Saturday, September 4, 2010

Curmudgeon of the Week: Christeene Fraser

Reader Christeene sent me an email telling me that I rock her jellies. Which is an awesome compliment, because I'm assuming she means jelly shoes, which I covet even though A) they always feel like you've bound your feet in plastic six-pack rings and B) I'm 30, and all of a sudden jellies put me dangerously close to Whatever Happened to Baby Jane territory.

So thanks, Christeene. She totally rocks my jams, for reasons you'll read below. And yes, I mean the hideous 80s shorts (and also the short-lived bubble gum shaped like JAMS, on which I subsisted almost entirely during a 1985 camping trip).

Damn, girl! I love a good boudoir shot that includes a typewriter!

Name: Christeene Fraser (who blogs at La Literati)

Age: 26-going-on-80

Provenance: Aye-tee-el, also known as Atlanta, y’all.

Occupation: Grad student/office pee-on/emerging writer of staggering genius.
When did you first self-identify as a curmudgeon? I was awakened to my curmudgeonism right around puberty—back then Lolita-esque knee high socks and plaid school girl skirts were en vogue, and I had hateful, stumpy Hawaiian sausage legs. Being a curmudgeon became a Darwinian mode of survival.

Who’s the curmudgeon (living or dead, historical or contemporary) you most identify with and why? John Stewart. You have to have a certain level of base knowledge to really enjoy Stewart’s commentary, and I respect that. Not to mention he’s hot. Nothing gets me all hot and bothered quite like a sexy silver fox shaming political pundits.

What do you hate that other people inexplicably love? Pregnancy. Greeting cards. Talking on the phone. Cupcakes. Summer (again, see above for stumpy Hawaiian sausage legs).

You are Dante. What, in order from least to most excruciating, are your nine circles of hell?

Circle 1: Realm of the Lustful (of course this is the least painful, because, that’s where I’m most likely to get placed).

Circle 2: Gluttony (this is the 2nd least painful, because I may possibly be placed here as well. Now please pass the Mint Chocolate Chip).

Circle 3: Wrath and sullenness (who doesn’t like a good pity party?)

Circles 4-9: [Insert all the other sins I forgot about since taking World Literature].

If you had the power to sign into law an amendment prohibiting a specific human behavior (i.e. using a Bluetooth or singing karaoke), what would you outlaw?
Switching lanes without a blinker. Use of mayonnaise. People who advertise their kitschy personalities via bumper sticker (‘My dachshund is smarter than your honor roll student’ Oh really, douche? Doubtful). Using the terms ‘green’ or ‘organic’ to pimp an otherwise bland product or store (Thanks Walmart, your new earth-friendly totes are TOTALLY going to make me forget about child-labor).

Let's lighten up. What makes you all warm and fuzzy inside? (Your heart can’t be COMPLETELY charred.)
The smell of my daughter’s freshly washed hair. A vase full of hydrangeas. Reading a great poem. Tim Gunn. Fried Spam (the canned variety, not emailed variety).

What's your favorite curse word/phrase? Sarah Palin.

Essay Question: Please write a 100 word open letter to an object, person, or other entity that has recently incurred your wrath.
Dear female judge on ‘The Last Comic Standing’: Your incessant cackling makes me want to smother babies in vats of boiling gravy. Seriously, every time you part that lipstick’d cake hole to chortle, a small piece of me dies. You contribute absolutely nothing to the overall commentary of the show. Aren’t the judges on ‘The Last Comic Standing’ supposed to be comedians? Your presence is merely to provide a pair of breasts to punctuate a table of penises. Keep up the good job of reaffirming the stereotype that women can’t be as equally as funny as men.

Want to be a Curmudgeon of the Week? Email me!

(P.S. To all of you who have sent in "applications"--that sounds so important, like I'm some kind of clown college dean doing somersaults and reading your essays while wearing a Groucho Marx nose/glasses--I'm way behind on replying to email (like, three weeks behind), so please know I will be in touch soon!)

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7 comments :

  1. John Stewart?!
    That loud mouth looks like Gilligan from the Island. That's about as unsexy as anyone could be. Oh well. Variety is the spice of life.

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  2. He is sexy because of his humor and brain. Looks may go, but that kinda sessy lives on forever!

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  3. I love everything about John Stewart.
    Except when he had the beard. As he mentioned, it was a talking vagina. I'm not still not clear why it existed.

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  4. This is my favorite so far. Is it paradoxical when a curmudgeon makes you like her?

    Anyway: Is there a border region between the Gluttony level and the Lust level? Mmm...sounds like Paris.

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  5. HA!!! Sarah Palin. I love this curmedgeon of the week!

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  6. Jennifer C.11:27 AM

    Hysterical! I've had the same thought about "going green" and "organic". My favorite curmudgeon so far.

    ReplyDelete

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