Another thing Kari and I bonded over? Not peeing on toilet seats. You'd think this was a no-brainer, but you'd be wrong. Take it away, Kari:
Dear Ladies of New York City-
Hear me out.
So, normally I have no issues with you gals. Sure, some of you could stand to eat a burger and some of you could stop dressing like old grannies to be cute and ironic (because by the time you're about 35, you just start looking like a granny, which is no longer cute or ironic), but you know... I get it. We're all just trying to be cute. We're all just trying to get by on the daily.
You know what's not cute? Pissing all over the toilet seat.
I know, I know. Public toilets are gross. You don't want to sit on them. I get it. I personally am a very big fan of the tissue paper sanitary covers. They're awesome. Everywhere should have them. It gives you that extra sense of security that there is a semi-permeable membrane between your ass and surface that many a lady (or gent!) has placed their ass on. I completely understand. I get the idea of hovering. I do. But you know what? You guys aren't any good at it. I cannot tell you how many times I have entered a stall to do my business and found a veritable Nile of piss all over the damn place. It's really selfish, truth be told. What's the point of hovering when the next gal to go in and relieve herself is confronted with a situation that forces her to hover in a situation where perhaps she would have preferred not to hover (including but not limited to: pleather pants, tights, or emergency number two. Emergency number two happens sometimes in public bathrooms, which is humiliating enough without having to sit in a pile of urine while doing it. Honestly)? There are also some of us who acknowledge that they are not good at hovering and, if inebriated, have a VERY difficult time in doing so. I never claimed to be agile. I fall easily and have the core strength of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Hovering ain't gonna happen for me, okay? Any time I have tried to hover, it has ended badly for everyone involved.
I went to see Toy Story 3 over the summer after having two beers. Because I have a pea sized bladder, two beers means that I really needed to pee, and I could not find one toilet seat that had not been peed on. Worse? EVERY STALL HAD THE PAPER TOILET SEAT COVERS! Would it kill you to use them, ladies? Honestly? Is there some sort of boycott of sanitary toilet seat covers I am unaware of? Does BP own them, or something?
Here's the deal - I personally have nothing against hovering. You feel comfortable hovering while you pee? Fine. I do think it's a bit silly, though. You're more likely to get a disease from that guy you're thinking of going home with or that subway bench you're sitting on while waiting for the train (did you know that bedbugs live in those benches?)...but I digress. Either way, it would not kill you to take a hefty wad of toilet paper and wipe down the seat so that other people at least have the illusion that they are not sitting directly in someone else's pee. It's about appearances. No one wants to sit on a wet toilet seat. It's fucking gross, and frankly, I'm getting a little tired of it.
I will repeat a common phrase as closing. It's an oldie, but it's tried and true -
If you should sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat.
Commit that to memory. You can even remember that one when you're drunk.