Sunday, September 12, 2010

Curmudgeon of the Week: Emma

A young reader wrote me an email so epic that instead of having her fill out the standard questionnaire, I decided to just post it in full. Get ready to meet Emma, an early teen curmudgeon in training who's already obviously a talented writer, deep thinker, and Edward Cullen realist. Just whatever you do, don't call her a band geek.

Click to enlarge; a translation appears at the bottom of the post.

Dear Sassy Curmudgeon Una,

Well, you asked us to email you if we wanted to be the curmudgeon of the week, so I did. Deal with it. Please note that I'm only in my early teenage years. Like really early teenage years. And I think I may be a curmudgeon.

I looked up "curmudgeon" on one day and came up with this:

curmudgeon: a bad-tempered, difficult, cantankerous person.

And I thought, hey! I'm bad tempered and cantankerous! I can do this! But then my curmudgeonly side kicked in and I decided not to get my hopes up, but still email you this for kicks. For an example of how very curmudgeonly and teen-angsty I can be, I will make a list of the top ten things that bother me.

1. My little sister. I know I should love her, and I really do, but she's SO VERY DIFFICULT. She has no respect for anyone or anything, and I'm fairly certain she's out to get me. The girl wants blood! She drinks coffee! And she's only a third grader!!!

2. Most of the other children at school. And when I say most, I mean all but about ten. They are all spoiled brats, disrespectful, mean, and have no regard for the feelings of others. They will do just about anything to get their way, and they don't care who they step on. Kids these days...

3. Anyone who lies, or presents themself as someone they're not for something stupid like popularity. I'm not popular, and I'm fine with it. I think it's because I'm just brutally honest about my opinions. And not all of them are widely accepted. But because of that quality of mine, I know that the friends I do have are real.

4. Eh, I'm too lazy to write anything meaningful for number four.

5. People who judge others based solely on their appearance. Oh, don't get me wrong, I love judging others, but only their character, not their looks. But if they have a crappy attitude AND appearance, they'd better look out.

6. Twilight. Those obsessed fan-girls that are EVERYWHERE. The Sparkly vampires. The teams. All of it. GET OVER IT, GIRLIES, IT'S NOT REAL, AND EVEN THOUGH IT'S BEEN SAID BEFORE, I MUST REPEAT IT: EDWARD CULLEN IS A FAIRY. (He lives in a forest, moves quickly and sparkles. Coincidence?)

7. Uggs. I don't care how many celebrities wore them, or how everyone has them, they are despicable, evil, and bent on turning all our minds to mush! Honestly, with fashions like this, it's a wonder we aren't all wearing burlap potato sacks.

8. Anybody who calls me a band geek, a nerd, or accuses me of cutting myself. Okay, yes, I play the cello. But that's the ORCHESTRA not the BAND. So I'm not a band geek. Yes, I went to an early-college math camp for a week this summer, but while there, I met lots of new friends who actually have brains, (AND a cute guy who's smart and nice, AND who texts me cute little texts just to say good morning, so HA! You're jealous now, aren't you, popular girls from school?) And yes, I do wear dark clothing, probably excessive eyeliner, and I don't talk too much. But that doesn't make me self-destructive or emo!! It only means I like how the clothes and makeup look, and that I just don't have anything to say to them! I have plenty to say to my friends, but not them.

9. All my teachers who see me in the hallway and say, "Smile! It's Friday!" or whatever. I will smile when I feel like it, dammit! Excuse my french, I don't personally curse that much but come on! You can't force anyone to smile! How do you know that my dog didn't die that morning, or that I haven't just been diagnosed with some horrible disease? Do you still want me to smile? Really...

10. And finally my last pet peeve: Ponies. I have a summer volunteer job at a children's zoo. One of my duties is to lead ponies around a track while little kids ride on their backs. THOSE. PONIES. ARE. EVIL. They kick me, they step on my feet and won't get off, and finally they just always have to turn and look at me every freaking time they sneeze! They just get their horse snot all over me, and it's gross!! It just irks me, y'know?

And those are all the things that bother me. But, I'm not always bothered. There are things I like, such as my friends, my dog, playing the cello, Tim Burton movies, and drawing. Drawing is my most favorite thing to do EVER.

PRETTY PRETTY PLEEEEAAAASSSEE pick me to be Curmudgeon of the Week! Or don't. You don't want to make a sorta young little girl cry, do you?! Because if you don't pick me, I'll cry!! Or not. All I'm saying is that I'm a young, nerdy-looking, socially awkward and above all, very curmudgeonly teen, so I think I fit the bill.

k bye.

Your curmudgeony, teen-angsty reader,

P.S. Emma blogs here and here.

About the pic, in Emma's words: In it, I'm saying "AW, yeah! Who achieved something something through hate and teen angst? That's right. It's not you losers. It's me. Scary, goth girl, Emma. In your face, society!" And the arrow pointing to my sad attempt at a cello says "This should be a cello. EPIC FAIL." And that's a guitar in my hand. And finally because I can't even read it, my shirt's supposed to say GOTH. I'm sorry, my scanner is not nice to my drawings, it looks like I've been cut in half. And yes my hair is that color, I dyed it bright red three days ago. It turned out a dull red-brown.

Want to be a Curmudgeon of the Week? Email me!


  1. A formidable curmudgeon-in-training indeed! (although aren't all teenagers?)

  2. Dear Emma -
    You are great. The adult world will be a much better place for you than the middle school/high school world. In college (especially if you go to Wesleyan) people will appreciate your wit, honesty, and ability to be yourself and not conform. But hopefully you will stay your humble curmudgeonly self even when everyone is constantly praising you!!
    Way to be awesome,
    Betsy (Una's friend and former decider to sit at the theater kids' lunch table instead of the cool girls' lunch table)

  3. HAHAHA!!! Edward Cullen is totally a fairy. Great post.

  4. Hooray for Emma! I often get to drive the self-proclaimed, thirteen year-old "Three Orche-queers" to their orchestra concerts...SO not band geeks!

  5. Anonymous12:19 PM

    I wish Emma was my little sister.

  6. Emma, you are awesome! I was on the math team AND in the band (even drum major for 2 years...yeah, geek city!). And things worked out just fine. Do what you love and don't worry about anyone else.

    Oh, and those little sisters continue to bug you as they grow up, but one day she will become your best friend.

  7. It's teens like you that give me hope for the future, goth-cello-playing Emma. You're funny, witty and obviously very much aware of the world around you.

    Kudos to you!

  8. Anonymous1:42 PM

    excellent Curmudgeon choice, Sassy. Like your blogs, Emma. Or not. Kidding. I really liked them. Or did I? Or was I the old lady looking for beer? It wouldn't be the first time...

  9. Since this post, I've gotten like eight more followers on my blog. I made it to twelve! Not internet stardom by any means, but really, Thanks guys! I honestly thought everyone hated my comedy, but maybe it's just the idiots at school. Don't you just hate kids?

  10. Emma,

    You seem smart and funny. :-) You know, not all of those kids will turn out bad. I was the worst kind of geek. I didn't even have the confidence to pull it off, but I turned out ok in the end. But I wish I had half as much "oomph" as you had when I was a young teen. Even now at 40 (gasp! can you believe it? I'm almost on my deathbed), I'll never be a curmudgeon. Not enough oomph.

  11. Color me amused and intrigued. She's got a new follower now.

  12. She should be my child. I get told on a daily basis by creepy old men to just did that to me at an air show where it was 100 degrees and I was sweating like a pig. Yeah I'm so in the mood to smile.

  13. I love it. Our 16 year old daughter could take lessons from Emma as far as Uggs and Twilight. She's the perfect choice :)

  14. You rock Emma! If only I were so self-aware as a young teen...don't change and seriously, Edward Cullen is a fairy!!! So glad I'm not the only one who thinks so! ;0)

  15. Witty, funny and sassy! Teens like you give me hope for our future, Emma, the Goth. :) Kudos to you.

    (Cello is a such a beautiful instrument.)

  16. Ha ha LOVED it!

    And the ponies point, completely true.

  17. Emma, I love your #6!!! You rock! You're way too awesome for those popular kids!

  18. Sister Zoe10:23 PM

    Emma, wanna get adopted? We could use a young curmudgeon around here. I'm tired of my lame adult problems like unemployment- come to NY so we can make fun of people who write twilight Fan fiction.

  19. There you go, again, Sass, being the internet fairy blog-mother. Well-played.

  20. that. was. awesome.

  21. HAHAHAHAH! Emma is awesome! I'm a big fan. Emma, I am soo with you on many of these! :)

  22. Emma, you are my new hero! It usually takes people about 20 years to actually be comfortable enough with themselves to really BE themselves. You already know who you are and aren't afraid to rock it! Love it!

    And is it okay to own Uggs if I wear them to walk my dog in the winter and not as a fashion statement? Winston likes his walks, and I like warm, dry feet.

  23. How panicked are you that a 13 year old reads your blog? UH OH!!!

  24. This is by far my favorite Curmudgeon. Horse snot! Every horse I have ever been around has tried to lick that is really gross too. I love a Curmudgeon with heart and depth.

  25. stevejoebob5:24 PM

    well I'm her cousin so muh ha ha ha ha

  26. muh ha ha. What up with the evil cackle? that... isn't sensible in that context... I... I think I love it... MUHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!!! (but you forgot the caps lock. Pwn.)

  27. yeah. screw that 'smile!' crap. let your grump flag fly!


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