the girls on my list.
Me: You don’t know that. Plus, it’s your own fault if you chose girls who were out of your league.
Him: That was the whole point of the LIST! Plus, it’s way harder for a guy to get a girl to have sex with him than it is for a girl to get a guy to have sex with her.

He had a point. So, out of respect for our marriage, the list was then and there declared null and void (even though it really wasn’t fair).

So, I never got to have sex with Jerry O’Connell. Sad, I know. I guess the moral of this story is that you shouldn’t really have a list like this if it could ever come to fruition for only one of you.

EPILOGUE

A few years ago, the hubby was called out of town (we live in Kansas now) to work at the NBA All-Stars game. As the event was going on, he called me, all in a tizzy:

Him: Oh my GOD! Alyssa Milano is here and she’s sitting like fifteen feet from me right now.
Me: Oh!! She’s so pretty!! How does she look?
Him: She looks great—she’s hardly aged since Who’s the Boss. Wow.
Me: Wait…wasn’t she on your list?
Him: Oh yeah…she WAS on my list! Boy, it’s a good thing for you that I declared those things null and void.
Me: Psh. You would never have the balls to talk to her anyway. Why don’t you go ahead? You have my permission. I hear she likes guys with tattoos, so you’re in! Find out what she’s doing afterward.
Him: I have to go work.

Chicken.
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18 comments :

  1. Bahaha, too bad she's married too. :P

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  2. I've heard about people making up these lists and I think it's funny. I guess I don't really get the appeal of sleeping with a celebrity. What's the point, especially if you're with someone? There's no guarantee that the celebs on your list are a good lay.

    And I'm sorry, but Nicole Kidman is gross-- like a skeleton mixed with an alien.

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  3. So, TB may not have puppies in her belly, but I have bursts of laughter coming out of mine after reading this.

    Seriously! I may even need stitches. Awesome.

    (And I totally remember that episode of Friends.)

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  4. Hahaha! thanks for making me Happy today TB. This whole list thing is a great idea and it would give you eternal happiness knowing that your husband declared the list null and void not because he didn't bumped to anyone on his list but the truth is, (my opinion) he loves you so much and so jealous seeing you with those guys.

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  5. Well, I didn't have a puppy surprise doll (though I always wanted one) but I DID have a pen pal, and so I can tell you from experience that this is WAY better.

    Thank you so much for letting me post on your blog! I'm not worthy...but I'm glad you didn't notice before you left. :)

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  6. Chris Klein, eh? GOOD CHOICE. Hmmm he was a hottie! What the heck ever happened to that guy?

    You and your hubby are totally cute and hilarious TB :) LOVED THE GUEST POST!

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  7. I forgot about puppy and kitty surprise dolls! Thank you for reminding me :)

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  8. Haaahaaha. I love it. The List becomes null and void if you *actually have the opportunity to boff someone.

    That said... Ryan Gosling will always be on my list, even if I do one day boff him. Before, during and after: he's on the list.

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  9. Back in the day, my list included Al Pacino and Robert Redford. Ok, it was the '90s and they were "mature" men by then but still hot. Or I had daddy issues. I can't remember. Will have to ask my therapist.

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  10. THAT IS AWESOME!!!! I made a list over on my blog referring to the same Friends episode.

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  11. My ex and I made lists too. Her's had the same A-list hollywood stars. The women on mine were mostly attractive minor Canadian singers and athletes. She got pissed off because there was a good chance I might meet at least one of them. The Lists were abandoned. However, if she had ever did met Matt Damon, I bet The List would have been reactivated.

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  12. That was the greatest Friends episode...my wife and I did the exact same thing. We both still have our lists, wrinkled and faded, but still intact. We don't get where the beautiful go so we would each need a miracle. Oddly I have Jamie Lee Curtis AND Jen Aniston at the top of my list! A "list threesome" I suppose. Thanks for bringing back those memories.

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  13. Anonymous8:01 PM

    My husband and I have been married for over 20 years (and we dated and lived together for seven years before that). For the last 25 years he has had a free pass to sleep with Michelle Pfeiffer and/or Catherine Deneuve should the opportunity ever arise. My free passes have changed over the years. For a long time it was Michael York and more recently Johnny Depp. Both of us absolutely solemnly swear these are genuine free passes that will not ever be revoked. But then again, neither of us has ever met anyone on our list.

    My husband also has a handmade coupon that I gave him over 20 years ago for one conceded argument. He keeps it in his wallet, waiting for an argument big enough to be worth using it on.

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  14. Great guest post, bravo!

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  15. Loved this post TB! Binderclips would have been chicken also. You guys are great. :D

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  16. I had a bear surprise, where, I guess in an attempt to avoid the vaginal area and still keep it cute, the babies CAME OUT OF ITS BACK.

    I think I will always be scarred.

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  17. Too funny...

    My husband and I made a list. I need to revamp it though!

    I linked this post at Kate's Library as part of my Friday Five.

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  18. HA HA HA HA HA! I love this! So glad you posted on my blog so I got to read it! (Though, from blogger being down yesterday mine seems to have disapeared. I'll get it back up though!)

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