Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Curmudgeon of the Week: Cake Betch

Would I pass up the opportunity to crown someone who calls herself "Cake Betch" as COTW?

Betch, please.


Name: Cake Betch

Age: 26

Provenance: Ohio

Occupation: Government Drone

Blog: The Hot Mess Chronicles

When did you first self-identify as a curmudgeon?
I believe around the time my parents started calling me “Princess.” It probably was not what they really wanted to call me.

Who’s the curmudgeon (living or dead, historical or contemporary) you most identify with and why?
1. My grandpa – He had curmudgeon nailed. His ability to complain and be dissatisfied with everything he encountered was truly inspiring.

2. My 6th grade gym teacher – He was a burly giant of a man, and there was nothing I could do to please him, so of course I clung to him like a spider monkey. His mom must have been an amazing curmudgeon too, because she named him Chick. True story.

3. My best friend “J” – I’m nowhere near the curmudgeon that she is. She doesn’t like anyone or any thing. I’m pretty sure it hurts her to say something nice, and I would bet she goes home at the end of the day and screams for 20 minutes to balance the stress of having to be polite and professional while at work.

What do you hate that other people inexplicably love?
Twilight. Harry Potter. Babies, small children – they terrify me. All sports except football and hockey. Monkeys. Lobster or any protein source with visible veins or bones. Poetry. Country music. Talk radio and morning radio shows.

You are Dante. What, in order from least to most excruciating, are your nine circles of hell?
1. Rush hour traffic - This is easily when I am most curmudgeonly
2. Pointless meetings… and they all are
3. Aliens - People who are always nice, never have anything bad to say, and blush when you scratch yourself in public
4. Job hunting - Great way to kill self esteem.
5. Wedding or baby showers – All those happy polite dressed up people.
6. Winter – And anything that goes with it; the exception being Christmas
7. Trying to be healthy - Working out, eating healthy food, (attempting) not to drink
8. Cooking - The last thing I want to do when I get home is make a mess in the kitchen that I have to clean up to make food that isn’t going to be very good anyway.
9. Math – I can’t do it.

If you had the power to sign into law an amendment prohibiting a specific human behavior (i.e. using a Bluetooth or singing karaoke), what would you outlaw?
I would prohibit people from using the fast lane if they’re not doing at a minimum 6 miles per hour over the speed limit. This is ESPECIALLY true during morning and evening rush hour. I would also sanction the use of explosives and/or firearms on law violators.

Let's lighten up. What makes you all warm and fuzzy inside? (Your heart can’t be COMPLETELY charred.)
Diabetes-inducing lattes. Shopping for books. Spring. Puppies get me every time, and almost every other baby animal (except for frickin monkeys…). Anything pumpkin flavored. Lolrus and his missing buhket.

What's your favorite curse word/phrase?
I like to keep it old school and go with the very versatile “fuck”.

Essay Question: Please write a 100 word open letter to an object, person, or other entity that has recently incurred your wrath.

Deaaaaaaar C, whom we not-so-affectionately will refer to as Cunty, as was your nickname:

You are a remarkable bitch. Did you know you have the honor of being the only coworker whose fat ass I wanted to nominate should there ever be a Salem-style witch trial in Columbus? I’m pretty sure that I intimidated you, considering I could easily have done your job twice as good in half the time, am 1/3 your size, and am less troll-like in appearance and personality.

My favorite part of working with you had to be when you made me walk to the other end of the business complex to get the mail (since you were too good for that shit now that you had a peon), then open YOURS for you! I especially LOL’ed when I decided that you were a traitorous brown nosing bitch and stopped opening your mail for you.

“What, are you too lazy to open my mail now?” followed by fake laugh ~ amazing. Hopefully you laughed because the irony dawned on you, even if it was too late.

Despite my intense dislike of you, I didn’t want to part on bad terms, so a friend of mine and I left you a nice invisible present on your office chair. I don’t know if you enjoyed it, but we sure as fuck did!

<3 Cake Betch.


  1. I love this! But, wait! What was the invisible gift? A fart? Semen sample? Flesh-eating bacteria? What? I need to know.

  2. You say small children terrify you? And you seem worried by Harry Potter, Relax - try reading about my friends the dragons - will that help? my log in word for this message is denta and in forty five minutes my appointment is with the dentist -you should worry! http://cedricthedragon.blogspot.com
    Regards Patrick

  3. Re: the law you'd pass, hilarious! It reminds me of my dad's plan to save governments a lot of money, and cut down on speeding (of course I know you like speeding, but you could apply this to running red lights or people who stop in the middle of cross walks or whatever your personal pet peeve is.) He said they should get rid of all the police whose primary charge is traffic in the whole state except for 1. Give him a sharpshooter rifle and allow him to shoot to kill when he sees a speeder. Everyone wins!

  4. lol'd when I saw this. I agree with all hated items except for harry potter possibly, (but only because it spawned a Very Potter Musical) great stuff!

  5. I concur with the feat of Babies. They seem to be everywhere these days. It's most discombobulating...



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