Wait, that sounds wrong. I mean this.
Anyway, even though Robin and I have never met, I'm in love with her and I'm leaving Jeff to go live in Asheville with Robin, her husband, her two year-old daughter, and her John Krasinski shrine. I'm not really in Italy, Jeff. I'm sorry you had to find out this way.
Hey y'all! Greetings & salutations from the great city of Asheville, NC! A city so great, it'll make your asshole fall off.
Una asked me to guest blog for her lazy, shrimp colored ass while she's on a vacay or something. I didn't quite know what to blog about exactly so I decided to just go with what I know & what is dear to my heart. You can't go wrong with that, right? But then I couldn't narrow it down, so I created this list:
Topics I considered blogging about, but didn't:
- The time I mooned an elementary school bus.
- Una's secret balloon fetish. (Shh. Don't tell her I know).
- The importance of good crotchal hygiene. (scrub that shit, yo).
- How when I see a picture of Lenny Kravitz, my vagina blooms a little.
- The time I whipped my large boob out on a table & pretended to eat it with a knife & fork.
- Una's ass tattoo of a bird pulling a worm out of her butthole.
- The contents of my purse: wallet, phone, keys, pacifiers, stray M&Ms, sex dice.
- Una's husband's tendency to get drunk on Wild Turkey & hump the ottoman.
- A vlog of me lip syncing to LLCoolJ's "Doin It."
- America's addiction to all things Jersey. I predcit a Jersey Wedding Midget show next.
- My husband's Christmas song about dirty lady parts. "Jingle bells, your clam smells..."
- Una's obsession with poot-cupping strangers.
- That episode of The Cosby Show where they hang out with Stevie Wonder & Rudy makes that weird giraffe sound.
- The time when I was pregnant & I farted & my water broke.
- Nipple lasers.
I know you're heartbroken that I didn't go into detail. One things for sure though, you more than likely got a little aroused just reading through the list.
It's ok. Don't deny it. Just go with it. It's natural.
And because I am one of those bloggers who deems it necessary to inundate you with a plethora of photos & multimedia, here is an assortment of applicable pictures & such for you to gaze upon. Let them sink in & bless your soul.
Here's a snapshot of Lenny for ya! (oh--the blooming started). It looks like he is hanging out with a special friend who is brave & dumb enough to get that tattoo. She also looks like she just sharted real bad in her Victoria's Secret 5 for $25 panties.
It's sound advice for everyone, really. It's important to keep our private areas fresh just in case it goes public (like, in someone's face).
Jeff taught these dudes everything they know about air humping inanimate objects & walls.
Turned on again aren't you?
& last but not least, here is the greatest picture of all time. She has perfect hair & laser nipples?! Lucky!
P.S. Go buy hilarious and amazing crafts at Robin's Etsy store.