Tuesday, September 14, 2010

New York Gurls, or An Open (And Misspelled) Letter in Verse to Katy Perry (And, For That Matter, All Surviving Members of the Beach Boys)

I don't know about you, but I think California girls--or "gurls," in Katy Perry's most recent chart-topper, which I've had stuck in my head for weeks--are overrated. I mean, I've grow up in the noise and smoke and shadows of New York City my whole life, and apart from a tendency to startle at direct eye contact there's nothing wrong with me. OK, so I'm not blonde, or toned, or tan, and I don't wear Daisy Dukes because of thigh-rubbing issues, but how come there are no songs about New York girls that aren't A) about hookers or B) written by Joey McIntyre from NKOTB?

I guess I'll have to take it upon myself with another ill-advised song parody. Ahem...

NEW YORK GURLS

I know a place
Where the Hudson’s really brownish
Cool, dark, and cramped
There must be somethin' in the sewers
Sippin' Chardonnay,
Layin' on goose shit in Central Park (Oh no!)
The boys
Break their necks
Try'na beat you to a subway seat (Fuckers)

You could travel the world
But nothing’s as gritty
as New York City
Come and party with us
(We’ll be taking the bus)
Oooooh oh oooooh

New York gurls walk fast
No, we won’t talk to you
Chuck Taylors
Pajamas on top
See-through skin
So cold
We'll freeze your Popsicle
Oooooh oh oooooh

New York gurls are hip
Go read our Tumblr blogs
Snarky wit
We got it on lock
East Coast represent
Now swipe that MetroCard
Oooooh oh oooooh

Hop in a cab
We don't mind dirt on our Manolos
We freak
On Wall Street
Ed Kochy Koch on the taxi entertainment network (Oh oh)

You could travel the world
But nothing’s as gritty
as New York City
Come and party with us
(We’ll be taking the bus)
Oooooh oh oooooh

[Repeat chorus]

[And yes, I am available for bat mitzvahs.]
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31 comments :

  1. There is a song about New York Girls. And it's friggin' awesomeness on a stick!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LIecwy4sOVM

    You're welcome ;)

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  2. This parody is genius.

    Classic

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  3. love the lyrics. they're very realistic, and paint an appropriate picture of new york. now i have to look up that joey mcintyre song. because I HEART NKOTB and i wanted to marry joey when i was 12.

    new york > california.

    actually, new york > just about anywhere. which is why i'm leaving the crotch of the country (aka florida) and moving back to good ol' new york state as soon as i can find someone to buy this house.

    http://justanotherwastedday.blogspot.com/

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  4. I say you make this into a YouTube video. DO IT! :)

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  5. I always thought Uptown Girl was a NY girl.

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  6. As a spelling- and grammar-respecting California GIRL, I beg you not to paint us all with the (certainly scabies-riddled) brush as Katy Perry. Every time I hear that song, I die a little inside.

    Excellent rewrite, by the way! :)

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  7. As a transplant to California from the East, Californians are just full of themselves, but I love it out here on the "left coast".

    Of the top of my head there is a song about NY girls, on the Sex and the City soundtrack, for the first movie. It's kind of a punky/poppy jam by Mornigwood with the title "New York Girls".

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  8. I'm trying to come up with one for Idaho Girls.....

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  9. How fun!

    I'm gonna have that chorus repeating in my brain even in my sleep now!

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  10. "Snarky wit
    We got it on lock"

    You've obviously not visited the south.

    Bless your heart.

    ;~)

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  11. I'd rather hear your song on the radio than that Katy Perry crap. Yuck.

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  12. Katy Perry songs will definitely do that to you! It's sort of like the crack dust on Cheetos. A part of you just keeps wanting more. My recent "earworm" was brought on by the song Teenage Dream.

    Love your special rendition. Any plans for a music video?

    Have a great rest of the week!
    -The Empress

    http://rantersbox.blogspot.com

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  13. Yeah well, there sure as hell aren't any songs about Chicago girls.

    I just moved to the Chi a couple months ago, and in my excitement I decided to have a countdown on facebook with "famous" chicago quotes. The only positive one I could find was from Oprah (she makes everything a-ok), and everything else was about murders, gang violence, and big shoulders.

    So be thankful you have any songs at all!

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  14. Sassy- I loved it and I loved new york with the exception of the $72 pedicure I received when the sign clearly said $20 (that memory just inspired a blog post, thanks for that).

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  15. HA! New York gurls rock!

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  16. As a NY girl, I love this! I saw on You Tube a Minnesota version of this song. Not as fun as your lyrics!

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  17. Holy crap. That's so perfect. I just sang it quietly to myself at my desk. And now my coworkers look jealous.

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  18. this was too awesome! i think you missed your calling, you should have been a song writer, had a band called Una and the brows... ya i know that was lame but whats lamer is that i giggled when i typed that!

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  19. mmmmmmmyeah love this.

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  20. Hilarious!

    And guys always go for gritty, right?

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  21. Hilarious.

    So cold we'll freeze your popsicle.

    Well done, Sassy.

    I have such a hate on for that song because my 4 year old keeps hearing it in Grocery stores or where-ev and then singing inappropriate lyrics about bimbos and asking me what daisy dukes are -- it makes me angry at the world

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  22. My little sister always sings that. It's weird. And have you seen the music video?! *shivers* I will never be able to unsee that crap.

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  23. I don't get it, is your song about hookers?

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  24. A well-deserved harpooning. Thank you.

    I'm convinced that The Wiggles write Katy Perry's lyrics.

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  25. I think the phrase "so hot we'll melt your popsicle" is the grossest thing I've ever heard. makes me think of flaccid penises all up and down the golden state, and that's just not something I enjoy picturing. (you're welcome.)

    Also, I was a California gIrl for awhile (Central Valley, uh, represent!), and I can assure you (and Katy Perry), Hollywood is not California.

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  26. Sassy! I know I'm a day late and a dollar short responding to this post, which always makes me feel mildly retarded, but I felt compelled to remind you of the cheesy late 70s disco anthem dedicated to those NYC ladies, Native New Yorker by Odyssey: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9M6gXIqlfI

    It's nowhere near as cool as your song, but at least it isn't tainted by the foul stench of boy band.

    Oh and as a California girl (I refuse on principle to replace the 'i' with a 'u'), I am required to plead: "Stop the hate, y'all." That is all.

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  27. Love it. Too funny.

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  28. I know I'm terribly late, but this was awesome. AND because I just spent the weekend visiting friends in New York (by way of their residence in Teaneck, NJ), I felt like I understood the lyrics! I'm so proud of myself.

    (First non-business trip to NYC - we took buses! And the subway!)

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