Saturday, October 16, 2010

Guest Post: Hovercraft

I met Kari of My Inflammatory Writ when we were both drafted to write short plays for a company called Effable Arts. Kari is an actual playwright. I am not. But we bonded because we were the old married ladies in a group of nubile, sexually adventurous twentysomethings. (Okay, so technically Kari is still in her twenties, but she's married and admits to spending Saturday nights curled up with Daria and a bottle of wine, so we'll forgive her).

Another thing Kari and I bonded over? Not peeing on toilet seats. You'd think this was a no-brainer, but you'd be wrong. Take it away, Kari:

Dear Ladies of New York City-

Hear me out.

So, normally I have no issues with you gals. Sure, some of you could stand to eat a burger and some of you could stop dressing like old grannies to be cute and ironic (because by the time you're about 35, you just start looking like a granny, which is no longer cute or ironic), but you know... I get it. We're all just trying to be cute. We're all just trying to get by on the daily.

You know what's not cute? Pissing all over the toilet seat.

I know, I know. Public toilets are gross. You don't want to sit on them. I get it. I personally am a very big fan of the tissue paper sanitary covers. They're awesome. Everywhere should have them. It gives you that extra sense of security that there is a semi-permeable membrane between your ass and surface that many a lady (or gent!) has placed their ass on. I completely understand. I get the idea of hovering. I do. But you know what? You guys aren't any good at it. I cannot tell you how many times I have entered a stall to do my business and found a veritable Nile of piss all over the damn place. It's really selfish, truth be told. What's the point of hovering when the next gal to go in and relieve herself is confronted with a situation that forces her to hover in a situation where perhaps she would have preferred not to hover (including but not limited to: pleather pants, tights, or emergency number two. Emergency number two happens sometimes in public bathrooms, which is humiliating enough without having to sit in a pile of urine while doing it. Honestly)? There are also some of us who acknowledge that they are not good at hovering and, if inebriated, have a VERY difficult time in doing so. I never claimed to be agile. I fall easily and have the core strength of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. Hovering ain't gonna happen for me, okay? Any time I have tried to hover, it has ended badly for everyone involved.

I went to see Toy Story 3 over the summer after having two beers. Because I have a pea sized bladder, two beers means that I really needed to pee, and I could not find one toilet seat that had not been peed on. Worse? EVERY STALL HAD THE PAPER TOILET SEAT COVERS! Would it kill you to use them, ladies? Honestly? Is there some sort of boycott of sanitary toilet seat covers I am unaware of? Does BP own them, or something?

Here's the deal - I personally have nothing against hovering. You feel comfortable hovering while you pee? Fine. I do think it's a bit silly, though. You're more likely to get a disease from that guy you're thinking of going home with or that subway bench you're sitting on while waiting for the train (did you know that bedbugs live in those benches?)...but I digress. Either way, it would not kill you to take a hefty wad of toilet paper and wipe down the seat so that other people at least have the illusion that they are not sitting directly in someone else's pee. It's about appearances. No one wants to sit on a wet toilet seat. It's fucking gross, and frankly, I'm getting a little tired of it.

I will repeat a common phrase as closing. It's an oldie, but it's tried and true -

If you should sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat.

Commit that to memory. You can even remember that one when you're drunk.




  1. I used the bathroom at work yesterday and found a pubic hair on the toilet paper (TMI? Sorry.) But seriously, what is wrong with people?!

    Great post btw :)

  2. I have been advocating for ages now that if we are going to ask the guys to lift the toilet seat when they pee... then the hoverers need to lift the damn seat too. If you're not going to sit on it, then lift it up. Otherwise, clean it off. Accidentally touching your own pee is waaaay better than cleaning up another persons pee. Agreed?
    Otherwise I think people who pee on the seat should be forced to leave their address so I can go to their place and pee on their seat with the gusto of a Masai warrior.

  3. I hear ya, girl! I hate it too!

  4. Anonymous3:06 PM

    There should just be a drain in the floor for the hoverers to stand over.

  5. Amen! Hoverers hover because others hover. It's a vicious cycle.
    I want to write in big Sharpie letters on inside of all ladies stalls another version:
    "If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweaty and wipe the seaty".

  6. I have enough problems even touching public bathroom door handles, must lees anything to do with using the facilities. I do it, but I want to jump into a vat of something anti-bacterial when I'm done.

  7. I know the feeling. Sadly.

  8. I never cease to be amazed by the concept that someone who is CLEARLY aware of how disgusting it is to sit on pee and general ickiness has no issues at all with creating that ickiness and leaving it for the rest of the world to deal with. It's like someone who's grossed out by blood shooting dogs in the street and leaving them to bleed out. It's just not polite.

  9. This brings to mind necessary supplies in bathrooms. A disposable cleaning kit and a note requesting everyone put on the disposable paper gloves and grab the robot arm which in turn will hold a wiper on it's hand and voilá.
    To enforce the cleaning duty the robot arm is electronically programed not to unlock door until toilet is perfectly clean, thus assuring everyone cleans up after themselves. And make the bastards mop the floor too.

  10. Maybe it could be more like a bathroom in Rome, with just a large basin with a drain that you kind of hover over. Women's bathrooms can definitely be gross.

  11. I've never understood hovering, because all it does is necessitate the next person to hover.

    Also, I *physically* cannot hover-pee. If my quads are flexing, nothing is coming out of me. It makes camping very difficult. :(

  12. I'm so pleased we're all in agreement. That drain in the floor thing just might work...

  13. My school paper, The Ticker, ran an article on this last semester.
    A whole opinion piece on bathroom edict such as wiping the seat.
    It was hilarious.

    I go to Baruch College, the seats are covered ! It is gross!
    I can't tell you how many times I have had to hold it till I got home because all the stalls were dirty.
    Come on gals, tidy up!!!

    Peace and Love,

  14. That's still better than the average men's room...

  15. AMEN! So right and so funny to boot-- I nearly snorkeled my coffee on the question as to whether there is a seat cover boycott- DOES BP own them? best guest post yet

  16. Ironically... I've heard of a study they did and they toilet seat is one of the most sanitary surfaces in the bathroom (air dryers are the least sanitary). Creepy right?

  17. I scream about this all the time. So relieved a few someone elses feel the same!


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