Sunday, September 19, 2010

Curmudgeon of the Week: Tracey

Ever wonder what Wile E. Coyote would look like trapped in the body of a hot mom with a wicked sense of humor and a hatred of double decaf venti skinny vanilla lattes?

I mean, who hasn't?

Anyway, you can stop rocking back and forth methodically in your padded cell, because here's your answer:

Unlike me, Tracey can really wear a hat.
Name: Tracey

Age: 39

Provenance: Kansas City

Occupation: Radiographer and mom to two wildly precocious and destructive boys

Blog: The Ambiguous Fairy Tale

When did you first self-identify as a curmudgeon?
When I realized that my sense of humor, sarcasm, and cynicism are under appreciated by most of the world. You start to feel sort of curmudgeonly when you're the only one who thinks you're clever or funny.

Who’s the curmudgeon (living or dead, historical or contemporary) you most identify with and why?
Wile E. Coyote. Wile E. are are the same. He's the ultimate curmudgeon. He tries and tries and tries to catch that damn Road Runner knowing that any minute an anvil is going to fall on his head. He's grouchy and determined despite being humiliated by his own ineptitude over and over again. I know that after years and years of silence, if he every find himself picking feathers out of his teeth, he would say in a curmudgeonly voice, "Beep that, motherf#%&@$"!

What do you hate that other people inexplicably love?
Buffets, whistling, The Wizard of Oz, pedicures, Jello, NCIS, roller coasters, food on a stick, Ms. PacMan, weddings.

I was so glad Una didn't ask for what I love that other people inexplicably hate. I did that list in my head and it was just embarrassing.

You are Dante. What, in order from least to most excruciating, are your nine circles of hell?
I cracked up imagining what the poetic justice would be for each of these "crimes." Think only Achy Breaky Heart on your iPod forever or :o) tattooed on your forehead.

1. Obesity
2. Line Dancing
3. Reality TV
4. Lifetime movies
5. Emoticons
6. Halloween
7. Vampires
8. Vanity sizing
9. Religious hypocrisy

If you had the power to sign into law an amendment prohibiting a specific human behavior (i.e. using a Bluetooth or singing karaoke), what would you outlaw?
Ordering beverages at Starbucks with more than 4 words including please. I think that coffee drinks should be named and ordered like cocktails, each with a fun and descriptive universal name. You don't go into a bar and order a drink listing each fucking ingredient; coffee should be no different. I have volunteered to help Starbucks name the drinks. No takers so far.

Let's lighten up. What makes you all warm and fuzzy inside? (Your heart can’t be COMPLETELY charred.) I think because I'm a mom, I'm supposed to say my kids here, which is true. BUT, if I didn't have to say that then it would be a tie between runner's high and when you're fishing and you see your bobber start to go down and you know you have a bite. Seriously. Gives me tachycardia.

What's your favorite curse word/phrase?
Fuckingnightmare or fuckinggoatrope. It's the same thing and yes, both must be said as one word.

Essay Question: Please write a 100 word open letter to an object, person, or other entity that has recently incurred your wrath.

Dear moron at my gym,

It was not okay when your interrupted my workout and said, "You're in great shape." You really fucked up when you followed it up with, "Are you a Democrat?" You must not have read my sarcasm well when I hatefully said, "SERIOUSLY??" as you segued into a monologue about your political views and your top secret job. When you mentioned that I would be surprised to learn that you're really more brains than brawn, I nearly smiled as I love blog fodder that just falls into my lap. And yes, dumb ass, I would be surprised. Because you seem to have a problem with social clues and rules at the gym, I made you a little cheat sheet.

1. A girl has her iPod on and doesn't make eye contact at all, do not approach. Especially not in the middle of a set or during cardio.
2. Know your league. Stay in your league. Understand that I'm out of yours.
3. See all the mirrored walls in the gym? If you can see me, I can see you. Don't stare, moron. It's creepy.
4. Do not invade personal space. Back the fuck off.
5. Do not overestimate your demographic. EVER.

Hope that helps. Good luck and stay the hello away from me.

Tracey

Do you want to be a Curmudgeon of the Week? Email me!
Share/Bookmark

6 comments :

  1. Wow, what a classy Curmudgeon! I like her "hates".

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wow! A bad-ass mom to aspire to.
    A runner's high and fishing - WOW!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Now that was entertaining to read.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I like this woman. More than I probably should. So much truth spoken here with the exact right modicum of bitchiness. Bravo.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Dear Starbucks, please take Tracey up on the renaming strategy. That would make my job so much easier when I have to wear the coffee bitch hat.

    Mahalo.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Anonymous1:59 AM

    The obesity business is pretty depressing, though...

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...